TA •Chapter 44

Cheng Ke had always been puzzled by one thing, and that was "them." It was also the one subject Jiang Yuduo had been a little less guarded about when he brought it up on his own, even though ever since their last fight Jiang Yuduo had deliberately stopped mentioning any of it.

Cheng Ke had suspected that Jiang Yuduo might have some kind of mental illness. Even when Chen Qing had pointed at him and cursed him out, he still had his doubts. There were too many things he could not explain from his own point of view.

But he had never been someone who liked to dwell on such things. Especially when he was facing Jiang Yuduo, who even now still had feelings for him, he was even less willing to think too deeply.

When Jiang Yuduo refused to answer his questions, Cheng Ke would usually just stop asking.

But now, this kind of protection, which went far beyond Cheng Ke's idea of what a "friend" would do, was getting hard for him to take.

He was grateful that Lin Xu had not told Xu Ding the truth. Maybe Lin Xu had thought it was inconvenient to say, maybe he simply did not know how to say it, but at the very least, Cheng Ke did not have to explain to Xu Ding what exactly was going on between him and Jiang Yuduo.

Just like he did not like to think too much, he was also afraid of explaining himself. Even when he had been kicked out of the house, he had not explained much.

After Cheng Ke finished asking, Jiang Yuduo said nothing, only looked at him.

He was not in a hurry. He had the whole night to slowly wear Jiang Yuduo down. If Jiang Yuduo really could not give him a reason he could understand… he was not sure how far those "feelings" he had for Jiang Yuduo could still carry him.

He did not dare imagine what would have happened if he had not happened to come out of the bathroom just then.

If Jiang Yuduo had gone crazy like last time and refused to let go even after hearing him.

That cup pressed against the artery at Lin Xu's neck, and Jiang Yuduo's murderous look, still made him cold with fear when he thought about it now.

"You should have seen them," Jiang Yuduo said softly, "you just might not know it."

"Like what?" Cheng Ke asked.

"That day you were standing across the street," Jiang Yuduo said, "you really didn't see anything? On your left."

The way he said it sent a chill down Cheng Ke's back. He remembered Jiang Yuduo asking him that question before, but he had not even been aware of whether he had looked to the side. Maybe it had just been an absent turn of his head.

"I really didn't see anything," Cheng Ke said. "Tell me, who are they?"

Jiang Yuduo frowned and stayed silent for a very long time before finally saying, "They've been following me for many years. I can pretty much… see them every day."

"Are they people?" Cheng Ke asked.

"Who?" Jiang Yuduo blinked.

"The ones following you, are they people?" Cheng Ke asked carefully. "Or… ghosts?"

"You've watched too many ghost movies," Jiang Yuduo said. "Of course they're people."

"What kind of people?" Cheng Ke asked again. "How many are there?"

Jiang Yuduo hesitated for a moment, lowered his eyelids, and after a while said, "They're people from my… dad and mom."

Cheng Ke froze, remembering the little dog Jiang Yuduo had mentioned before, and the other little dogs.

"You said they were your dad and mom…" Cheng Ke asked. "Are they your real parents?"

Jiang Yuduo kept his eyes lowered, his lashes trembling faintly. "I don't know."

Don't know.

It was not an evasive answer. Cheng Ke could tell Jiang Yuduo truly did not know, but that not knowing only left Cheng Ke more lost.

If these memories were so painful and frightening, most people would answer no, not I don't know.

That suddenly gave him a chilling suspicion.

Cheng Ke was starting to run out of ways to ask. He took out a cigarette and lit it, then after thinking about it, handed it to Jiang Yuduo.

"Open the window." Jiang Yuduo took the cigarette.

Cheng Ke opened the sunroof a crack. Cold wind rushed in at once, and his body seemed only then to wake up and realize it had gone stiff with cold.

But when he glanced at Jiang Yuduo, there did not seem to be any reaction, so he gritted his teeth and did not show it. He did not want Jiang Yuduo stripping off his clothes again or doing something like that. He really could not take any more of that kind of behavior, not with how complicated it already felt to him.

Cheng Ke lit another cigarette for himself and bit it between his lips. Halfway through smoking it, he asked again, "Then why would your dad and mom… have people follow you?"

Jiang Yuduo's fingers, holding the cigarette, trembled. Ash fell onto his pants.

