SA | Chapter 26

Heartbeat

Outside the door, Gu Deng lay on a rocking chair watching funny videos, petting a dog, and occasionally bursting into laughter.

“Got internet?” Zhang Li asked as he walked over, towel-drying his hair.

“Yeah!” Gu Deng craned his neck to look at him from the rocking chair. “Smith is here, so we can connect to Starlink Wi-Fi!”

Zhang Li turned around to put on a fleece and a jacket. When he turned back, he found Gu Deng looking up at him.

“Why did you give me the meat?”

“What do you mean, why?”

“Well…” Gu Deng hesitated a bit, “Judy said whale meat is for family.”

“Yeah.”

“Then you…”

“What about me?”

It was evening, and the setting sun lit up the room brightly. Everyone else had gone to prepare for the feast, leaving the room, usually bustling with people, with just the two of them. Dust danced in the air, and it was unusually quiet.

Half the sunlight fell on Zhang Li’s face, making his rugged masculine aura warm, like a fluffy lion waiting for prey to walk into its trap.

Gu Deng stared at him for a while, finally lowering his eyes and saying, “It’s nothing.”

“Gu Deng,” Zhang Li spoke up.

“Cookie!” Gu Deng interrupted Zhang Li by grabbing Cookie’s paw, “Long time no see, give us a bark~”

“Woof woof woof~!” The big dog wagged its tail enthusiastically at Zhang Li.

Zhang Li didn’t pat Cookie’s head; his dark, deep eyes looked at Gu Deng with a subtle assertiveness.

Gu Deng felt a strange panic, wanting to leave, but Cookie wanted to play with Zhang Li and jumped onto the rocking chair.

The rocking chair tilted back with the impact, and Gu Deng’s head tilted back as well, his cheek almost brushing against Zhang Li’s waist. The fresh scent of shower gel mixed with the masculine scent rushed into Gu Deng’s nostrils, and something seemed to be expanding in the bright light.

Gu Deng’s eyes widened in disbelief, his mouth agape. The rocking chair continued to sway due to inertia, and Gu Deng felt like he was about to crash into Zhang Li’s waist… or something even more awkward.

Startled, Gu Deng was about to get up when the chair suddenly stopped swaying. Zhang Li reached out and pressed his shoulder. Zhang Li had just showered, his fingers distinct and veins prominent, even his knuckles were a reddish-pink, reminiscent of those highly liked hand photos on social media.

Those hands rested beside Gu Deng’s ear, just a move away from touching his cheek or head. Gu Deng sat upright, even breathing lightly.

Yet, even holding his breath, he could still see Zhang Li’s bulging chest muscles, prominent Adam’s apple, sharp jawline, and eyes staring at him like a hunter.

Gu Deng’s Adam’s apple bobbed, inexplicably feeling a bit parched. The air grew thick, something fermenting within it.

Just then, the door burst open with a “bang,” and Ali bounced in, “Uncle Gu, Uncle Zhang, you’re so slow, Mom sent me to call you!”

Seeing the little owner, Cookie dashed towards Ali. Gu Deng sprang up from the chair, pretending to straighten his clothes. Zhang Li calmly withdrew his hands, donning a long jacket to cover himself.

Ali released Cookie, curiously saying, “Uncle Gu, your face is so red.”

“Is it?” Gu Deng touched his face, weakly refuting, “No, it’s not.”

Ali glanced at Zhang Li, eyes widening in disbelief, “Uncle Zhang, your ears are red too!”

“…”

“…”

The two exchanged glances, turning simultaneously to face away from Ali.

“I knew I had to come,” Judy entered, holding two sets of traditional clothes. “I borrowed these for you to change into and feel the atmosphere.”

Gu Deng and Zhang Li turned back to thank her, and Ali immediately announced her discovery, “Mom, their faces are so red, are they sick? I can lend them my puppet to heal.”

Judy suspiciously looked up, after a few seconds saying, “They shouldn’t be sick, just too hot. Let’s go out and let them change.”

Ali believed her mother, beckoning Cookie to follow.

The room, once lively, returned to quiet after the two and the dog left. The air had a thick texture, mixed with the honey-orange sunset, exuding a honey-like sweetness.

In this sweet and sticky air, they changed into thick fur coats, furry hats, snow boots, and ethnic embroidered belts as decoration.

Looking up and meeting each other’s eyes, they both paused, then simultaneously looked away and headed towards the feast venue.

As night fell, the sun softened, casting a pale golden light over the village. A bonfire blazed on the flat land outside the village, adults in splendid traditional attire cooking whale meat, children chasing dogs around.

Judy and Smith called them over, saying the piece of meat Zhang Li gave to Gu Deng was made into jerky for long-term preservation.

Before the banquet began, everyone gathered to drum and dance, occasionally mimicking whale calls. The singing was mournful, not quite the joy of celebrating a harvest. Zhang Li explained to Gu Deng that it was to mourn the whales, thanking them for their sacrifice.

