TA •Chapter 83

I don’t know who hit the switch, but the shower suddenly blasted water down over them.

Cheng Ke leaned against the wall, Jiang Yuduo braced against him, his forehead pressed to the tiles.

Both of them had already stopped moving, but their ragged breathing still tangled around his ear. The cold water from the showerhead did nothing to cool everything down right away.

Only after the water temperature started to rise did Cheng Ke lift a hand and slap the showerhead. It turned and kept spraying toward the toilet.

Jiang Yuduo’s breathing quieted a little. He said, "Let me help you…"

"Wha…" Cheng Ke was sensitive to that sentence structure now. Even though they had just finished, his first reaction was still indecent. Fortunately, at the same time Jiang Yuduo said it, he also reached toward the showerhead. Cheng Ke hurriedly caught his hand. "No need. I’m just rinsing off, one hand is enough. You… help me pull off this sleeve."

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo answered, helping him tug the wool sweater sleeve off, then kissed the corner of his eye before turning and walking out of the bathroom, drenched through.

Cheng Ke pulled the showerhead back toward himself, propped the plaster cast up against the wall, lowered his head, and closed his eyes.

When he came out of the bathroom, Jiang Yuduo was sitting on the chair in nothing but a pair of underwear. Seeing him, he jumped up from the chair and awkwardly covered himself with a hand.

Back when they had only met a few times, he had dared to open the door naked for someone. Now that they had already jerked off, he was wearing underwear and still wanted to cover up… Shameless probably really was sorted by age.

Cheng Ke looked away and went to pour himself a glass of water. Only after hearing Jiang Yuduo go into the bathroom did he turn back and sit down on the sofa.

Jiang Yuduo turned on the TV. It was playing cartoons. Miao sat on the coffee table, watching with complete focus, so Cheng Ke didn’t change the channel and watched with it.

Anyway, whatever he watched now was the same. His mind wasn’t restless. It was blank.

Jiang Yuduo took longer than usual to shower. Cheng Ke was a little worried and called out to him halfway through. He answered, and only after another ten minutes did he finally come out with his head dripping wet.

"Did you fall asleep?" Cheng Ke asked.

"No," Jiang Yuduo said, roughly rubbing his hair with a towel. "I just… feel embarrassed."

"…Oh." Cheng Ke blinked. "It’s fine. Just pretend it never happened."

"How could that be," Jiang Yuduo said. "Even if you forget everything, it still happened."

Cheng Ke didn’t say anything. He felt that Jiang Yuduo was no longer talking about this one thing.

"Nothing happens without leaving a trace," Jiang Yuduo said, sitting beside him and bowing his head to dry his hair. "Even if you pretend not to see it, it’ll still leave a mark somewhere you can’t see."

Cheng Ke reached a hand around to the back of Jiang Yuduo’s neck, wanting to pinch him a little, but just as his fingers touched the skin, Jiang Yuduo suddenly whipped his hand back and grabbed his wrist.

"I!" Cheng Ke reacted quickly and immediately blurted out.

Jiang Yuduo paused, then let go and continued drying his hair with his head down.

Cheng Ke hesitated, then still gently pinched the back of his neck.

After what had happened in the video, even though they had gone through a level of intimacy neither of them had ever known before, the tension Jiang Yuduo had been suppressing still hadn’t gone away.

Some things could not be vented out.

Just like Jiang Yuduo said, once something happened, it would always be there, leaving layer after layer of marks. Whether you could see them or not, nothing would change.

"Want to go to the supermarket?" Jiang Yuduo asked. "Stock up on some food."

"Are we out?" Cheng Ke asked.

"There’s still some, but not much. I want to… go out and walk around," Jiang Yuduo rubbed his nose. "And get something to eat while we’re at it."

"Okay." Cheng Ke nodded.

Just as he was about to stand up, Jiang Yuduo turned and hugged him again, burying his face in the crook of his neck and rubbing hard against him.

"Being clingy?" Cheng Ke asked.

"No," Jiang Yuduo said in a muffled voice. "Embarrassed."

Cheng Ke laughed and rubbed his back. "How long is it going to take before your embarrassed feeling wears off?"

"Don’t know," Jiang Yuduo said, rubbing against him with force. In the end, he pushed Cheng Ke down onto the sofa and climbed on top of him. "Aren’t you embarrassed at all?"

"No," Cheng Ke said. "I think my left hand technique is pretty good too. I just never paid attention before."