He lowered his head and stared at the clump of ash for a while before brushing it off twice.

"Because I ran away," Jiang Yuduo said.

Ran away. That probably meant around the time he first met Chen Qing, he had escaped from somewhere?

"Then you've already been gone for a long time," Cheng Ke said. "How are they still…"

"You can't get away," Jiang Yuduo cut him off, speaking very quickly, his voice carrying obvious restlessness. "They said that no matter where you run, they'll find you, they'll find you."

Cheng Ke said nothing.

"So they found me," Jiang Yuduo said, rolling down the window and flicking his cigarette butt out. He turned and looked at Cheng Ke. "They've always been following me."

"Your dad and mom?" Cheng Ke asked. "The people following you."

"No, no," Jiang Yuduo said irritably, shaking his head. "People I don't know."

Cheng Ke looked at him, and after a long hesitation asked again, "The people following you, you don't know any of them?"

"No." Jiang Yuduo said.

"For all these years, there have always been people following you, and all of them were strangers you had never met before," Cheng Ke frowned. "Is that what you mean?"

"Yes." Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke looked at him and fell silent.

"Are you done asking?" Jiang Yuduo asked softly.

"At first," Cheng Ke lowered his head, his forehead resting against the steering wheel, "did you think I was one of them too?"

"…Yes." Jiang Yuduo answered.

"Why wasn't I later on?" Cheng Ke asked.

"You couldn't even light a gas stove," Jiang Yuduo said. "You can't do anything."

Cheng Ke laughed and turned to look at him. "Why do you think now that they're going to hurt me?"

"We ate together, and were close." Jiang Yuduo answered.

"Chen Qing was closer to you than I was, wasn't he? And those little brothers of yours," Cheng Ke said. "Why are they fine?"

"You're different from them." Jiang Yuduo said.

Different.

Maybe. It really was different.

Cheng Ke lit another cigarette. When he pressed the lighter, he found that his hand had gone a little numb, and it took two or three tries before he managed to light it.

He glanced at Jiang Yuduo.

Jiang Yuduo looked a little tense, but his body did not seem to be reacting to the cold.

"How am I different from them?" he asked.

"They wouldn't want to ask me these things." Jiang Yuduo said.

You don't believe me.

Cheng Ke could still clearly remember what Jiang Yuduo had looked like when he said that sentence, his expression, his gaze, his tone.

Cheng Ke felt a mess in his head. Everything he wanted to know, Jiang Yuduo seemed able to answer, but those answers only threw him into even greater confusion.

Jiang Yuduo had grown up in some place, with "dad and mom" and other children, enduring some pain he could not mention. Then he had escaped from there. For all these years afterward, the people sent by "dad and mom" had been following him, each time different people, all strangers he had never seen before.

And at first Jiang Yuduo had thought Cheng Ke was one of those strangers too. After confirming he was not, Jiang Yuduo had then realized those people wanted to hurt him.

And in Jiang Yuduo's eyes, Lin Xu should have been one of the people who wanted to hurt him.

Cheng Ke felt his brain was not enough for this. He still remembered the scene of Chen Qing pointing at him and cursing him out, and he did not want to make such a guess, but the information Jiang Yuduo had given him now made it impossible to make sense of anything.

"How do you tell which people are…" Cheng Ke could not find the right words.

"I can tell," Jiang Yuduo said, turning to look at him. "I can also feel it. If they realize I've seen them, they'll run."

"Then Lin Xu…" Cheng Ke did not finish before Jiang Yuduo cut him off again.

"I can tell," he said. "I've seen too much of it."

Cheng Ke said nothing.

"Sometimes I get hurt," Jiang Yuduo looked out the window, "not very serious injuries. They just want to let me know."

"Know what?" Cheng Ke asked.

"That you can't get away," Jiang Yuduo said. "Never."

"Why don't you call the police?" Cheng Ke said.

"It's useless." Jiang Yuduo answered very quickly.

"Have you called the police?" Cheng Ke stared at him. "If you haven't called the police, how do you know it's useless?"

Jiang Yuduo frowned and said nothing.

"Have you called the police?" Cheng Ke asked again.

Jiang Yuduo was still frowning, as if he had not heard him.

Cheng Ke no longer knew what else he could ask, or what else he still wanted to know.

