SA | Chapter 2

Reunion at the Bar

The hotel conditions were not very good, and trucks kept coming and going outside, so Gu Deng barely slept all night. The next day, after forcing down an awful breakfast and handling the follow-up matters with the insurance company, he signed up for a small tour to Deadhorse. No one recognized him. Wearing a mask and headphones, Gu Deng slept through the whole ride.

When he woke again, the scenery outside had completely changed. The mountains and trees had vanished entirely, and even the animals were nowhere to be seen. Snow seemed to blanket the earth like a desert, and they were traveling through a polar wasteland.

It was hard to imagine that a place like this existed in the world, and even harder to imagine that even a place like this had ended up bearing the traces of human beings.

They arrived at Deadhorse before dark. It was a town that had prospered because of oil extraction, and also the official end point of the Dalton Highway. But on the map, there were still another seven or eight kilometers between this place and the Arctic Ocean.

Gu Deng found the tour leader and said he wanted to keep heading north. The guide was a principled man and said that because of policy and safety reasons, Deadhorse was the northernmost point tourists were allowed to reach.

Gu Deng said, “I’ll pay extra.”

The tour leader said, “Even if you pay extra, it still won’t work.”

Gu Deng named a number, and the tour leader was moved by his sincerity. He contacted an oil company employee and successfully got Gu Deng mixed in.

Gu Deng switched to an internal company vehicle to go farther in, but even so, he still did not see the thing he wanted to see. This place was filled everywhere with traces of human industry. Steel frames and shipping containers lined the route, and the tour leader pointed ahead and said that was the Arctic Ocean.

Gu Deng lifted his head and looked. A row of lights shone from the coastal oil field, abrupt and eerie.

On the way back, Gu Deng suddenly became very quiet. He had insomnia again and had no choice but to take sleeping pills and sedatives. The hypomania quickly disappeared, and he began to enter a long, miserable depressive period.

For the rest of the trip, Gu Deng could not summon any interest in anything. In a daze, he returned to Fairbanks and stayed in his hotel without going out again. It was not until a week later that he received a call from the travel agency saying the whale-watching tour he had booked was about to depart.

In truth, Gu Deng no longer wanted to see them that badly. After all, he had already watched whale videos online countless times.

Before falling asleep that night, he opened the video on his phone again.

It was dusk, and the sky was a beautiful pinkish purple. The sea was calm, as thick, rich, and glossy as the water of West Lake. Suddenly, ripples spread across the surface, and a humpback whale leapt out of the sea, leaving behind a dreamlike shimmer of light and shadow.

Gu Deng watched it over and over again, then saved the video to his phone, using it to endure countless depressive episodes that had been hard to survive.

He watched the video again and again, and in the end Gu Deng still decided to go see the whales. The weather was very good on the day of whale-watching. The sun was bright, and the town of Seward was colorful. Wearing a mask and sunglasses, Gu Deng searched for whales through binoculars.

Three hours after they set out, they still had not seen any whales, and Gu Deng was already almost ready to give up. Just then, an announcement suddenly came over the speaker saying that signs of whales had been spotted ahead.

The boat sped all the way over, and twenty minutes later, Gu Deng finally saw the humpback whale.

Cheers instantly broke out around him, and Gu Deng was swept up in the excitement too. At that moment, he truly was happy, and he took many photos and videos as well. But that happiness existed for far too short a time. Other people could stay happy for days, even months, after seeing a whale, but Gu Deng’s happiness could only last a few hours, a few minutes, or even only the instant he saw the whale.

On the return trip, the other passengers excitedly talked about their whale-watching experience, while Gu Deng sat alone rewatching the video. Only then did he suddenly notice that the humpback whale’s skin was covered in old scars, and large patches of white barnacles clung parasitically to its surface, like cataract-clouded eyes. Looking at the dense mass of barnacles, he was suddenly hit with a wave of nausea and could not help bending down and dry heaving.

Someone came over to ask whether he needed help, but Gu Deng shook his head and said he was only a little seasick.

After getting off the boat, the uncomfortable feeling became even more obvious. Gu Deng did not dare drive back to Anchorage, so he planned to stay one night in Seward before returning.

He slept in Seward for two days. Not only did he fail to get better, he became even more anxious instead. Because he simply could not ignore the shock of seeing those barnacles. Even after deleting the video and taking sedatives, he still could not escape that feeling of despair.

