TA •Chapter 45

"Does that mean moving out?" Jiang Yuduo pinched the bottle in his hand, then tilted his head back and drank the rest of the water. After that, he let out a sigh and wiped his mouth.

Cheng Ke watched him.

Most of the time, Jiang Yuduo seemed to exist in two states. Cheng Ke did not know how to define them, but he could feel the difference.

For example, Jiang Yuduo’s calmness right now and the calmness from last night were two completely different states.

"I was thinking…" Cheng Ke considered it. "Maybe I should go back home and stay there for a while."

"Fuck," Jiang Yuduo laughed. "Why don’t you tell Cheng Yi first? After that, see if he’ll let you get back home that smoothly."

Cheng Ke sighed, turned onto his side, bent one leg up, and tugged a corner of the blanket over his leg.

"Cold? Didn’t we turn the heat on? Why did you shut it off?" Jiang Yuduo pushed the blanket toward him a little.

"It’s been on for so long, even with the window open the air wouldn’t be good anymore," Cheng Ke said. "Besides, I was worried we’d burn through the oil."

"Did you stay up all night?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"I don’t think so. Maybe I slept a little. I’m not sure, I was kind of half-awake and half-asleep." Cheng Ke rubbed his face.

"Your face looks awful," Jiang Yuduo said, looking at him.

"Better than yours," Cheng Ke said, looking back. Jiang Yuduo’s face was pale, and anyone could tell this bout of dizziness was serious. "You didn’t sleep, did you?"

"Mm. If I can’t sleep, I can’t move either." Jiang Yuduo smiled. "I thought you were asleep."

"How could I… sleep?" Cheng Ke said.

"You must’ve been thinking all night, right?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

Cheng Ke said nothing. He pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and tossed the pack and lighter beside Jiang Yuduo’s hand.

Jiang Yuduo lit a cigarette too, held it between his teeth as he leaned against the car door, and looked out the window. "It’s snowing again."

"A timely snow promises a good harvest," Cheng Ke said.

"If you can’t go home," Jiang Yuduo asked, "where do you want to go?"

"I…" Cheng Ke hesitated and did not say Xu Ding’s name. "A friend and I set up a shop. We just wanted to hurry and get the basic renovation done before the New Year, so I could stay there for now, or…"

"Xu Ding?" Jiang Yuduo asked, still looking out the window.

"…Mm." Cheng Ke looked at him. "I’ve known Xu Ding for many years, we’ve always kept in touch…"

Jiang Yuduo did not say anything else.

"At this hour…" Cheng Ke also looked out the window. "Is there somewhere selling breakfast?"

"Yeah," Jiang Yuduo turned his head. "Are you hungry?"

"Kind of. If I kept sleeping, I wouldn’t feel anything, it’s just…" Cheng Ke had not finished when Jiang Yuduo had already stubbed out his cigarette and lifted the blanket. Cheng Ke hurriedly grabbed Jiang Yuduo’s arm. "I’ll go with you… If you’re not hungry, I can… go by myself."

"I’m going." Jiang Yuduo said.

"No need. You just stopped being dizzy," Cheng Ke said, still holding on without letting go. "It’s fucking cold out there."

"I’m going." Jiang Yuduo said.

"I’m not hungry, I don’t want to eat anymore," Cheng Ke said.

"I’m hungry." Jiang Yuduo looked at him.

Cheng Ke was at a loss for words. Jiang Yuduo glanced at his hand. "Let go."

Cheng Ke had no choice but to loosen his grip.

Jiang Yuduo got out of the car and shut the door. He looked around once more before lowering his head and walking toward the east gate.

Actually, for him, this temperature outside was not especially cold. But he had lain there all night without even taking off his coat, and Cheng Ke had piled a whole blanket on him. After his body had adjusted to the warmth, getting out from under it and into the snow like that really did feel cold.

He zipped his coat all the way up and walked quickly forward.

The surroundings were very quiet. At this hour, the people who stayed up late had just gone to sleep, and the early risers had not gotten up yet. For him, it was a very safe time.

The breakfast shop had only just opened, and he might still need to wait a bit before he could buy anything to eat.

Actually, it would have been just right if he had come out half an hour later.

But Jiang Yuduo still insisted on coming now, not because he was arguing with Cheng Ke, and not because he was afraid Cheng Ke might be in danger, he just wanted to come out.

He did not want things to be too awkward.

And he did not want Cheng Ke to feel too awkward either.

Cheng Ke was a good person, even though he did not believe what Jiang Yuduo said, at least not entirely, he really was a good person.