From the very beginning, all his questions may have already had answers in his heart. He had just been carrying on with an ostrich's mindset, neither meddling nor asking, and even clinging to a sliver of hope. After all, he had those "feelings" for Jiang Yuduo, feelings he had not had for anyone else in a very long time. Some things, if you did not know, you could keep muddling through.

Even if they were only "friends."

He had even told Jiang Yuduo where he was going, so Jiang Yuduo would not worry.

If not for what had happened today, if not for having to face the reality that Jiang Yuduo really might hurt someone completely unrelated…

These conversations, which on the surface seemed no different whether he asked them or not, whether they were answered or not, suddenly snapped him awake in fear.

With the last of his struggle, he looked at Jiang Yuduo. "Can you tell me…"

"Don't ask anymore." Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke paused, but still went on. "I want to kno…"

"Don't ask anymore." Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke gritted his teeth. "Tell me what the little dog was doing."

Jiang Yuduo suddenly turned his head and lunged over from the passenger seat, grabbing Cheng Ke by the collar and shouting, "I told you not to ask!"

Cheng Ke tried to pull his hand away, but failed. Jiang Yuduo's entire arm was trembling, yet his strength was astonishing, and Cheng Ke could not budge him at all.

In that instant, fear surged over him like the darkness outside the car window, flickering with lights but never quite illuminated.

"Jiang Yuduo!" he shouted back. "Let go!"

"I said don't ask! Don't ask! They'll know! They'll find you!" Jiang Yuduo glared at him. "Little dog training! Little dog fighting! Little dog is hungry! Little dog wants to sleep! But little dog can't cry, can't talk…"

Cheng Ke felt like he could hardly breathe. He tried to lift a leg and ram Jiang Yuduo away with his knee, but Jiang Yuduo suddenly rose up, and his knee beat him to it, pinning Cheng Ke's leg down first.

"The little dog is very scared," Jiang Yuduo's voice began to shake, his eyes turning red. "I'm scared."

"Don't be scared," Cheng Ke said, struggling a little. "You're safe now. No one will hurt you, no one can hurt you."

"I'm scared." Jiang Yuduo's voice dropped lower.

Cheng Ke reached back and found the car door. He grabbed the handle and pulled, and the door suddenly flew open.

He fell backward out of the car, and Jiang Yuduo's hand slipped from his collar.

Cheng Ke's legs were still inside the car. He hit the ground on one shoulder, and when he struggled to get up, Jiang Yuduo had already gotten out from the passenger side and come around the front of the car to stand beside him.

Cheng Ke felt that in the next second, the knife in Jiang Yuduo's pocket might be driven into him.

But Jiang Yuduo did not take out the knife. He just grabbed Cheng Ke by his clothes and hauled him up from the ground, slamming him hard against the car. "Do you know why I didn't want to tell you?"

Cheng Ke's head snapped back against the car, and he immediately felt a wave of dizziness.

"Because you don't believe me," Jiang Yuduo leaned in close, saying each word slowly. "Cheng Ke, you don't believe me. No matter what I say, you won't believe it!"

"Yes!" Cheng Ke shouted. "How the hell am I supposed to believe you!"

Jiang Yuduo stared at him, panting heavily.

"I believe you want to protect me, I believe you don't want to hurt me," Cheng Ke said, "but every bit of danger in my life has been brought to me by you. If it were anyone else, I would have stayed far away already!"

"Then why didn't you stay away!" Jiang Yuduo shouted back, almost nose to nose with him.

"Do I even need to ask?" Cheng Ke shouted too, not knowing whether the thing rampaging through him was anger or fear or confusion. "I told you I have feelings for you!"

Jiang Yuduo said nothing. He stared at him for a very long time, then finally let go and leaned back against the car behind him. "Do you think I'm sick?"

Cheng Ke looked at him and did not speak.

"Someone else said that before too. Later, I never saw him again," Jiang Yuduo said. "You think that too, you just haven't said it."

Cheng Ke coughed twice.

"I know you don't want me following you," Jiang Yuduo's voice gradually calmed down. "I don't want you to find out I was following you either, but…"

Jiang Yuduo lowered his head and fell silent for a very long time.

"No one can get hurt because of me again," Jiang Yuduo said. "I'm scared."

