SA | Chapter 34

Mutual Redemption

Being with Zhang Li these days has been the happiest period for Gu Deng in the past four years.

It’s even been a vibrant and colorful happiness in his entire 30 years of life.

This is different from the joy he feels when writing songs, where creation is about bringing something from nothing, digging alone in the long darkness until finally seeing the light of day.

It’s also not the shock brought by the resonance of the crowd during concerts with fans.

Love happens between two people, a small and unreserved joy.

For some reasons and opportunities, for a period of time, long or short, he and someone in the world share the same mind, with both soul and body laid bare.

This makes Gu Deng feel satisfied and happy.

Gu Deng and Zhang Li continued living in the seaside cottage, as if they had completely forgotten about time and didn’t discuss whether they should continue next month.

Love was intensely concentrated in a short period, exploding into breathtaking joy.

But their interactions were actually very ordinary, just daily life, eating, sleeping, and then being intimate.

Strangely, the mundane chores of life that he once found meaningless now brought him immense joy.

One evening, while Zhang Li was preparing dinner in the kitchen, Gu Deng suddenly ran over and gave him a kiss.

“Hungry?” Zhang Li asked.

“No,” Gu Deng shook his head, “I just suddenly wanted to kiss you.”

Zhang Li was silent for two seconds and then asked Gu Deng, “Mind if we change dinner to a late-night snack?”

Gu Deng said it was fine, so Zhang Li put down the utensils in his hand, lifted Gu Deng onto the kitchen island, and kissed him, slowly entering.

There were many similar incidents.

One afternoon, Gu Deng casually mentioned feeling a bit bored, and by that same afternoon, Zhang Li had brought in a gaming console, connected it to the living room TV for Gu Deng to play.

“A gaming console?” Gu Deng was incredulous, “How did you know I wanted to play games?”

Zhang Li: “You mentioned it to Ali at Smith’s house before.”

Even Gu Deng had forgotten, not expecting Zhang Li to remember.

Gu Deng is a very real-world person, with almost no hobbies related to being a homebody, not even playing Honor of Kings.

His first encounter with console games left him unable to stop, directly getting addicted until late at night, sleeping only a few hours before getting up to continue the next day.

It made Zhang Li somewhat regret bringing in the gaming console.

But by noon the next day, Gu Deng suddenly turned off the machine and even put away the controller.

Zhang Li: “Not playing anymore?”

Gu Deng nodded, came over, and kissed Zhang Li, “I feel like being with you is more interesting.”

Zhang Li wrapped his arms around Gu Deng’s waist and carried him into the bedroom.

After everything was over, Gu Deng, resting on Zhang Li’s strong arm, sighed with satisfaction, “It would be great if we could be like this forever.”

He was just speaking out of emotion, but Zhang Li suddenly became quiet. A few seconds later, he fiercely pressed him back down.

After hundreds of thrusts, Zhang Li finally withdrew, leaning down to Gu Deng’s ear, breathing heavily, and said, “I want to take a photo of you, is that okay?”

Gu Deng’s head was still buzzing, taking a while to respond, “Take a photo of what?”

In the bright sunlight, Zhang Li’s fingers slowly brushed over Gu Deng’s body, “I want to take a photo of you.”

“Sure,” Gu Deng turned to face him, straightforwardly saying, “How do you want to take it?”

Zhang Li: “Just like this.”

Gu Deng: “…”

He understood that Zhang Li wanted to take a private photo shoot of him.

Zhang Li seemed to have already simulated a similar scene in his mind, explaining further, “I’ll give you all the film after shooting, so you don’t have to worry about privacy leaks.”

Gu Deng was a bit puzzled, “If you give me all the photos, what’s the point of taking them?”

Zhang Li didn’t answer, quietly looking at Gu Deng for a while, then suddenly asked, “What did you feel when you secretly took photos of me by the sea?”

Gu Deng blushed a bit, “So you knew?”

Zhang Li kissed his forehead, smiling, “What you felt back then is what I feel now.”

