WC ⋆ Chapter 59

Qi Lin treated the afternoon tea, then went out for a meal, and by the time he got home it was already seven in the evening, but the place was still empty.

He sent Jiang Yishen a message asking what was going on, waited nearly half an hour before getting a reply, which said he’d be back later.

Qi Lin suggested he just stay over there for the night; Jiang Yishen said he wanted to come back.

Simple words, no emoji, no punctuation, and you could tell his mood wasn’t great.

Qi Lin left a small lamp on in the living room, went back to the bedroom, and worked through a set of practice problems. He hadn’t done any in a long time and his feel for it was off; halfway through he’d zone out without meaning to, his mind full of Jiang Yishen going around in circles.

Once the New Year passed there wouldn’t be much time left before the exams, and Qi Lin felt the days were slipping away. He tore off a sheet of paper to redo his study schedule, had only written a few lines when he heard the door.

At nine-thirty at night, Jiang Yishen finally came shuffling back, looking like a lost soul.

“Baby!” He stood in the doorway, shoes still on, coat still on, and just started calling out.

Qi Lin put down his pen and ran out. He saw Jiang Yishen looking utterly wretched, the corners of his mouth turned down.

He walked over and hugged him. The cold trapped inside the down jacket was squeezed out and washed over him: “How did it go? Did the talk with Uncle not go well?”

“It was fine.” Jiang Yishen lowered his head and rubbed his cheek against him. “My dad made himself cry.”

Qi Lin was so startled he shoved him straight out of his arms, and confirmed with complete disbelief: “Who?”

“My dad.” Jiang Yishen scratched his head. “He thought it was embarrassing, told me to get out tonight, said he didn’t want to see me.”

Qi Lin stared at him, unable to process this for a moment.

“He said he knew it had been hard on me too, felt he hadn’t been a good father, and said that when he and my mom divorced he hadn’t considered my feelings, assumed I didn’t care about any of that.” Jiang Yishen changed into his slippers, smoothed his wind-tousled hair in front of the mirror, and only then noticed Qi Lin was still standing there frozen.

“What’s wrong?”

Qi Lin found himself speechless, his tongue tied in a knot, and it took a long while before he managed: “Your dad said that?”

The image of Father Jiang rose in his mind: tall, having to lower his head when talking to him, hair cropped very short, probably rough to the touch, those hands covered in calluses from years of typing at a keyboard, having to lean in close to the screen to work, told several times to get glasses and never willing to.

“Yeah.” Jiang Yishen’s voice drifted out from the bathroom.

Qi Lin expressed his skepticism: “You charmed him with some kind of spell.”

Jiang Yishen shot back with displeasure: “Bullshit, I just had a deep conversation with him.”

His tone was light, and he sounded to be in good spirits.

“You’ve actually learned how to have a deep conversation with your dad.” Qi Lin felt something almost like relief. “When you first came in you looked so deflated, I thought you two had fought.”

The water stopped. Jiang Yishen wiped the drops from his hands and suddenly asked: “Have you thought about what comes next?”

Qi Lin assumed this was a question Father Jiang had left for the two of them. He was pulling open the cabinet door to get some chocolate, and he paused to think: “Does it change anything? Our families both know now. As long as we don’t go around telling people at work, it should be fine.”

“Not that.” Jiang Yishen said. “I mean… should I keep trying for the graduate entrance exam?”

“Why are you suddenly bringing this up?” Qi Lin’s instinct told him this wasn’t a question he could really advise on. He tipped the chocolates out and popped one into his mouth.

Jiang Yishen sat down on the sofa, both arms propped on his knees, idly prying at a roasted chestnut in his hands.

The room was left with only the hum of the refrigerator, and now and then the crisp crack of a chestnut being split open. Qi Lin turned to look. Those hands deftly pinched the chestnut open, and a wisp of white steam curled out along with the fragrance.

“My dad thinks the reason I didn’t pass was entirely because of him.” Jiang Yishen said. “He’s placed a huge weight on that exam, as if it shapes the whole rest of my life.”

The chestnuts were well-seasoned but somehow hard to swallow; Jiang Yishen felt as though something was lodged in his chest too.

“What do you think?” Qi Lin asked.

“I don’t know.”

Hot water poured into the glass, beads of condensation forming on the outside, too hot by a degree, and Qi Lin burned his fingers when he picked it up.

“Do you actually want to keep studying?” Qi Lin set the glass down on the coffee table and sat down beside him.

Jiang Yishen held a peeled chestnut up to his lips: “No.”

“Do you want the degree?”

Jiang Yishen shook his head: “Doesn’t matter.”

Qi Lin said: “Just can’t let it go?”

The words were quiet, but Jiang Yishen smiled a little. He tossed the small metal prying tool onto the table, leaned back into the sofa, stretched out with full force, and said: “Just can’t let it go.”

Missing it was missing it. He hadn’t blamed anyone. Everything had been beyond his control, but the feeling of not being able to let go was real and solid, a refusal to accept it from himself.

“Then take it again.” Qi Lin said.

