TA •Chapter 78

Luo-jie spoke very slowly, in a soft voice. On the drive from the airport to the hotel, she chatted casually the whole way. When Cheng Ke talked to her, he felt relaxed, but Jiang Yuduo, sitting beside him, remained tense the entire time. Cheng Ke could clearly feel the signals from his body, resistance and unease.

Cheng Ke kept holding his right hand, lightly rubbing the center of his palm with his fingertips.

When the car stopped at the hotel entrance, Jiang Yuduo tightened his grip on Cheng Ke’s fingers.

"I’m free this afternoon and tonight," Luo-jie said with a smile, looking back at them. "If you want to talk tomorrow instead, that’s fine too. I’m on leave these two days, and the place can be whatever Xiao Jiang is most comfortable with."

"Okay," Cheng Ke said, nodding. "I’ll call you ahead of time."

After they got out of the car, Luo-jie didn’t stay long. The car pulled away, and Jiang Yuduo let out a faint breath.

"Let’s put our things away first," Cheng Ke said as he headed inside. "We can rest a bit. Whenever we meet Luo-jie, you can decide."

"Afternoon," Jiang Yuduo said, following behind him. After saying afternoon, he quickly changed it. "Evening."

"Mm." Cheng Ke nodded.

"No, afternoon." Jiang Yuduo said again.

"Okay." Cheng Ke still nodded.

When they were checking in at the front desk, Jiang Yuduo said softly again, "Now…"

"Now?" Cheng Ke was a little surprised. He hurriedly waved a hand. "No need to be this anxious. Afternoon or evening is fine."

"Let’s go eat something now," Jiang Yuduo said. "I’m hungry."

"Oh." Cheng Ke looked at him and nodded.

Jiang Yuduo was obviously very familiar with this city. When he took Cheng Ke out for lunch, he could even understand the driver’s dialect.

Cheng Ke really wanted to ask whether he had lived here for a long time.

But he didn’t dare. He didn’t know whether this was a place Jiang Yuduo had once lived, or the place where he had spent his childhood.

Jiang Yuduo didn’t take him to eat anything with local specialties. He just brought him to an ordinary Western restaurant, the kind every city had.

"Are you hot?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"It’s okay," Cheng Ke said, taking off his coat. "This coat of mine is pretty thin."

Jiang Yuduo didn’t say anything else. After ordering, he kept his head down eating, never looking up again.

Cheng Ke, however, had no appetite at all. After a few bites, he stopped and drank water while watching Jiang Yuduo.

Jiang Yuduo finished the steak on his own plate, then took Cheng Ke’s barely touched plate and ate that too. Only after wiping his mouth did he lean back in his chair and let out a soft sigh.

"Are you full?" Cheng Ke asked.

"Mm," Jiang Yuduo nodded. "Stuffed."

"If you’re hungry, you can eat more later," Cheng Ke said with a smile. "You didn’t have to eat so much at once."

"What if I get hungry and can’t find anything to eat?" Jiang Yuduo also smiled. He lifted his eyes to look out the window, and the expression on his face stiffened for a moment, but quickly returned to normal. "Cheng Ke."

"Mm?" Cheng Ke also looked outside. The sky was a little overcast, and there were lots of pedestrians, cars coming and going.

"If Luo-jie tells you something, will you believe it?" Jiang Yuduo pulled his gaze back and looked at him.

Cheng Ke hesitated for a moment. "I’ll judge it myself."

"If I tell you not to believe her," Jiang Yuduo said, "will you listen to me?"

Cheng Ke froze.

"Believe her," Jiang Yuduo bit his lip. "Don’t listen to me."

It took Cheng Ke a long time before he finally nodded and answered in a very low voice, "Okay."

Jiang Yuduo called Luo-jie and arranged to meet at three-thirty, at a coffee shop not far from the hotel.

"You can pet cats there," Jiang Yuduo said. "There are more than a dozen cats in that place, all kinds of colors."

"Mm." Cheng Ke responded.

"I won’t listen in when you two talk," Jiang Yuduo said. "I’m going to play with the cats."