Pressing the shutter for someone you like, capturing a moment of their life, even if you can’t see the photos later, just knowing you once captured a second of loving them is enough to make one’s heart surge.

“Then let’s do it,” Gu Deng, who had previously shot underwear ads, didn’t think much of it and straightforwardly took off his clothes, asking, “Is this okay?”

Zhang Li shook his head, saying, “You don’t need to pose, just act naturally, and I’ll capture the moment.”

Gu Deng was stunned, “What do you mean by act naturally?”

Zhang Li: “Eat, drink, sleep, do whatever you want to do.”

Gu Deng: “…”

This was somewhat embarrassing, and Gu Deng couldn’t help but ask, “Why?”

“I want to capture you in your everyday life,” Zhang Li said, “not in your work state, but your true self.”

Gu Deng was silent for a while, nodding, “I’ll try.”

But he still cared a bit about his image. Although he had done the most intimate things with Zhang Li, it didn’t mean he could unabashedly show his body.

After trying several times, Gu Deng became a bit anxious, “Zhang Li, I can’t do it, I don’t know what I’m like in everyday life.”

He had been facing the camera for too long, and once there was a camera or someone watching, he would unconsciously enter work mode. But he wasn’t an actor who could show his true self in front of the camera; what he showed was a carefully crafted naturalness.

Zhang Li reached out to hug Gu Deng, kissing his furrowed brow, “Then let’s not do it.”

Gu Deng felt a bit uncomfortable, “But I promised you.”

Zhang Li: “It’s okay to change your mind.”

Gu Deng tilted his head to kiss Zhang Li, saying he wanted to try again. Zhang Li patted his head, patiently saying, “Then let’s try again in a few days.”

By this time, it was already June, and the midnight sun fully illuminated the land of Alaska. Gu Deng’s life was bathed in sunlight, bright and dazzling, with only a few insignificant worries still troubling him.

Just as Gu Deng was trying hard to get used to his natural state, he suddenly received a message from Smith, asking if he was with Zhang Li.

Gu Deng: Yes.

Smith: Is he next to you?

Gu Deng: Yes, what’s up?

Smith: I have something urgent, if it’s convenient, call me when Zhang Li isn’t around.

Gu Deng looked up at Zhang Li, who was preparing today’s lunch, and took his phone outside to call Smith.

Smith answered the phone, sounding sneaky, “Is Zhang Li next to you?”

“No,” Gu Deng said, “what do you need to tell me that you have to avoid him?”

Smith paused, then whispered, “Where are you guys now?”

Gu Deng told him the name of the town, and Smith asked, “Is he doing okay these days?”

“He’s fine,” Gu Deng was puzzled, “so what’s going on?”

Smith’s voice was a bit shaky, but he tried to stay calm, “Then just keep him steady, his parents and I are coming over now.”

“What’s wrong?” Gu Deng’s heart was racing, thinking their relationship had been discovered.

Smith: “Since he’s doing well, just pretend you don’t know. Anyway, don’t provoke him. If he really wants to do something, you can’t stop him with your build. We’ll be there by evening, and we’ll talk then.”

The more Gu Deng listened, the more confused he became, “What are you talking about?”

Smith: “Zhang Li has suicidal tendencies.”

Gu Deng was stunned, laughing as if he heard a joke, “How is that possible? Is there some misunderstanding?”

“Gu Deng,” Smith said, “he left a will.”

Only now did Gu Deng start seriously considering the possibility of Smith’s words. He almost blankly looked at Zhang Li, who was happily cooking, looking content and relaxed. Would this Zhang Li want to commit suicide? Even leaving a will?

“Is there some mistake?” Gu Deng still couldn’t believe it.

“I don’t want to believe it either, but Zhang Li’s parents used some not-so-legal means to get his will from the lawyer.” Smith paused, then added, “And when his brother passed away back then, he…”

“I know,” Gu Deng said, “but that had nothing to do with him. Zhang Li didn’t even go to the summit back then.”

“No,” Smith shook his head, “I used to think so too, but…”

“But what?”

Smith: “But when he found his brother, his brother was actually still alive. He passed away during the descent while waiting for rescue. To put it more brutally, Zhang Li’s brother died on his back.”