"Do you have a screw loose?"

Someone had said that to him before, maybe more than one person had, but he could not remember. Those people who had disappeared, he could not remember them anymore either.

Everything was not unfamiliar.

And yet it was very different.

Cheng Ke was the only one who had never said those words to him, the only one who was even willing to follow his line of thought and speak carefully.

The only one who had not immediately disappeared when he thought Jiang Yuduo might hurt him.

Maybe it was kindness, maybe it was upbringing, maybe it was that thing about having "ideas."

Cheng Ke was different from everyone else.

He was a little scared.

He was afraid that if one day Cheng Ke disappeared, he would remember it forever.

As expected, the breakfast shop had just opened. By the time Jiang Yuduo arrived, the bun shop owner was still pushing up the rolling shutter door.

"This early?" Seeing him walk over, the owner glanced at the clock on the wall. "You’ll have to wait a bit before there’s anything. The buns have only just gone in the steamer."

"It’s fine." Jiang Yuduo said. As he walked into the shop, he felt a little itch on his face and reached up to touch it.

He found a thin, melting strip of ice at the corner of his eye.

There was a pile of miscellaneous things on the table in the corner, daily necessities and unwashed vegetables. Jiang Yuduo walked over, picked up a small mirror on the table, and looked at himself.

Inside the green round frame was his pale face. It was probably because it was too cold, even the scar on his face had been frozen so that it was no longer any different in color from the skin beside it.

His eye sockets were not red.

He rubbed his eyes, sat down on a stool, lit a cigarette, and looked outside.

Outside was gray-white. Streetlights cut through the snow fog and barely lit up a patch of space, like a yellow horn-shaped tube with white flowers on it.

Under the streetlamp across the road, there was a person standing there.

At first glance, there was no one. On the second glance, Jiang Yuduo saw him.

"Are you catching a train?" The owner moved the chairs stacked on the table down one by one. "At this hour, you probably can’t even get a taxi. There’s not a soul on the street."

"No, I couldn’t sleep so I got up early," Jiang Yuduo looked away. "Then I got hungry."

When he looked back, the person under the lamp post was already gone. He lowered his head and closed his eyes for a moment.

"So young and already insomniac," the owner said with a smile. "I’m an old man, and I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow every day. You’re just not tired enough."

"Probably." Jiang Yuduo said.

After the buns were steamed, Jiang Yuduo bought twenty of them. They were pretty big, and with hot soy milk too, he probably would not be able to finish them all.

He stuffed the buns and soy milk inside his coat and hugged them as he hurried back to the neighborhood.

When he could see the car from far away, he touched the area around his eyes again, but there was nothing there.

When he was still twenty or thirty meters away, the car door opened and Cheng Ke jumped out.

"What are you doing," Jiang Yuduo said as he walked over. "Putting on a welcoming committee?"

"Welcoming back a hero who walked through a snowy morning to buy buns without wearing a hat." Cheng Ke said.

"It wasn’t far, just crossing the street for a few steps," Jiang Yuduo brushed the snow off himself and got into the car. After closing the door, he took the bag out from inside his coat and put it on the seat. "The only place open was the bun shop."

"Mm." Cheng Ke also got into the car, reached out, took a bun, and bit into it. "I haven’t eaten buns in a long time… These are pretty big."

"Yeah." Jiang Yuduo took one too.

Cheng Ke held the bun he had already bitten into and glanced at him, then turned his head away again.

"Why are you looking at me?" Jiang Yuduo said. "Want to say it’s bigger than me?"

"Shut up," Cheng Ke said. "Can you not ruin everything by staring at food?"

Jiang Yuduo smiled and took a big bite of the bun, head lowered. "You young masters really are delicate."

Cheng Ke sighed and said nothing.

After finishing the buns and soy milk, they sat in the car in a daze for a while longer. Cheng Ke secretly glanced at the time, and it was 5:30.

The heat still had not been turned back on in the car, and by now it felt a little cold. After hesitating for a moment, he said, "Let’s go upstairs. It’s warm in the apartment."

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo answered.

When Cheng Ke walked into the building carrying a bundle of blankets, the security guard happened to be standing by the entrance.

"What’s this about? I saw you last night carrying a blanket out too, looking pretty anxious. During patrol in the middle of the night, I saw you still in that car over there," the guard said. "I saw you smoking in there, so I figured you were fine and didn’t go over."

"…Camping," Cheng Ke said. "You guys patrol too?"

The guard laughed. "Of course. We have to walk around twice every night to protect the residents’ safety."