Cheng Ke didn’t say anything. He went over and wrapped his arms around Jiang Yuduo tightly, tilting his head to bite him on the neck. "It’s fine. No matter what I talk about with Luo-jie today, nothing between us will change."

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo nodded.

"I’ll help you. I’ll save you." Cheng Ke said.

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo lowered his head and pressed his eyes against Cheng Ke’s shoulder.

In the afternoon, there were very few customers in the café. Only two tables were occupied on the outdoor terrace, and the inside was empty.

Cheng Ke and Jiang Yuduo went in twenty minutes early and chose a corner by the window to sit down. Jiang Yuduo didn’t wait for Luo-jie to arrive before wandering off. He went to wash his hands, then sat at the table by the window across from them and played with the cats.

Cheng Ke didn’t stop him. He only stared blankly at a little cat dozing on the windowsill beside them.

Luo-jie entered the café right on time at three-thirty. Cheng Ke stood up, suddenly feeling a little nervous.

"Did I come late?" Luo-jie asked with a smile as she walked over.

"No, we came early," Cheng Ke said, pulling out a chair for her. "We wanted to find a good table."

When he reached for Luo-jie’s coat, she smiled and patted his arm. "Your hand isn’t convenient. Sit down."

Cheng Ke sat down and glanced toward Jiang Yuduo. Jiang Yuduo had his back to them, sprawled over the table. A white cat was lying face-to-face with him on the tabletop, basking in the sun.

Luo-jie ordered a coffee. After the server left, Cheng Ke didn’t beat around the bush. He went straight to the point. "Teacher Luo, I’m not sure how Jiang Yuduo explained things to you, and I’m not really sure what I should say to you either. I only know that Jiang Yuduo is in a lot of pain right now, and he hopes I can help him…"

Luo-jie nodded.

"What he said was… save him," Cheng Ke said. "How am I supposed to save him?"

"Can I understand your relationship first?" Luo-jie asked. "I’ve known Xiao Jiang for ten years, and I’ve always paid close attention to his condition. Even though we’ve had very little contact in recent years, emotionally, my relationship with him is different from that with other patients. I’d like to make a rough judgment about Xiao Jiang’s decision first."

That question made things difficult for Cheng Ke. Their relationship was definitely not ordinary, but Luo-jie had also said Jiang Yuduo had never mentioned a single friend’s name to her, let alone brought anyone to meet her.

Good friend, very good friend, one-of-a-kind friend. No matter which one, it didn’t seem quite right.

Cheng Ke glanced at Jiang Yuduo again. Jiang Yuduo hadn’t told Luo-jie that he was his boyfriend because he was worried Cheng Ke might mind…

"Well, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask Jiang Yuduo first." Cheng Ke said.

"That’s fine." Luo-jie smiled.

Cheng Ke stood up and walked over to Jiang Yuduo.

Jiang Yuduo was still lying on the table, using his fingers to pinch a cat’s ear and rubbing it gently. Cheng Ke could tell at once that his eyes were a little red, though there were no tears.

"Mm?" Jiang Yuduo didn’t move, only looked at him.

"Luo-jie is very protective of you. She wants to know what our relationship is first," Cheng Ke said softly.

"Boyfriend." Jiang Yuduo’s voice was soft too.

"Okay, then I’ll tell her." Cheng Ke patted his hand.

"You can say anything," Jiang Yuduo said. "Anything you want to tell her is fine."

"Mm." Cheng Ke nodded.

Back at the table, Cheng Ke cleared his throat. "I’m Jiang Yuduo’s… boyfriend."

"I could tell," Luo-jie said, not surprised at all, smiling as she nodded. "I had that feeling when you got out of the airport."

"Really." Cheng Ke felt a little embarrassed.

"To be honest, I’m actually quite surprised." Luo-jie said.

Cheng Ke lowered his head and took a sip of coffee.

"Not surprised that Xiao Jiang would have a boyfriend," Luo-jie said with a smile. "I’d be equally surprised if Xiao Jiang had a girlfriend. He has his own definition of intimate relationships. Getting into the range he sets is very difficult."