To him, whales symbolized freedom and beauty. Whenever he sank into pain because of all kinds of things, there were whales in faraway Alaska breaching from the sea. Every time that happened, something healing would well up inside him and support him in continuing to live.

But at this moment, that beautiful fantasy shattered. It turned out that even whales were not completely free. They too could encounter environmental pollution, become infested with barnacles, be injured by propellers, and even be hunted by humans.

On the third day, Gu Deng finally drove back to Anchorage. The car radio said that there was a stranded orca by the shore. Staff had already arrived and were organizing a rescue to help the orca return to the sea. In order to drive away the shock those barnacles had left in him, Gu Deng decided to go see this orca, a whale not parasitized by barnacles.

When he arrived, light snow was falling from the sky, and the road was muddy. Gu Deng parked the car and squeezed into the crowd of onlookers. A wave of sighing came from the crowd, and then someone began to cry softly.

At that moment, Gu Deng still did not know what had happened. It was only when he reached the very front that he froze on the spot, because he saw a dead orca.

Right in front of Gu Deng was the orca’s eye, very small. The gray-white eyeball sat piled against the raised eyelid, like an impact crater blasted into the moon.

Gu Deng stared blankly into its eye. Then his mind gave a sudden roar, and his world collapsed.

A violent wave of nausea shot straight to his head. Gu Deng turned and rushed out of the crowd, unable to stop himself from bending over and vomiting. Bits of food surged out of his throat, like chewed-up internal organs sloughing away from his body. Gu Deng smelled the stench coming off himself and saw putrid fluid seeping from his pores, as if he had already become a corpse.

“Uncle, are you okay?” a clear young voice rang out. Gu Deng kept his head buried and did not respond.

“Uncle, do you need me to call an ambulance for you?” The little girl’s voice came closer. Gu Deng finally lifted his head. Standing in front of him was a little girl in a red down jacket. She looked only five or six years old. Her eyes were pitch black, and her manner was calm and composed.

No need.

Gu Deng opened his mouth, wanting to refuse, but strangely, the moment he spoke, it turned into sobbing instead. Gu Deng wanted to make himself stop, but his throat felt badly blocked. He could not force out a single word and could only weakly lift his right hand and wave it hard.

The little girl crouched in front of him and said, “But Uncle, you really look like you feel awful.”

Breathing hard, Gu Deng finally forced out one broken response. “It’s okay, sorry…”

“All right then, I’ll stay here with you.” The little girl sat down beside him, wrapped both arms around her knees, and said, “If you feel bad, remember to tell me.”

Gu Deng shook his head. He did not want to leave a shadow on a little child.

But the little girl patted him on the shoulder and comforted him in the tone of an adult. “It’s okay. It’ll get better.”

Gu Deng buried his head in the crook of his arm, and his shoulders began trembling in small motions.

His emotional breakdown came on very suddenly, but it also vanished with extraordinary speed. The overwhelming pain evaporated in an instant. When Gu Deng lifted his head again, he was already starting to forget what exactly he had been so miserable about just now.

How strange. He had turned back into looking like a normal person again.

It was also at that moment that Gu Deng noticed the little girl was still there.

Seeing him lift his head, the girl spoke to him with complete familiarity. “My name is Ali. It means lion, sun, and ocean. You can also call me Agveech. That name was passed down from my great-grandmother, and in the Inuit language it means bowhead whale, but everyone says it’s kind of hard to pronounce.”

Gu Deng sniffed and said, “You can call me Gu Deng.”

The girl did not hear clearly and tilted her head. “Good?”

Gu Deng did not correct her pronunciation, and so Ali asked again, “Uncle Good, do you feel better now?”

“Much better, thank you,” Gu Deng said.

Ali nodded and went on sitting on the beach with her arms around her knees. She did not speak again, only stared motionlessly at the orca’s corpse.

Ali had been alone the entire time. Even when Gu Deng was about to leave, no one had come to pick her up. Feeling a little uneasy, Gu Deng asked where her parents were.

“Daddy is at Uncle’s shop, and Mommy is working,” Ali said.

Gu Deng suddenly realized how serious the problem was. “You came out by yourself?”

“And Cookie,” Ali said. “We came to see the orca together.”