"Oh." Cheng Ke smiled.

When the elevator doors opened, Jiang Yuduo pulled him inside with the blanket. "I told you to fold it first before bringing it, then it wouldn’t have been such a huge bundle."

"How do you fold that much stuff in a car?" Cheng Ke said.

"Do you actually not know how to fold a blanket at all," Jiang Yuduo said, "and only know how to shake it out flat?"

"I’ve never folded one before," Cheng Ke answered honestly, "but I can still fold it. If you’re putting it in a cabinet, you have to fold it up. It’s just that you need space when you’re folding it."

Jiang Yuduo leaned against the side and laughed.

After they got back inside, the warm air made Cheng Ke relax all over, and he sat on the sofa without wanting to move anymore.

Jiang Yuduo cleaned out Meow’s litter box and fed it. When he came out, he stood in the living room for a while. "I’m taking the car back to Chen Qing."

"Oh, are you going?" Cheng Ke took out the car keys.

"If I go, he’ll drag me into chatting for a while. If you go, what would he even chat with you about?" Jiang Yuduo said.

"Is the chief bodyguard that lonely…" Cheng Ke tossed him the keys.

Jiang Yuduo walked toward the door. "Order takeout for lunch yourself. Chen Qing will definitely want to eat with me."

"Mm." Cheng Ke nodded. He wanted to sleep for a while now and might not even be able to get up by noon.

"The old lady might leave tomorrow. After she leaves, I’ll bring Meow back." Jiang Yuduo said again.

Cheng Ke looked at him but did not speak, only nodded.

"You…" Jiang Yuduo’s hand was on the doorknob, gripping it very tightly, and Cheng Ke could see the whitened knuckles. "The time on the rental contract isn’t up yet, but if you want to move out, it doesn’t count as breaking the lease."

Cheng Ke looked at him.

"You can stay for the rest of the month," Jiang Yuduo said with some effort. "Just, if you can’t find a place to move into right away… you can keep staying here…"

Cheng Ke did not know what to say. Something felt blocked up in his chest, and it blocked his throat too, leaving him unable to speak.

The things Jiang Yuduo was saying made him feel as if, once Jiang Yuduo opened the door and walked out now, they would never see each other again.

The door clicked. Jiang Yuduo walked out, then gently pulled it shut.

Cheng Ke sat on the sofa, his elbows propped on his knees, staring at the cat-shaped keychain on the coffee table for a very long time.

In the end, he sighed, stood up, and went into the bathroom.

Probably because he had not slept all night and the air in the car had never been good, he looked at himself in the mirror and realized he looked about the same as a refugee, with red-rimmed eyes from exhaustion.

He turned on the hot water and let it pour over his head. Only when his whole body started to go weak did he shut it off and let out a long sigh at the wall.

After showering, he went into the bedroom, lay down on the bed, and only when he closed his eyes did he realize he was so sleepy he was even a little dizzy.

Meow came into the bedroom. Cheng Ke could feel it jumping onto the bed, stepping on the blanket to leap onto him, then walking from his body to his face before curling up on the pillow in front of the tip of his nose.

Cheng Ke reached out and poked Meow’s belly with one finger, and soon fell asleep.

"So early in the morning," Chen Qing ran over. "Didn’t I say I’d just drive it over the day after tomorrow?"

"Then take it back again." Jiang Yuduo got out of the car.

"Nothing happened last night, right?" Chen Qing followed behind him. "Did you get into a fight with someone? I heard a commotion from the second floor and ran down. Someone said there was a brawl."

"Didn’t really fight." Jiang Yuduo entered Chen Qing’s shop and sat down in the lounge area, then took out a cigarette.

"Because I thought Jiajia’s face didn’t look right," Chen Qing brought over an ashtray and sat next to him. "Did you eat breakfast?"

"I ate before five." Jiang Yuduo said.

"Fuck," Chen Qing froze. "I was just saying we could eat together, and everyone else already ate except me."

"Go buy some, and I’ll watch you eat it." Jiang Yuduo said.

"Forget it, then how could I still eat it?" Chen Qing lit a cigarette. "When did that guy with Jiajia leave? I didn’t see him when I came downstairs."

Jiang Yuduo said nothing.

"He’s fine, right?" Chen Qing said. "I took a look… oh right! What’s the relationship between those two!"

Jiang Yuduo looked at Chen Qing, who had instantly veered off topic. "What?"

"Him and Jiajia… Jiajia and him…" Chen Qing looked over at a few coworkers nearby and lowered his voice. "Are they actually a…"

"Shut up." Jiang Yuduo said.