Cheng Ke thought of what Jiang Yuduo had said about "friends."

"But once he recognizes someone as a friend, he gives everything he has." Cheng Ke said.

"He’s afraid of loss. Everyone he believes has left his life did so because of his own mistake," Luo-jie said. "So in order to avoid mistakes as much as possible, he raises the requirements for the category of 'friend' and narrows the range as much as he can."

Cheng Ke let out a soft sigh. "That has something to do with what happened when he was little, right?"

"When he was little?" Luo-jie looked at him. "Xiao Jiang told you about that?"

"Mm, some of it." Cheng Ke nodded.

Luo-jie’s expression was visibly surprised. After a while, she asked again, "About what parts?"

"It’s just… he didn’t really say much, and every time his emotions were very unstable," Cheng Ke frowned. "Right now, I only roughly know that when he was young, he should have been locked up somewhere. There was very… brutal training, and competitions. He mentioned his father and mother, and some other dogs…"

Luo-jie stared in shock toward Jiang Yuduo for a long time before turning back to look at Cheng Ke. "All of that came from him?"

"Yes," Cheng Ke said.

"He never mentioned any of that to me." Luo-jie looked at him.

Cheng Ke blinked, then straightened abruptly.

"But I do know the relevant case details," Luo-jie said, seeing his uncertainty. "Before I started treating him, I was fully briefed on his situation. But he wouldn’t bring it up on his own. Aside from you… he probably hasn’t brought it up to anyone else on his own either."

"Mm, even his best friends don’t know," Cheng Ke let out a breath of relief. But Luo-jie’s use of the words case details made something suddenly clench in his chest. After a moment, he looked at her. "The father and mother he mentioned, who were they?"

"His biological mother and stepfather." Luo-jie answered.

Cheng Ke felt a chill run down his back, and even his scalp seemed to prickle.

"He started being 'trained' when he was about four, so his mother changing from someone he could trust into the source of fear caused him unimaginable harm," Luo-jie said. "That’s why he would resist. Building intimate relationships is very difficult for him."

Cheng Ke couldn’t say anything.

"As for the other dogs… they were children who had been bought and sold," Luo-jie said, twisting her fingers together. "Some people like dog fighting, some people love dog fighting, and some people enjoy watching it. After these people were arrested, the children who were rescued all had very serious problems. Xiao Jiang was still… among the better ones."

"Is that so?" Cheng Ke couldn’t describe what he felt when he heard that.

"The most seriously affected child killed himself at sixteen," Luo-jie sighed.

Cheng Ke froze for a very long time.

A child had killed himself.

If pain had no way out, maybe only death could bring relief.

When he came to his senses, he suddenly became tense. "Then Jiang Yuduo…"

"I used to do some tests on him," Luo-jie said. "He didn’t show a very obvious suicidal tendency. When faced with mental torment, he was different from the other children…"

"He can see those people," Cheng Ke said. "Is that his way of coping?"

"It’s his way of escaping, hallucinations, auditory and visual. Self-harm. He makes himself continue living inside the pain brought by his previous life," Luo-jie said. "That way he doesn’t have to face the fact that even after being rescued, he would still be tormented mentally."

It took Cheng Ke about two minutes to slowly process Luo-jie’s words. "Self-harm?"

"Yes," Luo-jie said. "You should have seen the injuries he got after direct contact with 'them.'"

"I have." Cheng Ke said softly.

More than once.

Those injuries on his head, on his hands, injuries whose process of being hurt had never been seen by anyone.

"Then he…" Cheng Ke frowned. "When he hurt himself, was he unaware of it? Did he not know he was injuring himself, or…"

"He knew," Luo-jie said, picking up her coffee and then setting it down again. "That’s why he would consciously avoid people."

"He knew?" Cheng Ke looked at Luo-jie. He no longer knew what he wanted to say.