When Jiang Yuduo said that word, "scared," there was no emotion left in his voice. It was calm as if nothing had happened, calm to the point of not even seeming calm.

"Who got hurt?" Cheng Ke asked.

"He said, you're safe now," Jiang Yuduo looked at him. "You are safe now… I originally couldn't remember who told me that."

"You remember now?" Cheng Ke asked.

"No," Jiang Yuduo said. "I remembered that he died… not safe, it won't be safe…"

Cheng Ke felt his breathing stop for a moment.

Even when Jiang Yuduo had been talking about the little dog and those things, he had not been as shocked as he was now. He had not expected that among Jiang Yuduo's experiences, there would also be death.

The person who had once wanted Jiang Yuduo to believe he was safe was dead.

Cheng Ke did not believe in those "them," but for some reason, he believed in Jiang Yuduo's past, the one Jiang Yuduo refused to talk about.

"How did he die?" he asked.

Jiang Yuduo did not answer, only repeated, "He died."

Cheng Ke did not ask further. He was already exhausted, and he did not even know whether he still had those "feelings" for Jiang Yuduo.

"Will you move out?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

Cheng Ke said nothing.

"You will, right?" Jiang Yuduo looked at him. "You're scared."

Cheng Ke glanced at him. "No."

"You're scared," Jiang Yuduo said. "I can tell. I know very well what fear is."

"It's normal for me to be scared," Cheng Ke said, "but right now I'm just tired."

"Then are we going back?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

Cheng Ke hesitated, then turned and opened the car door.

He did not know why, in this kind of situation, he still had to stay with Jiang Yuduo, but he still got into the driver's seat.

After starting the car, the moment the heat came on, he felt a little relieved.

It took him a while before he finally drove out.

The whole way, Jiang Yuduo did not say anything, only reclined his seat and lay down.

Cheng Ke did not say anything either. He had originally thought he was full of questions, and if he asked them one by one, maybe he would not get through the entire night.

But now the questions were still there, and he no longer had the courage to ask.

At first, he had only wanted a meaningless confirmation.

He only wanted Jiang Yuduo to prove that his judgment was wrong.

But in truth, he had already known from the start that Jiang Yuduo could not prove it.

Those others that nobody had seen, those who would never appear the same way twice, those others who could only be strangers, all of it was determined solely by Jiang Yuduo's "I can tell."

Cheng Ke felt as if his whole body were sinking, and he could barely hold the steering wheel.

After they got back downstairs and found a parking space, he glanced at Jiang Yuduo lying in the passenger seat.

Jiang Yuduo still had his eyes closed, as if he were asleep.

Cheng Ke thought he had become somewhat numb already, that he no longer had much strength left to be afraid. But the moment he opened his mouth to wake Jiang Yuduo, he realized he was still afraid.

He was afraid Jiang Yuduo would suddenly spring up, would suddenly grab his collar.

He believed Jiang Yuduo would absolutely never hurt him, but if Jiang Yuduo stabbed him once, he would not be surprised either.

"Are we there?" Jiang Yuduo asked softly with his eyes still closed.

"Mm." Cheng Ke answered. When he was about to open the car door, he stopped again.

Something about Jiang Yuduo's voice was off, weak and drifting.

"What's wrong with you?" Cheng Ke turned on the dome light.

"Nothing." Jiang Yuduo was still lying there with his eyes closed, not moving.

Once the light was on, Cheng Ke could clearly see his face. It was very pale, his brows tightly furrowed, and large beads of sweat hung on his temples.

"Jiang Yuduo?" He hurried over and touched Jiang Yuduo's forehead. "What's wrong?"

"I'm dizzy." Jiang Yuduo answered quietly.

"Dizzy again?" Cheng Ke was startled. After hesitating, he gently tugged at his arm. "Should I carry you upstairs to lie down?"

"Don't move," Jiang Yuduo said. "Can't move."

After saying that, he frowned and said nothing else, holding still in the same position as before.

Cheng Ke was stunned for a moment, then opened the car door. "Wait for me a bit. Stay here and lie down. I'll go get a blanket."

"Don't bother with me." Jiang Yuduo's voice was so low it was almost inaudible.

Cheng Ke said nothing and got out of the car.

He took two bottles of water from home and brought a blanket back to the car. Jiang Yuduo was still in the same position.