Chen Qing usually reacted very quickly in situations like this. He shut his mouth right away, but still let out a small "tch."

"Third Brother," one of Chen Qing’s coworkers came over and greeted Jiang Yuduo. "You got a cold? Your face doesn’t look great."

"Seeing you makes it impossible for my face to look good," Chen Qing said. "Who are you calling Third Brother?"

"If I call you Third Uncle, you still won’t become my elder." The coworker laughed.

"Hey, where are you going?" Chen Qing called after him, taking out his wallet. "You going out for breakfast? I’ll treat you, bring me one too."

"Treat your ass, next time," the coworker said as he walked out. "I’ll just bring you something random."

"Fine!" Chen Qing shouted.

Jiang Yuduo looked at Chen Qing, then at the other people in the shop.

He knew almost all of them. Some had argued with Chen Qing before, and some had fought with him, but once things were over, they were all back to laughing and joking with each other.

So simple.

Sometimes Jiang Yuduo envied this kind of life very much.

Even though he had been hanging around with Chen Qing and the others for ten years, it felt like he should have been born here and grown up here, carrying the various scents and marks of this world, these people all his own kind.

Still, he envied it.

Cheng Ke was different from him, so Cheng Ke would not easily believe him.

Chen Qing and the others were different from him too, so Chen Qing and the others would believe him unconditionally.

When Cheng Ke was woken by a slap from Meow’s paw, it was still dark outside the window.

He stared outside for a long time before reaching for his phone and checking the time, only to find that it was already evening.

When he got out of bed, his head was a little foggy. He sat on the sofa for a long time before he finally felt awake.

There was a missed call from Xu Ding on his phone, and no other messages.

He looked around the room. Jiang Yuduo probably had not come back.

He poured himself a glass of water and drank it, fed Meow, then called Xu Ding. "What is it?"

"You’re free tomorrow, right?" Xu Ding said. "Come take a look at the shop."

"Okay." Cheng Ke said.

"Then I’ll come pick you up tomorrow at nine." Xu Ding said.

"Mm," Cheng Ke hesitated for a moment. "Last time you said there was a… lounge room in the shop?"

"Yeah," Xu Ding said. "Didn’t we say we’d set one up first so it’d be convenient for resting and stuff later?"

"It’s all done?" Cheng Ke asked.

"Not yet. How could it be that fast?" Xu Ding paused. "Why?"

"Nothing, just asking." Cheng Ke said. "I’ll wait for you at nine tomorrow."

After Xu Ding hung up, Cheng Ke leaned against the table and looked around.

He had not lived here long, only a few months, but everything in this room was already very familiar, and he had fully gotten used to it.

He had not planned to give up the apartment right away. It was too rushed, too much like running away. For either himself or Jiang Yuduo, that kind of approach felt a little too awkward.

But Jiang Yuduo’s understanding was somewhat off from what he had in mind. That difference might have come from some form of self-protection, cutting off his retreat before him and helping him sever his backup path first.

Cheng Ke let out a soft sigh and picked up his phone to order takeout for himself.

If he had judged correctly, Jiang Yuduo would not come back for dinner, and before tomorrow, when he came to take Meow away, he would not step into this apartment again.

That judgment was accurate enough. The next morning, when Xu Ding’s car stopped downstairs, Jiang Yuduo still had not returned.

Cheng Ke took his notebook and left the building.

"Is Jiajia not home?" Chen Qing asked as he drove. "Why do we have to go to Sister Xi’s place first to get the keys?"

"In case he isn’t there." Jiang Yuduo said.

"No, seriously," Chen Qing looked baffled. "Why not just call and ask if he’s there?"

"Just drive!" Jiang Yuduo yelled as he watched Chen Qing once again make a smooth right turn through a red light, and slapped him on the back. "Is your monthly salary enough to fucking pay the fines?!"

"Fuck! I saw the red light! I was turning right!" Chen Qing shouted.

"Go get yourself an astigmatism prescription!" Jiang Yuduo roared. "That was an arrow!"

"Was it an arrow?" Chen Qing froze.

"Watch the road." Jiang Yuduo sighed.

The car stopped downstairs. Jiang Yuduo opened the door. "You wait here. No need to look for a parking space."

"I can help you carry stuff," Chen Qing looked at him. "There’s the cat bed, cat litter box, a whole bunch of things."

"No need." Jiang Yuduo said.

"Oh, then Jiajia can help you carry them." Chen Qing sat back in the car.