“What if I don’t pass?” Jiang Yishen turned his head to look at him.

Qi Lin picked up the roasted chestnuts, fingers going sticky, and split one open: “Before we got back together, you asked me once what you’d do if you didn’t pass.”

Back then neither of them had said much, just touched on it and left it.

“I actually never thought about it.” Qi Lin said.

Jiang Yishen blinked and said: “Aren’t you the type who plans out every path?”

“Not at all.” Qi Lin said.

“I just feel like, throwing away a whole year for the sake of not being able to let something go, it’s not quite worth it.”

“Then you’ll probably spend the rest of your life not being able to let it go.” Qi Lin said.

He didn’t really want to comfort Jiang Yishen with “you’re still young.” Qi Lin didn’t think that proposition had an expiration date, as if past a certain age you no longer had the right to say it.

But that was ultimately just his own view, and others might not agree, since everyone’s cost of making mistakes was different.

Still, he felt Jiang Yishen could understand what he meant.

“…Wait until graduation, I guess.” Jiang Yishen stared up at the ceiling.

Qi Lin didn’t respond. He knew that by saying those words, Jiang Yishen had already made his choice somewhere in the back of his mind.

Jiang Changpeng hadn’t cooked that evening. Jiang Yishen had ordered takeout and they’d shared it, but neither of them had much appetite at the time, eating a couple of bites before setting down their chopsticks.

Now, belatedly, he was a bit hungry. Jiang Yishen had eaten quite a few chestnuts and then dug out some crackers to stuff into his mouth. Qi Lin sat cross-legged beside him, holding a piece of chocolate and scrolling through his phone.

“Shouldn’t you call your family too?” Jiang Yishen asked.

Qi Lin glanced at him, sidestepping the question a little: “Since when did you start worrying about this?”

“After talking with my dad, I got the feeling your family might not actually want to wait until after the exam. It’s just that nobody wants to be the one to back down first.” Jiang Yishen said.

Waiting until after the provincial exam to talk about it, that was the timeline Qi Lin and Xing Yun had agreed on. After Qi Lin came out, he’d gone more than half a year without contacting his father, holding onto a stubborn resolve, wanting to wait until the exam was over, so that whatever the result, he would at least have seen one thing he wanted to do through to the end.

Jiang Yishen understood this, which was why he had never brought it up.

But perhaps it was the few sips of alcohol he’d had with Jiang Changpeng at dinner. His head was a little fuzzy now, and many thoughts that had previously lurked in the shadows were becoming strangely clear. He’d worked through quite a few things.

Qi Lin had taught him a great deal. He’d never felt Qi Lin had done anything wrong, whether it was taking a leave of absence to study or refusing to go home, in his eyes both had a kind of singular courage.

But the things Qi Lin had taught him, Qi Lin himself didn’t always seem to have figured out.

“Baby.” Jiang Yishen reached a hand toward him.

Qi Lin was still holding his phone up, and he let himself fall sideways, lying down with his head in Jiang Yishen’s lap, gaze not leaving the screen.

Jiang Yishen took the phone away and looked down at him.

“I know what you’re going to say.” Qi Lin raised a hand and covered his eyes. “My dad and Uncle are different. Wearing him down with soft persuasion won’t get anywhere. What he wants is a result, and right now I can’t give him one.”

Jiang Yishen leaned down and kissed his forehead: “That result doesn’t have to be finding a job or passing an exam, baby.”

“Did you drink?” Qi Lin asked.

“Is there still a smell?” Jiang Yishen paused, pulled up his collar and sniffed. “I only had the tiniest bit.”

He smelled of roasted chestnuts. Warm and fragrant.

Qi Lin lay there without moving. After a long while he finally asked: “You think what he actually wants isn’t that kind of… concrete result?”

“Mm.” Jiang Yishen kissed him again, this time the kiss landing on the tip of his nose.

Qi Lin took a deep breath, turned his head and glanced at the clock. Eleven-thirty at night. Half an hour to midnight.

There was still time for everything to loop.

Maybe it was because Jiang Yishen’s embrace was too warm. A kind of inexpressible light-headedness rose in him too. The practice problems he’d done tonight gave him the illusion of being back in last year’s lonely days of studying alone, and that feeling was genuinely awful.

Jiang Yishen’s kisses were moving downward one by one, about to land on his lips, when Qi Lin suddenly pushed him away.

Qi Lin flipped himself up from his lap, walked over to the refrigerator in one decisive motion, and took out a can of beer.

“What are you doing?” Jiang Yishen was left completely baffled, and a little nervous.

“I’m going to call my dad.” Qi Lin held the can under the tap and rinsed it, then pulled the tab open and tilted his head back to take two long gulps.

“You… huh?” Jiang Yishen hurried over. “Isn’t this a bit sudden?”

“Once I’m a little tipsy it won’t feel sudden.” Qi Lin said.

Jiang Yishen was dumbfounded, watching him tilt his head back and pour down more than half the can, not even thinking to stop him.

He just thought: to get Qi Lin tipsy, one can probably wasn’t going to be enough.