Carefully, Cheng Ke covered him with the blanket, then lowered the car window a little, started the car, and turned on the heat.

He did not know why Jiang Yuduo had suddenly started feeling dizzy again. Maybe it was coincidence, maybe it was because of his emotions.

According to Chen Qing, all they could do was wait. Maybe one or two hours, maybe until tomorrow morning.

But Cheng Ke did not care. Whether he stayed here with Jiang Yuduo or lay in bed, it would all be the same. He would not be able to sleep tonight anyway.

He took out his phone and wanted to message Chen Qing, but after thinking about it, he put the phone back.

Chen Qing could be said to be fiercely loyal to Jiang Yuduo. If he found out he was dizzy right now, he would definitely rush over, and then they would all have to squeeze into the car together… Cheng Ke really did not have the energy to face Chen Qing again.

Thinking of Chen Qing made Cheng Ke feel a little lost again.

Chen Qing sometimes seemed like he was permanently at war with his intelligence, but Cheng Ke also knew he was not a complete idiot. Yet after running with Jiang Yuduo for ten years, he had never once doubted Jiang Yuduo, and would even fly into a rage because of Cheng Ke's suspicions.

If Chen Qing, or even those little brothers who ran with Jiang Yuduo, had not helped him keep this hidden… these people also did not seem to possess that kind of acting skill or have a reason to conceal it like this… then it could only mean that when Jiang Yuduo was around Chen Qing and the others, aside from "them," there really was nothing else that seemed suspicious.

The last time Jiang Yuduo had beaten him up, Chen Qing had said it had been many years since anything like that had happened.

Cheng Ke frowned. He did not know if he could interpret it this way, but because of his appearance, because of his appearance as someone "different," Jiang Yuduo had only then started to have these frequent abnormalities.

Jiang Yuduo had said before that Chen Qing and those little brothers, "they're fine," which meant only he would have problems.

Cheng Ke irritably rubbed his face, shoved his fingers into his hair and scratched hard a few times, then held his head without moving.

The night passed quickly.

Jiang Yuduo had said that the more you tried to kill time, the slower time passed.

If you ignored time itself, time passed very quickly.

When Jiang Yuduo moved slightly beside him, Cheng Ke glanced at the time. It was already past four.

"How are you feeling?" Cheng Ke asked.

The moment he spoke, he startled himself. His voice came out like it had been squeezed through a crack in a stone wall packed with sand, so dry it even carried a whistle.

"What's wrong with you?" Jiang Yuduo turned his head. "You sound like a screaming chicken."

"Fuck off," Cheng Ke said, his voice still wheezing. "Still dizzy?"

"Much better," Jiang Yuduo slowly sat up, hugging the blanket. "I don't feel like throwing up anymore."

"Want some water?" Cheng Ke asked.

"Mm." Jiang Yuduo nodded.

If he could nod, he probably was not dizzy anymore. Cheng Ke took a bottle of water, twisted it open, and handed it over.

Jiang Yuduo tilted his head back and gulped down more than half the bottle, then wiped his mouth and turned to smile at him.

Cheng Ke smiled back.

That smile of Jiang Yuduo's made him feel very uncomfortable.

"Are you hungry?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

"No." Cheng Ke said.

"Sleepy?" Jiang Yuduo asked again.

"Don't feel anything. Probably not sleepy." Cheng Ke said.

"Oh." Jiang Yuduo nodded, hugging the blanket, seeming not to know what else to say.

Cheng Ke also did not know what else to say.

He was the kind of person who took things as they came. Once the danger and trouble had passed, he would not keep obsessing over why, what to do, how could it be. For most of his life, he had muddled through like this.

But now, squeezed together in the car with Jiang Yuduo, sitting there exhausted and relaxed, he found he could no longer just take things as they came.

"Cheng Ke." Jiang Yuduo called him.

"Mm?" Cheng Ke turned his head.

"Can I still count as your friend?" Jiang Yuduo asked.

Cheng Ke felt even his breathing pause.

"We're friends." He said.

Jiang Yuduo seemed to let out a breath, then smiled and asked again, "Then do you still want to move out?"

Cheng Ke was silent for a while. Looking at Jiang Yuduo, he said softly, "If they… I mean, those people following you, if they know we aren't close anymore, or… aren't in touch anymore, then would you… would you not have to worry anymore about me being unsafe?"