"Shut up." Jiang Yuduo nudged him.

"If you say you didn’t enjoy it, then I’d be embarrassed," Cheng Ke said, patting his back again and again. "After all, I… have a few more years of experience…"

"Cheng Ke!" Jiang Yuduo lifted his head and glared at him. "Can you fucking stop acting like an old pervert all the time?"

"Watch your language," Cheng Ke said. "Pervert is fine, old pervert is not."

"Damn it." Jiang Yuduo laughed, his breath warm against Cheng Ke’s neck. After a pause, he cleared his throat. "Then you…"

"It felt great," Cheng Ke said. "I was just a little worried at first. I didn’t know if you used the same amount of force for this as you would for scrubbing someone’s back."

"…I’ve noticed you’re really fast when talking about stuff like this." Jiang Yuduo said.

"Nonsense, we just finished." Cheng Ke said.

"Shut up," Jiang Yuduo jumped off the sofa, "Get up. Change clothes. We’re going to the supermarket."

Cheng Ke didn’t know why Jiang Yuduo suddenly wanted to go to the supermarket. Usually, unless they had scraped the place clean down to the last breadcrumb, he wouldn’t go out to buy things.

Before leaving, Cheng Ke took a look. There was actually quite a lot to eat. Half the fridge was stuffed full.

But he didn’t ask more. If the two of them kept staying alone in the apartment, Jiang Yuduo would probably never get over how embarrassed he was tonight. Going to the supermarket and wandering around would help shift his attention away from the first shameless event of his life.

"Didn’t you say these cookies were good?" Jiang Yuduo asked, pushing the cart and picking up a box.

"Mm." Cheng Ke nodded. "Take two boxes. Sometimes when you’re hungry before a meal, you can eat them."

Jiang Yuduo put four boxes straight into the cart. He walked two steps forward, then stopped. "What about this little cake?"

"Haven’t tried it," Cheng Ke said, glancing at it. "Those rolled wafers are pretty good."

Jiang Yuduo put the little cakes back and grabbed a few boxes of wafers instead.

"Why are you taking so many?" Cheng Ke couldn’t help asking.

"For you to eat," Jiang Yuduo said. "Later we’ll get some instant noodles, instant rice, stuff like that. Didn’t you used to buy them by the case? When you don’t want takeout and are too lazy to go out, you can eat those."

"If I don’t want takeout and I’m too lazy to go out, you can just cook," Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo gave him a look. "What if I don’t feel like cooking? My hand is still injured."

"Oh." Cheng Ke smiled. "Fine, stock up on some then. Maybe get some sausage and luncheon meat too. You can toss them in when you boil things."

"Okay." Jiang Yuduo nodded.

Maybe Jiang Yuduo’s mood was a little different today. Even when he bought things, he wasn’t like usual. Whatever he picked up, he grabbed a whole pile, like he was restocking a warehouse.

When Cheng Ke wanted to buy a face towel, he even hesitated. He looked for a long time without daring to reach out, worried that if he did, Jiang Yuduo would make him put twenty back in the cart.

"Are towels that hard to choose?" Jiang Yuduo didn’t know when he had come up behind him. He put a hand around Cheng Ke’s waist and rested his chin on Cheng Ke’s shoulder.

Cheng Ke turned his head a little in surprise, then glanced down at Jiang Yuduo’s hand on his waist. It was very steady. Clearly, he had no intention of letting go just because somebody was around.

"What?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"You’re suddenly being this generous? No more talking about being in public?" Cheng Ke asked softly, reaching out to feel the towels, trying to pick one that was thick and soft.

"I just wanted to try," Jiang Yuduo said with a smile. "What it felt like."

"What felt like what?" Cheng Ke asked.

"Comfortable," Jiang Yuduo said. "Hi everyone, this is my boyfriend."

Cheng Ke laughed and flicked the tip of his nose.

"Take this kind," Jiang Yuduo said, pointing at the towel on the shelf. "I’ll change to one like this too. We can use the same thing."

"Okay." Cheng Ke picked up the towel and put it in the cart.

"We should buy the same toothbrushes and everything else too," Jiang Yuduo said. "But I’m not used to electric ones. You can use manual with me."

"Okay." Cheng Ke said.

Today Jiang Yuduo seemed to have an unusually strong enthusiasm for shopping. He wandered around the supermarket, and the cart was soon piled full.