Only then did Gu Deng breathe a sigh of relief and say, “All right, then Uncle will help you find Cookie.”

“There’s no need to find Cookie. It’s been staying there obediently the whole time.” Ali raised her hand and pointed toward the bicycle. “Cookie, say hello to Uncle.”

The Alaskan dog barked, “Woof~!”

Gu Deng: “…”

His head started hurting again. He crouched down and asked Ali, “Where’s your home? I’ll take you back.”

“I can go back by myself,” Ali said.

Gu Deng’s tone turned serious. “Get in the car. I’m taking you.”

Ali looked wary. “Daddy told me not to get into strangers’ cars.”

Gu Deng said, “Take a picture of my license plate and send it to your dad, then I’ll drive you home.”

“Oh, give me a break.” Ali rolled her eyes and complained, “You look just like an overprotective mother hen.”

Gu Deng took a photo of the license plate and said expressionlessly, “Children who run away from home are in no position to complain.”

“I didn’t run away from home. I just came out to play and went a little farther than usual.” Ali gave a huff and puffed up her chubby cheeks. “And I’m almost six already. I’m not a child anymore.”

“Yes, of course. We grown-ups all ride bicycles with training wheels.”

Ali: “…”

Gu Deng stuffed the child’s bicycle into the trunk and entered the address Ali told him into the navigation system. Only after arriving did he realize that it was actually a bar. He parked outside and turned back to ask Ali, who was sitting with one leg crossed over the other, “Your home is here?”

“Yes.” Ali snapped her fingers. “To tell you the truth, I’m the lead singer of this bar’s band.”

“Do your parents agree to that?” Gu Deng asked.

“Of course they don’t,” Ali said. “But I threatened them. If they wouldn’t let me be the lead singer, I’d go back to my hometown and learn to be a shaman from my grandmother.”

Gu Deng: “…”

“I’m very grateful for your help, but I’m not in the mood to play games with you right now.” Gu Deng put on a serious expression. “Right now you have two choices. Tell me your real home address, or have your dad come out and get you. If you refuse both, then I’ll take you to the police station.”

“Uncle, you’ve changed.” Ali pouted. “You’ve become just as naggy as my dad and mom.”

“That’s what all of us adults are like,” Gu Deng said.

“…”

Feeling wronged, Ali called her dad and told him to come out and get her.

A few minutes later, there came a sudden clattering sound as the rolling shutter door was pulled open, and a man in a black shell jacket walked out.

“Daddy!” Ali threw herself at the man.

The man touched the top of her head with one hand and called her Agveech in a very familiar tone, and it was Zhang Li.

Gu Deng closed the car door and prepared to leave. Zhang Li let go of Ali and walked over to him, saying that they had met again.

Gu Deng gave a soft mm.

Zhang Li said, “Come in and sit for a while?”

“No.” Gu Deng turned to leave, but Ali grabbed his right hand in one swoop and said bossily, “Come in. I’ll sing for you.”

Gu Deng was hauled inside by Ali. After passing through a long corridor, they arrived in a spacious room. On the left side of the bar was the liquor cabinet and mixing area. Tables and chairs filled the middle, and the far end of the room was raised up, with a drum set, piano, and other instruments arranged there.

Ali dragged Gu Deng all the way to the side of the bar counter, climbed up onto a stool with both hands and feet, and snapped her fingers at the man behind the counter. “Smith, give my friend a drink. My treat.”

Behind the bar, a tall man lifted his head. He picked Ali up one-handed, his face stern. “I warned you that you weren’t allowed to sneak out by yourself.”

“I did not sneak out by myself.” Ali kicked and flailed in the air, loudly arguing back. “Cookie came with me!”

“Woof woof woof!” Cookie eagerly joined the game.

The two people and one dog descended into chaotic battle. Gu Deng found a chair and sat down. Zhang Li placed a cup of hot water in front of him, sat down as well, and said, “So you did go to Deadhorse later?”

“I did,” Gu Deng said.

“How did it feel?”

Gu Deng was silent for a while, then said, “A little strange. I can’t really say what it felt like.”

Zhang Li did not speak again. Not long afterward, the bar-side battle ended. Holding Ali in one hand and carrying a cocktail in the other, Smith walked over, having achieved an overwhelmingly one-sided victory.

“You’re Zhang Li’s friend, right? We met that day.” Smith put the cocktail down in front of Gu Deng and said, “My daughter caused you trouble. Thank you for bringing her back.”