“How could…” Gu Deng’s mind buzzed, his face turning pale.

“And his brother never mentioned wanting to see the reindeer migration,” Smith said excitedly, “Zhang Li lied to all of us. He used it as an excuse to die on the road!”

Gu Deng stood there dumbfounded, his phone slipping from his grasp.

He felt like a part of his soul had been pulled away, while the remaining part stayed calm, picking up the phone and telling the other end, “I’ll wait for you to come. Zhang Li won’t have any accidents before you arrive.”

Gu Deng hung up the phone, dazedly walking into the living room, where Zhang Li fed him a shrimp.

“Help me taste the seasoning,” Zhang Li said, though such a simple dish didn’t really need tasting; it was just an excuse to come over.

Gu Deng chewed mechanically, swallowing without tasting anything.

“What’s wrong? You look pale. Are you feeling unwell?” Zhang Li touched Gu Deng’s forehead with the back of his hand, paused, and said, “Did I go too deep last night, and now you have a fever…”

Gu Deng suddenly hugged him, kissing him urgently.

Zhang Li was pushed back two steps, kissing Gu Deng while asking, “Who called you just now? Did something happen at work?”

Gu Deng said nothing, lifting his leg to wrap around Zhang Li’s waist.

Their bodies collided heavily, Zhang Li murmuring Gu Deng’s name, his touch restrained and patient, but Gu Deng grabbed his wrist, panting, “Stop teasing, just get in.”

…

After everything was over, Gu Deng lay on Zhang Li’s chest, with two clear handprints visible on his pale back.

Zhang Li had just let go, but his large hand covered it again, “Want to talk about it?”

Gu Deng stared at the sea outside the window, after a long time asking, “Zhang Li, have you thought about our future?”

“I’ve already thought about it,” Zhang Li said, “when we go back this time, I… um…”

Gu Deng didn’t dare to listen further, tilting his head to seal his lips.

For some reason, Gu Deng was especially clingy today, staring at him while eating, needing to hold him while napping, even following him to the bathroom. Zhang Li, who already had a strong controlling desire, both enjoyed this clinginess and worried that Gu Deng was facing some problem.

He watched Gu Deng’s furrowed brow even in sleep, holding him close and leaving a trail of gentle kisses.

Zhang Li suddenly remembered that night in the mountain cabin, and even earlier in the Brooks Range, when Gu Deng had comforted him from a nightmare.

At 3 p.m., Gu Deng was woken by the alarm, saying he wanted to go out for a walk, and asked Zhang Li to get up and change clothes. These days, they stayed in the small house, mostly dressed lightly or not at all. As they were ready to go out, the doorbell suddenly rang.

Gu Deng stood at the door but didn’t move, his face darkening.

Zhang Li came out of the bedroom, asking, “Who’s here?”

Gu Deng took a deep breath, gathering the courage to open the door.

Outside was a worried-looking Smith, with Zhang Li’s long-separated and already divorced parents behind him, and a stranger who introduced himself as a psychologist.

Gu Deng had been holding onto a glimmer of hope, but when he saw the complex expression on Zhang Li’s face, he immediately understood everything.

“Why can’t we talk things over?” The well-dressed woman was already in tears, looking like she might faint, saying, “Why do you have to choose suicide?”

Zhang Li looked at this scene, feeling the blood rush to his head, pounding in his eardrums.

He turned to look at Gu Deng, who stepped back, saying coldly, “You guys talk, I’ll go outside.”

Gu Deng turned to leave, but Zhang Li suddenly grabbed his wrist, reaching out to close the door.

“Bang—”

Outside, the group stared at each other, while inside, Gu Deng and Zhang Li faced each other in silence. The air was tense and thick, ready to explode at any moment.

“Is it true?” Gu Deng looked up at Zhang Li, forcing himself to control his trembling voice, “They said the reindeer migration was your own wish, and you even left a will. Zhang Li, is this true?”