"That’s probably enough, right?" Cheng Ke looked to both sides, feeling like this was the third time they had passed the underwear section. "With this huge pile, I doubt we’ll finish it before it expires."

"If we can’t finish it, we can throw it away," Jiang Yuduo said, also glancing to both sides. "Hey, Cheng Ke."

"Mm?" Cheng Ke answered.

"Do you still remember when we ran into each other at the supermarket back then?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"Yeah," Cheng Ke said. "You bumped into me and were really arrogant."

"You didn’t even say it was nothing," Jiang Yuduo clicked his tongue. "Who was arrogant?"

"I saw it was you. If it had been someone else, I would’ve said it." Cheng Ke laughed.

"Did you hate me that much back then?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"Not really," Cheng Ke thought for a moment. "I was pretty annoyed with everyone back then."

"You wrote something for me… do you remember?" Jiang Yuduo asked again.

"What?" Cheng Ke froze, then suddenly remembered that he seemed to have written risperidone on Jiang Yuduo’s cigarette wrapper paper back then. "I just wrote that casually. I only knew that one medicine… Jiang Yuduo, you…"

"Tell me, wasn’t that kind of a coincidence?" Jiang Yuduo smiled and lowered his eyelids. "In the end, I really was…"

"Jiang Yuduo." Cheng Ke cut him off.

"Would you regret it?" Jiang Yuduo looked up at him.

"Regret what?" Cheng Ke asked. "Regret liking you? That’s not something I can control. Even if I regretted it, if we did it all over again, I’d still end up liking you when the time came."

Cheng Ke had no idea jerking off could have this kind of aftereffect.

Ever since they finished, Jiang Yuduo had been glued to him like a medicinal plaster, sticking to him from the supermarket to dinner to coming home and watching TV, and even when they finally got into bed, he was still pressed against Cheng Ke’s back.

But that wasn’t the problem. What made Cheng Ke uneasy was what Jiang Yuduo had said.

Jiang Yuduo hadn’t shown the excitement one should have after opening the door to a new world. In other words, his state had gone off track.

"Cheng Ke," Jiang Yuduo held him tightly and whispered in his ear, "If you hadn’t met me, would you already be home by now?"

"No," Cheng Ke said. "There’s Cheng Yi. He wouldn’t let me go home. Maybe… I’d just keep messing with him endlessly, after all, there isn’t a Third Brother to help me be ruthless."

Jiang Yuduo laughed. "He’s not my younger brother anyway."

"Mm. If I hadn’t met you, he might have annoyed me for another year or two before I finally exploded," Cheng Ke said.

"So no matter how much you can endure," Jiang Yuduo said, "if there’s always bullshit following you around, sooner or later you’ll still hit your limit and explode, right?"

Cheng Ke didn’t say anything. He rolled over to face him. "Jiang Yuduo, what’s wrong with you today?"

"Nothing." Jiang Yuduo said.

"If you feel like something’s not right, tell me," Cheng Ke said. "I said it, we’ll face it togeth…"

"How long can you hold on?" Jiang Yuduo asked softly.

"I don’t know. And I’m not going to think about that," Cheng Ke frowned. "I only look at the big picture when I do things, only at whether there’s progress. I don’t care about anything else."

"I’m scared." Jiang Yuduo was still speaking very softly.

"You used to be scared alone. Now when you’re scared, you still have me." Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo didn’t speak. He sat up and looked at him. "If I had stabbed you with a knife today, would you still say that?"

"But you didn’t stab me." Cheng Ke said.

"What if…" Jiang Yuduo frowned.

"There is no what if, only facts." Cheng Ke said.

"I’m not saying I haven’t hurt you before," Jiang Yuduo looked at him. "If I can hurt you once, I can hurt you a second time, a third time. I held it in this time, but what about next time? Once, twice, three times, how many times can you take it?"

"You already want to try hard," Cheng Ke also sat up. "If you get treatment…"

"What if treatment doesn’t work!" Jiang Yuduo suddenly shouted. "What about before it’s cured? What if I kill you before it’s cured!"

Cheng Ke froze from the shout. After a moment, he came back to himself and yelled back at Jiang Yuduo, "Then fucking kill someone and show me! You said you wanted me to save you! Help you! But you have to let me pull you back!"

Jiang Yuduo stared at him and said nothing.

Cheng Ke fell back onto the pillow.

That video from today, Cheng Ke had already uploaded it to his own phone and deleted the one on Jiang Yuduo’s. He knew how much this had hit Jiang Yuduo.