"Yes," Luo-jie took a sip of coffee, her brows tightly knit. "He knows he has mental problems. He knows what he sees isn’t real. He knows he harms himself, and at certain times, he may also hurt other people when he loses control of his emotions."

Cheng Ke felt his hand trembling badly, so he set down the spoon and pressed his hand beneath the plaster, taking a deep breath. "What should I do to help him?"

"If he can continue treatment," Luo-jie said, "he can gain some control, but…"

"What?" Cheng Ke asked immediately.

"He needs to face it and cooperate," Luo-jie said. "He’s received a lot of treatment before, so he knows exactly what doctors are going to ask, what the purpose of those questions is, and what kind of answers would let him receive a 'normal' evaluation. If he can’t cooperate…"

Cheng Ke felt a headache coming on, a sharp throbbing that started right in the middle of his forehead and jumped all the way back to the base of his skull.

He closed his eyes and gathered himself. "Then this time, he asked me to come see you. Can that be understood as him beginning to want to face it and cooperate?"

"Yes, that can be understood that way," Luo-jie said. "But how long this state can last, and to what extent he can cooperate, can’t be determined. Still, this is indeed a good sign. I’m very surprised."

Cheng Ke had already been talking with Luo-jie for nearly two hours. There was a clock on the wall, and Jiang Yuduo hadn’t looked at it, but he could roughly guess the time.

What they would talk about, he could also roughly guess.

So now his hands were ice-cold, every joint in his body stiff, and his mind completely blank.

From the moment he begged Cheng Ke for help, unease and panic had surrounded him without leaving for even a second.

He was afraid there would be no next year. Afraid Cheng Ke would disappear. Afraid of this kind of life for the rest of his own.

But he also knew very clearly that everything Cheng Ke guessed about him was only a guess. The moment Luo-jie uncovered everything, what Cheng Ke faced was not only the real him, but also those promises.

It was okay.

It was fine.

Okay.

I’ll help you. I’ll save you.

No matter what I talk about with Luo-jie today, nothing between us will change.

He had already cut off all his own retreat routes. He had even told Cheng Ke to trust Luo-jie and not him.

But what Cheng Ke would do, he didn’t dare think about it at all.

Would there still be a birthday next year?

Would there still be strawberry wine?

Would there still be a boyfriend?…

He didn’t even know when Cheng Ke had sat down in front of him. It wasn’t until Cheng Ke called him softly that he came back to himself and suddenly sat upright.

The cat that had been sleeping on the table jumped up and ran off.

"What were you thinking about?" Cheng Ke asked with a smile.

Jiang Yuduo turned his head to glance over. The table over there was empty. Luo-jie had already left.

He turned back to look at Cheng Ke. "Finished talking?"

"Mm." Cheng Ke nodded.

Jiang Yuduo looked at him but didn’t say anything.

Cheng Ke looked very tired, and his face was a little pale.

"Are you hungry?" Cheng Ke asked. "Do you want to eat something?"

"Not hungry," Jiang Yuduo said. "Are we going back?"

"Mm," Cheng Ke nodded. "We’re going back. We’ll stay at the hotel tonight. I just booked a flight for tomorrow morning."

"What about after we go back?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"After we go back, I should start handling the opening of the shop over there," Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo hesitated for a long time before finally asking softly, "Then what about me?"

"You’re still with me," Cheng Ke said. "It’ll probably be pretty busy after the opening. Do you want to come help?"

"Really?" Jiang Yuduo heard his own voice trembling a little.

"Really." Cheng Ke leaned a little closer. "But you have to promise me one thing."

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo answered.

"From now on, no matter what you see or hear," Cheng Ke said, "you have to tell me."

Jiang Yuduo looked at him.

"I’ll hold onto you, pull you back, save you," Cheng Ke said. "I won’t let go, but you have to let me pull you, understand?"

Jiang Yuduo nodded.

"People always say that if you like someone, you give without asking for anything back," Cheng Ke said. "That’s bullshit. I gave you something, so you have to give me something in return. I’m holding onto you, so you’re not allowed to shake me off, got it?"

"Got it." Jiang Yuduo said.