Zhang Li breathed heavily, staring at Gu Deng with eyes dark and deep, like a wild beast gone mad. He didn’t answer, pressing Gu Deng against the wall and kissing him almost violently.

There was a knocking sound outside the door, but Zhang Li pressed Gu Deng against the wall, kissing him slowly and fiercely, as if burning away all their rationality at this moment.

Until they were both breathless, Zhang Li finally released their lips.

“It’s true, but not entirely,” Zhang Li took a deep breath, trying to reassure Gu Deng, “Don’t worry, things aren’t as serious as you think. If you don’t want to see them, just wait for me on the balcony, okay? Don’t leave my sight, I’ll worry about you.”

Gu Deng looked at him quietly, after ten seconds, with red eyes, he asked, “Can I trust you?”

He looked so pained, desperate to escape, yet forcing himself to stay, trying to forgive Zhang Li.

Zhang Li’s heart trembled violently, he pulled Gu Deng into his arms, “Yes, you can.” He kissed Gu Deng’s face repeatedly, both pleading and promising, “Gu Deng, you must trust me, I’ll tell you everything.”

Gu Deng’s nose tingled, tears falling down.

Zhang Li talked to the others in the living room, while Gu Deng curled up in a chair on the balcony, burying his face in his arms.

About half an hour later, the sound of the door closing came from inside, and then Zhang Li opened the balcony door, squatting beside Gu Deng and asking, “Are you okay?”

Gu Deng curled up into a ball, his shoulders trembling slightly, after a dozen seconds, he finally looked up, his face all red from crying.

“Sorry, I didn’t know they would contact you.” Zhang Li held him in his arms, kissing gently, “I’ve explained everything, they won’t bother you again.”

Gu Deng murmured, “So you don’t want to…”

“I don’t,” Zhang Li kissed his lips, seriously promising, “After meeting you, I don’t want to anymore.”

Gu Deng’s tears were about to fall again, he cried for so long, his face became hot and moist, almost suffocating when kissed by Zhang Li. Yet even so, he didn’t let go, instead, he cried while kissing more eagerly than Zhang Li.

Until Gu Deng was on the verge of suffocation, Zhang Li finally stopped, gently stroking the back of his neck, asking, “Feeling better?”

Gu Deng nodded, he wasn’t crying anymore, just his voice still heavy with emotion.

“Can you listen to my explanation now?”

Gu Deng nodded, looking at him with red eyes.

Zhang Li’s heart ached terribly, he softened his voice, “Sorry, I should have told you earlier. But things aren’t as serious as you think, my job has some risks, leaving a will is just in case, I leave a will every time I go out.”

Gu Deng: “If it’s just that, then why did your family…”

Zhang Li was silent for a while, saying, “I’m not close to my parents, after my brother passed away, we contacted even less, maybe they misunderstood.”

Gu Deng felt a pang of sadness, reaching out to hug Zhang Li.

“I’m fine, I stopped caring a long time ago. And I didn’t want to commit suicide, just…” Zhang Li suddenly stopped, looking at the eternally shining sea, saying, “Just sometimes, I feel tired.”

He was tired of parents who refused to divorce despite a broken relationship, so he immersed himself in photography early on, trying to escape the situation through taking pictures.

He used photography to avoid his parents’ arguments, suffocating coursework, and to find meaning in life. But later, he gradually realized that photography couldn’t completely solve the problem. So he started distancing himself from everything, heading into the wilderness, exploring the most remote and unfamiliar areas on Earth.

Over the years, he had almost traveled every piece of land on Earth, capturing many wonderful works. From the Sahara Desert to the Arctic and Antarctic, from Alaska to the Himalayas, from Hoh Xil to the Amazon jungle.

But then what?

Go to more remote places? Try more dangerous activities? Capture even more novel works?

After seeing all the wonders of the world, where else could he go?

When a friend died in a wingsuit flight, Zhang Li suddenly thought of his own end. He thought, maybe he would also die in the wilderness during some exploration.

After his brother’s mountain accident, this premonition grew stronger, so he left a will for himself, handling his affairs at a very young age.