Jiang Yuduo got into the elevator. After pressing the floor button, he stood still all the way until the doors opened.

He pressed the doorbell twice and stood outside waiting.

There was no movement inside, only Meow’s faint cry could be heard twice.

After hesitating for a moment, he knocked on the door again.

After waiting a bit, he took out the key and opened the door.

Warm air rushed over him, mixed with the scent of the perfume Cheng Ke often sprayed inside the cabinets.

Cheng Ke was not home.

Jiang Yuduo was a little surprised. Cheng Ke was not someone who liked to go out, and it was not mealtime now either. By Cheng Ke’s habits, even during mealtime he could not be bothered to go out, takeout or instant noodles or whatever, anything would do.

Had he gone… to look at the shop?

The one he and Xu Ding were setting up together?

Jiang Yuduo frowned and started packing up Meow’s things.

For some reason, today he packed slower than usual. When Chen Qing called to ask if he needed help, he had only just finished bundling everything up.

"I’ll be down in a minute." He copied Cheng Ke’s manner and stuffed Meow inside his coat, then picked up the things.

When he reached the door, he stopped again.

He had been distracted these past two days, and something he would normally have seen at a glance had almost been overlooked.

There was a small notepad on top of the shoe cabinet.

There was a line of writing on it.

– I went to the shop to take a look, call if anything comes up

Cheng Ke had left him a note.

Jiang Yuduo stared at that line for a long time, then opened the door. After stepping out, he came back in, tore off this page from the notepad, and put it in his pocket.

Every time the old lady stayed here, before she left she would clean the place up again, and she would not be satisfied until it was even cleaner than when she had arrived.

This time, when she left, she had also trimmed away the few withered plants in the backyard.

Jiang Yuduo stood by the backyard door and stared at the suddenly empty-looking yard, lost in thought.

He had never thought the yard was this empty before. Even with the withered plants standing there, they still occupied some of the space. Now that they were suddenly gone, Jiang Yuduo could not quite wrap his head around it.

Were they dead?

Last spring, they had still sprouted buds. Their growth had not been very good, but they had always had leaves, and only withered again after autumn.

Jiang Yuduo sighed. Even if they were not dead, they would not have had the chance to sprout in spring and prove that they were alive.

He went back inside, put Meow’s things away again, and sat down at the table.

The cigarette packs the old lady had flattened and tucked under the table had not been thrown away. She probably thought he was saving them to sell for money…

He took a few cigarette packs and placed them on the table, then pulled a knife from his coat pocket and slowly sliced through the flattened packs, one cut at a time.

He did not need a ruler, nor did he need to measure. With one cut like this, he could trim out paper pieces that were basically the same size.

About the size of a playing card.

He had cut a great many of them, fifty-five each time, a complete deck of playing cards.

He did not know how to play cards, not any kind of cards, and he did not even want to watch when Chen Qing and the others played cards.

But he had played cards many, many times.

Too many to count.

Every night, the puppies would sit together and play cards.

Using cut-up cigarette pack paper.

A deck had 55 cards, and 54 of them would be used.

There were no numbers or letters on the cigarette pack paper, and there did not need to be, because they could not see them.

The puppies would draw cards in turn, hold them in their hands, then casually call out one number or several numbers, and casually toss down one card or several cards…

His phone was ringing.

Jiang Yuduo put down the knife. The cigarette pack paper on the table was already cut. He first gathered the paper into a stack, then picked up his phone.

It was Cheng Ke.

He answered the call. "Hello?"

"What’s wrong with your voice?" Cheng Ke asked on the other end.

"Hm?" Jiang Yuduo cleared his throat. Probably because he had not drunk much water all day, his throat felt tight.

"Sounds like a scream toy." Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo laughed. "You’ve got a fucking tiny heart."

"Did you pick up Meow?" Cheng Ke said. "I’m still out right now."

"Picked it up." Jiang Yuduo said.

"Mm," Cheng Ke answered. "I was just asking about that."

"Okay." Jiang Yuduo said.

"I’m having dinner with a friend tonight," Cheng Ke said. "Everything’s… pretty good."

"Got it." Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke hung up.

Jiang Yuduo lay down on the table, his fingertips tapping lightly on the surface a few times.

Cheng Ke had been telling him he was safe.

Was he afraid that Jiang Yuduo would worry?

Or was he afraid… that Jiang Yuduo would follow him again?

Jiang Yuduo pressed his eyes into his arm, took a deep breath, held it for a while, then slowly let it out. Tears surged out along with that breath.