Only after the mourning did people start enjoying the food. The atmosphere finally became lively, turning into the bustling scene Gu Deng imagined.

Everyone shared different parts of the whale, and although Gu Deng still wasn’t used to it, perhaps because it was fresh, it tasted better than the first time.

Besides whale meat, there was strong liquor. Zhang Li celebrated with the whaling team, eating a lot of meat and drinking quite a bit.

Gu Deng sat with the children, watching them happily run in circles. Occasionally, Cookie would come over, and Gu Deng would feed it fish and pat its head.

Carly sat on a chair, childishly refusing whale skin, saying she wanted to eat whale tongue. Not far away, an old lady cried with joy upon eating fresh whale skin.

The whole scene was bustling, but not noisy, rather a warm celebration. Watching this, Gu Deng felt a strong sense of healing. In the coldest, most desolate polar region, people still lived earnestly. This existence healed Gu Deng, giving him courage to face more difficult things.

As the banquet drew to a close, the music became lively, and the well-fed people played instruments and danced.

Ali pulled Gu Deng to play with her, the little girl banging a small drum, shaking her head more vigorously than anyone. Gu Deng accompanied with a guitar, stumbling through local songs.

More and more people joined, dancing to the music. Gu Deng searched for Zhang Li in the crowd but couldn’t find him. Just as he was about to give up, he noticed Zhang Li had somehow taken out a camera.

Ali was the first to notice the lens, making exaggerated poses at Zhang Li. Gu Deng joined in, the firelight illuminating his gentle eyes. His singing style couldn’t be hidden even by the thick fur coat.

People gathered around Gu Deng, joining in the grand celebration. By the end of the song, Gu Deng didn’t even know what he was singing, mixing English, Inuit, and even Chinese. But no one cared, as they could feel kindness and joy from his expression.

Singing, Gu Deng couldn’t help but feel a bit like crying. He thought… he would never be happy for music again.

After the song, Ali pulled him to dance again. After one round, Ali was flushed with excitement, pulling Gu Deng for a second round. But Gu Deng stopped, waving to Zhang Li on the side.

Gu Deng guessed he must be drunk, or why else would he make such a gesture to Zhang Li?

Zhang Li lifted his head from the crowd, momentarily motionless.

Just then, the music changed, dense drumbeats and rhythmic chants joined in, and Gu Deng’s heart thumped along.

As the second beat began, Zhang Li grabbed Gu Deng’s hand, blending into the joyful crowd.

Someone added fuel to the fire, making the bonfire blaze brighter, illuminating the massive whale bones. In the moonlight, Gu Deng looked at Zhang Li, feeling his heart turn into a bonfire, floating lightly into the air.

At eleven o’clock, the banquet hadn’t ended. The perpetual daylight turned the world into a giant playground, where people celebrated harvests, shared joy, communed with ancient spirits, and the feast never ended.

They danced several rounds until Gu Deng noticed something off about the feel of his palm, leading Zhang Li to the bonfire. Gu Deng was half-drunk, almost needing to lean into Zhang Li’s palm to see clearly.

Zhang Li’s palm had two deep grooves, the blood had dried, leaving only rough tissue.

“I wanted to ask earlier,” Gu Deng wanted to touch but withdrew his hand, just asking, “What happened to your hand?”

Zhang Li: “Rope burn from whaling, it doesn’t hurt now.”

Gu Deng: “Why not bandage it?”

Zhang Li initially wanted to say it wasn’t necessary, the scabs would heal in a few days. But facing Gu Deng’s worried eyes, he changed his answer, “Too busy, didn’t have time.”

Gu Deng indeed got angry, scolding him for not taking care of himself, and insisted on bandaging him. Zhang Li obediently followed.

The bedroom was still empty, Gu Deng had Zhang Li sit at the bedside while he rummaged through his bag for the first aid kit… first aid kit…

Zhang Li waited for a long time without seeing Gu Deng move, went over to check, and found him asleep holding the backpack. The young man’s lips slightly parted, his cheeks bright in the moonlight, occasionally mumbling something. Zhang Li squatted beside him for a while, just about to wake him when Gu Deng woke up on his own, drunkenly searching for the medical kit.

Gu Deng never organized his luggage, stuffing everything into a big bag when going out, making it hard to find the first aid kit.

Just as he was about to dump everything out to find it, a voice suddenly came from behind, “Come here.”

Gu Deng turned to see Zhang Li sitting on a stool with his legs apart, looking down and calling him. The light from above cast a fierce indifference on his features, contrasting with his usual gentleness in an oddly unusual way.

Gu Deng’s heart inexplicably raced, but he didn’t immediately go over, just said, “I need to find the first aid kit.”

“It’s here,” Zhang Li said, “Aren’t you going to bandage my hand?”

Gu Deng said, “Yeah.”

Zhang Li: “Come here.”