Gu Deng looked blank.

“At Coldfoot.” Smith laughed. “That day Zhang brought us equipment. I saw you then.”

“Ah…” Gu Deng remembered.

Smith then said, “I heard from Zhang Li that you were going to Deadhorse later? Did you go? How was it?”

Gu Deng said, “Mm.”

“Mm?” Smith repeated.

“He went,” Zhang Li said. “He thought it was a little strange.”

“That damned oilfield development ruined everything,” Smith cursed under his breath. “Those greedy bastards. Now they won’t even spare the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.”

“Daddy, don’t be sad.” Ali’s little face scrunched into a ball as she stuffed herself into the man’s arms.

“Sorry for making you worry.” Smith rubbed her head and softened his tone. “I was just a little angry.”

Ali buried her face in Smith’s arms. After a while, she lifted her head again and asked, “Did you finish checking all the brown bears?”

“All done,” Smith said. “All six brown bears got their batteries changed, but Number 99 is sick, so I have to go back again in a few days.”

Gu Deng could not understand what they were talking about, so Zhang Li explained to him that Smith was a zoologist tracking the living habits of brown bears in the Brooks Range, and every winter he replaced the batteries in the bears’ tracking devices while they hibernated. A few days earlier, when Zhang Li had driven to Coldfoot, it was to deliver survey equipment to them.

After hearing this, Gu Deng felt that he ought to react somehow. But strangely, it was as if his brain had not received the signal. He remained expressionless, so cold that he was almost being rude.

No, this could not go on. They had only met by chance, yet these people had all shown him the greatest kindness. He could not let down everyone’s goodwill.

Gu Deng took a sip of the icy cocktail and forced himself to lift his head and say, “So that’s what it is. It sounds very interesting.”

He even tried to make his tone light, but his trembling hands betrayed his true emotions.

“Are you okay?” Zhang Li asked.

“I’m fine,” Gu Deng said.

Zhang Li looked at him once and did not speak again. Gu Deng also quieted down along with him. Not having to talk to anyone, not having to find topics of conversation, gave him a brief sense of peace. He sat quietly in the corner, watching the ice in his glass melt into water.

In only a few short days, Gu Deng had completely changed into another person. The old him had once been lively, warm, and full of talent, but now all that remained on him was unease and anxiety. Energy slipped rapidly away from him, turning him into a piece of withered land.

Zhang Li tried to do something, but they were only strangers who had happened to cross paths. He could not even enter Gu Deng’s world.

Time gradually passed in the quiet. Then, as the first guest pushed open the door, the bar’s business hours began, and the quiet space slowly turned lively.

As if he had finally found an opportunity, Gu Deng stood and said, “Thank you for your hospitality. I’ll be leaving first.”

Ali was getting ready for the performance with the rest of the band. Hearing that, she leaned out from backstage and said, “Uncle Good, you still haven’t heard me sing!”

Gu Deng stopped in his tracks and became a little hesitant.

Zhang Li said, “Her music is very unusual. You’d probably be interested.”

To be honest, Gu Deng had absolutely no interest in music right now. It would only make him dislike himself even more. But he really had promised Ali. He hesitated for more than ten seconds, then sat back down.

The staff began handing out the band’s posters. The band’s theme was to protest the oilfield development plan in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Printed on the poster was a polar bear mother and cub stained black by oil.

Previously, Gu Deng had only ever seen white polar bears online. Their simple, adorable appearance made people feel drawn to them. But the mother and cub on the poster looked bedraggled and ugly, and they brought him an enormous visual shock.

Gu Deng thought again of the orca’s corpse, and of that humpback whale parasitized by barnacles. The glaring lights of the coastal Arctic oil field, and the crowd inside the bar, made him feel anxious. His hat and headphones were both in the car, so Gu Deng could only bury his face in his palms and keep taking deep breaths, forcing himself not to run away.

Someone passed in front of him and accidentally bumped the table, and Gu Deng’s whole body instantly went taut. Rationally, he knew no one was watching him, but unconsciously he always felt that these people were all secretly talking about him.

It was not until a baseball cap dropped onto his head that Gu Deng raised his head warily, only to see Zhang Li using his body to block off the crowd. “Are you feeling unwell? I’ll take you back.”