When he wanted to try and change, he discovered he was still a ticking bomb.

Self-harm was not the point Jiang Yuduo feared. It was the fact that he had nearly stabbed Cheng Ke.

Cheng Ke didn’t know how to deal with these fears of Jiang Yuduo’s. He hadn’t had a chance to contact Sister Luo today. Tomorrow, when he went to the shop, he planned to ask her.

Right now, looking at Jiang Yuduo sitting blankly beside him, all he wanted was to hold him.

"Jiang Yuduo," he called, holding out a hand. "Come here."

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo lay down and pressed his face into Cheng Ke’s palm.

Cheng Ke stroked his face. Just as he was about to pull him into his arms, Jiang Yuduo grabbed his hand and kissed his palm. "Cheng Ke."

"Mm?" Cheng Ke answered softly.

"Are you mad?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"No." Cheng Ke said.

"Then are you tired now?" Jiang Yuduo asked again.

"It’s okay," Cheng Ke said. "Why?"

Jiang Yuduo took his hand and tucked it under the blanket.

"Fuck," Cheng Ke blinked. "You…"

Jiang Yuduo leaned in and kissed him. "If you can’t take it anymore, then… help me…"

"You’re the one who can’t take it anymore." Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo smiled.

That smile was especially clean, with no worry, no fear, no conflict. Just a simple smile, the kind that made your heart move.

For the past half month, Cheng Ke’s sleep had been pretty regular, but yesterday had worn him out both mentally and physically. The moment he fell asleep last night, he knew he’d probably sleep until noon the next day.

So when he opened his eyes and felt around for his phone, then saw it was almost three in the afternoon, he wasn’t especially surprised.

"Jiang Yuduo." He groped beside him. Empty.

Jiang Yuduo was different from him. No matter the situation, he got up at about the same time every day, and sometimes he didn’t sleep at all.

"Did you already eat lunch by yourself again? And breakfast too…" Cheng Ke yawned as he got out of bed and shuffled toward the living room in his slippers. "I should be eating breakfast right now…"

There was no one in the living room. Cheng Ke went into the kitchen to take a look, then peeked into the bathroom. Miao walked past his feet, and he bent down to pet it. "Where’s your Third Brother?"

Miao meowed once and walked away.

"Jiang Yuduo!" Cheng Ke went toward the back yard.

The back yard was empty too. The blood that had dripped from Jiang Yuduo’s wound was still congealed on the ground, already black now.

Cheng Ke stood there for a while, then walked over to the wall. He looked carefully and found the faint red smear from yesterday’s video.

Unlike the blood on the ground, this spot had already faded a lot, blending in with the peeling wall paint until it was almost impossible to make out.

The sunlight in the yard was good today, but Cheng Ke suddenly felt the light around him grow dimmer bit by bit. It was as if his whole body had been slowly wrapped in ice, beginning to turn cold.

"Jiang Yuduo!" he shouted, running back inside. He rushed into the bedroom, picked up his phone, and when he tried to dial, his shaking hand missed Jiang Yuduo’s number twice. He shouted again, "Fuck!"

At last, he hit the right one.

But before he had even brought the phone to his ear, he already heard the voice coming from the receiver.

The number you have dialed is turned off.

"Fuck your fucking ancestors!" Cheng Ke slammed the phone hard onto the bed.

Two seconds later, he still refused to give up, lunged over, grabbed the phone, and dialed again.

It was the same message.

"Damn it!" Cheng Ke clenched his teeth and dialed Chen Qing’s number instead.

This time, he heard the normal ringing tone. Then Chen Qing’s voice came through. "Jijia?"

"Where’s Jiang Yuduo?" Cheng Ke came out of the bedroom, pacing around the house and yanking open the curtains to look outside.

"What?" Chen Qing froze.

"Where’s Third Brother! Has he contacted you at all!" Cheng Ke raised his voice.

"No," Chen Qing also raised his voice at once. "What happened to him?"

"I don’t know," Cheng Ke spun around the middle of the living room several times in place. "He’s gone, his phone is off…"

There were a few cigarette wrappers on the table.

Cheng Ke suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe properly. Chen Qing was still saying something on the phone, but he couldn’t hear it clearly anymore. He slowly walked over to the table, looked down at the cigarette wrappers, and sat down in the chair.

After a moment, he suddenly kicked the table hard and shouted until his throat cracked, "Fuck! I fucking curse your whole family, Jiang Yuduo!"