“But not anymore,” Zhang Li looked at Gu Deng, word by word, “After meeting you, I found something more moving than challenging danger.”

The first encounter on the Dalton Highway, the reunion at the Anchorage bar, the invitation to join the reindeer migration in the seaside town… scenes from the past flooded Gu Deng’s mind, but the story’s beginning was actually a whale’s song.

“Zhang Li, there’s something I never told you.” Gu Deng suddenly looked up, saying, “I decided to come to Alaska after seeing the whale video you shot.”

Zhang Li was stunned.

Gu Deng told him, “If it weren’t for the things you shot, I might not have survived.”

Zhang Li’s heart pounded violently, his eyes gradually reddening.

Gu Deng held Zhang Li’s face, word by word, “You might feel like your life is stagnant, just like I did in the past, unable to find the value of existence for a while. But in places you don’t know, you’ve also saved others’ lives.”

Gu Deng looked into Zhang Li’s eyes, word by word: It’s because of your works, and our experiences together, that before I was completely desperate, I wanted to try again. You saved me, and I’m very grateful.”

Zhang Li’s body trembled uncontrollably, before tears fell, he hugged Gu Deng tightly.

Gu Deng felt the wetness in his neck, he looked up in surprise, but Zhang Li bit his lip, kissing deeply. Then Zhang Li lifted him up, striding into the bedroom.

In the bedroom, Zhang Li knelt on one knee by the bed, while taking off his outer clothes with one hand, as he leaned down, Gu Deng reached out to stop him, saying, “I want to take photos.”

“Now?” Zhang Li’s voice was hoarse.

“Now,” Gu Deng pulled Zhang Li’s collar, saying, “Together.”

The bedroom was painted white, with a whole wall of floor-to-ceiling windows, the midnight sun’s light entering through the windows, making the room almost dazzlingly bright.

The tripod stood quietly aside, with an external electric film winder and timer, the 100-megapixel medium format camera capturing every detail.

Both Gu Deng and Zhang Li had just experienced an emotional breakdown, their emotions incredibly intense. They embraced and indulged in front of the camera, losing everything yet embracing everything.

Zhang Li almost lost all self-control, fiercely biting, entangling, and embracing Gu Deng.

After his emotional breakdown, Gu Deng became incredibly sensitive, every breath accompanied by a deep shiver. When this impact accumulated to a certain critical point, Gu Deng’s body suddenly tensed, then he lifted his head, unable to suppress a scream.

In this extreme pain and pleasure, in the moments when the soul was repeatedly pulled and melted, Gu Deng gradually realized that the pain in life wouldn’t disappear because of a wonderful trip, a sweet love, or meeting someone.

After returning from the trip, the pain wouldn’t just vanish, problems remained unsolved, and the world didn’t operate as he wished.

There wouldn’t be a time when no one could always stay happy, never feeling lonely, empty, or sad again. Pain was more like a lifelong illness, as long as one was alive, they needed to fight the lows in life.

But although pain wouldn’t disappear, it would ease. Beautiful scenery, the company of loved ones, the kindness of strangers, cats and dogs, a good book, a song, a meal could also bring emotional touch. These small beauties supported him.

He would still feel pain, but also joy. That’s enough, that’s enough.

Gu Deng hugged Zhang Li tightly, letting the click of the shutter capture their most embarrassed, sincere, painful, and joyful moments.

Outside, the light of the midnight sun gradually dimmed, bringing the bedroom into a gentle blue period. The camera’s battery was exhausted, and Zhang Li finally finished the last roll of film.

Everything was over, but Gu Deng’s body was still trembling, with two clear handprints on his waist, his body bruised and mottled. Gu Deng leaned into Zhang Li’s ear, embracing Zhang Li’s warm body, saying, “Zhang Li, now we’ve both died once.”

In the ultimate annihilation and dissolution, they fought against the gaze of death together.

The highs and lows intertwined, like the changing seasons, the ebb and flow of tides.

·

A week later, they said goodbye at the Anchorage airport. Gu Deng boarded the plane back home, knowing he wouldn’t experience a second Alaskan spring.