Gu Deng, too lazy to stand, half-squatted and shuffled over to Zhang Li, looking up, “Hand.”

Zhang Li opened his palm, but Gu Deng rested his chin in it, giggling foolishly. Zhang Li pinched Gu Deng’s chin, a different emotion flickering in his dark eyes.

“Uh…” Gu Deng was forced to tilt his head, his body restrained, blinking in confusion.

“Gu Deng, you’re drunk,” Zhang Li’s deep voice sounded.

“I’m not drunk!” Gu Deng replied loudly.

“How do you prove you’re not drunk?” The man’s rough hand rubbed his chin.

Gu Deng, oblivious, paused for two seconds before opening his mouth, “Woof woof woof~”

“…………”

Zhang Li released his hand, giving up on teasing the silly kid.

Gu Deng, oblivious, happily opened the first aid kit. He disinfected Zhang Li’s wound, then wrapped it with medical bandages. Though his mind was a bit foggy, he performed the actions beautifully.

“All done!” After bandaging, Gu Deng patted Zhang Li’s hand to soothe the injured area. Then he packed the first aid kit and stood up—only to find himself dizzy from standing up too quickly, nearly falling onto Zhang Li’s lap.

“S-sorry…” Gu Deng, startled awake, felt his cheeks heat up and was about to get up when he suddenly touched something hard.

Gu Deng froze, looking up to see Zhang Li’s expression, but the latter used his bandaged hand to pinch his jaw, forcing Gu Deng to turn his face away.

People from the banquet began returning, and Gu Deng stared blankly at the door, his mind filled with questions: Where am I? What did I touch? Why is Zhang Li reacting this way?

Footsteps grew closer, conversations audible, and as the door opened, Zhang Li released him, and Gu Deng immediately stood up, quickly creating distance. The men greeted each other drunkenly, then washed up and went to bed.

Time ticked by, surrounded by snores, but Gu Deng couldn’t sleep at all, tossing and turning, his mind replaying the earlier events.

Why did he have to bandage Zhang Li’s hand, why couldn’t he stand steadily and ended up on his lap? Now look, you’re the one feeling awkward, right?

Even more awkward was having to share a bed with Zhang Li, squeezed onto a small bed, under one blanket, any slight movement could touch the other’s body. Though they usually tried not to touch, accidents happened.

Gu Deng had to move as close to the edge as possible, nearly half his body hanging off. Behind him, Zhang Li suddenly lifted the blanket and got up, and Gu Deng curiously lifted his head.

Zhang Li was silent for a moment, then said, “Sorry, I’ll sleep outside.”

Gu Deng was taken aback, “It’s so cold, where can you sleep?”

Zhang Li: “I have a place.”

“You have nothing,” Gu Deng interrupted him. This village hardly had any visitors, with limited building materials, there wouldn’t be guest rooms. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be squeezing in with Zhang Li and the three generations of the family.

“Just sleep,” Gu Deng pressed Zhang Li’s arm, and to reassure him, added, “I didn’t know anything when I sat on your lap.”

Zhang Li: “…”

He had to lie back down, carefully moving to the other side, avoiding touching Gu Deng.

Silver moonlight filled the room, and Gu Deng closed his eyes, trying not to think about those scenes. But he had a wandering mind, playing little movies in his head every night before sleep.

Even if he didn’t think about that incident, his mind was filled with all sorts of random things, from his baby photos to his epitaph, nothing escaped.

Maybe he should just take a sleeping pill, but getting up was so cold. Gu Deng wrestled with himself, and in this struggle, gradually fell asleep.

Gu Deng had a dream, and he knew it was a dream because he returned to a scene that had appeared before.

In an outdoor gear store filled with backpacks, Gu Deng dreamt of Zhang Li helping him measure his back length.

Zhang Li’s hand pressed his lower back, saying it was the top of his hip bone, but when Gu Deng turned around, he only saw Zhang Li’s fingers pressing on his waist dimple. The other hand wasn’t on his C7 vertebra but had wrapped around to his front, gripping his neck.

The man’s rough hand slowly and inexorably tightened, quickly giving Gu Deng a feeling of suffocation.

However, the next moment, the scene suddenly switched to a hotel room, Zhang Li pinning him against the bathroom mirror, using his bandaged hand to lift his chin, saying, “Remember how you look now.”

Gu Deng lifted his head, seeing his own dazed eyes and slightly parted lips, Zhang Li pressed closely against his back, muscles taut, like a panther rising and falling.

What was happening?

Gu Deng was startled, and as he moved, he was pressed against the mirror, the cold glass stimulating his body, his waist tightly gripped, the large hand on his neck gradually tightening.

Gu Deng was nearly suffocating, but amidst this near-suffocating pain, there was a wave of shameful pleasure.

When Gu Deng woke up, the room was empty, sunlight still dazzling, and muffled conversation came from outside.

He looked down at his pants, silent for a few seconds, then closed his eyes in despair.