KM: Chapter 24

Everything in the new home felt unfamiliar, and Ji An struggled to adapt. His parents had never imposed any severe punishments, and Ji An knew this was because he was already a stutterer, already flawed, already so pitiful. His parents felt sorry for him.

His mom told him he should like a girl. He was silent for a long time before he slowly said that he only liked You Chen. Ji An saw his dad clench his fist, but instead of a second slap, he was pushed into a room and locked in for a month.

His room had no windows, and the four white walls trapped him, pressing down on him until he couldn't breathe. His meals were brought in by his mom three times a day. He couldn't leave, and if he refused to eat, he was threatened with being locked in for an additional day. He could only grit his teeth and eat a third of the food, then shake his head, saying he couldn't eat anymore, and later run to the bathroom to vomit when his mom went downstairs.

He seemed to have developed anorexia, losing a lot of weight in just a few days, his wrists so thin they looked like they would break with a gentle squeeze. He began to suffer from insomnia, unable to sleep night after night.

In fact, he didn't even know when it was night and when it was day. There was nothing in the room, and he had no means of communication, his phone had been confiscated, and the line was canceled. He began to experience brief fainting spells, which his mom mistook for him sleeping. He started to lose clarity in his vision, blaming it on his excessive tears. He began to experience persistent tinnitus, which he suspected was a reaction from nervous exhaustion.

Ji An felt like he was about to die, but he didn't want to be discovered. He wanted to die quietly. He told his mom not to come in, just to leave the food at the door, but she refused. So he spent an afternoon moving all the furniture in the room to block the door, then fainted by the bed.

When he awoke, he didn't know how much time had passed. His mom was crying at the door, begging him to move the things away, promising she wouldn't come in. But his mom would stand at the door, constantly pleading with him to eat something. He had no choice but to reluctantly eat a little before pushing the rest back out.

Ji An's anorexia hadn't reached a severe stage yet. He managed to sustain his fragile life with minimal food intake. Ji An didn't know if this was fortunate or unfortunate. He continued to live like a walking corpse until a month later, when the door finally opened. He stepped out and immediately collapsed, losing consciousness.

He was taken to the hospital and stayed for observation for several days. Due to his refusal to eat, the doctors had to administer nutritional injections. After being discharged, he was immediately taken to see a psychologist. When the doctor asked him questions, he opened his mouth but found he couldn't speak.

The doctor saw the patient's dull eyes suddenly cloud over again. None of his questions received any response, as if he was speaking to a lifeless shell. And so, Ji An began a lengthy half-year of psychological treatment until he could live normally again.

On the day his treatment ended, Ji An handed the doctor a piece of paper with writing on it and looked at him with eyes like a dying animal. It was the first time he had actively communicated with someone in a long time. The doctor took the paper and read it: "The person I like is a boy. Is this wrong? Should I continue?"

He paused, looking into Ji An's beautiful yet lifeless eyes, and after thinking for a long time, he replied, "I can't judge the right or wrong of this, but if liking him can improve your mental state, make you live healthily and happily, then I hope you can continue to like him." Ji An nodded and wrote another sentence: Thank you.

At the new school, no one knew Ji An, and no one bullied him anymore. Occasionally, someone would mock him as the "mute transfer student," but there were always others who would step in to stop it. The people here seemed to be full of goodwill towards him.

Ji An knew it was because he appeared so pitiful. His classmates pitied him. His life was so pathetic, the love he received was so scarce that he couldn't hold onto it. When he finally grasped it, he realized it wasn't love; it was pity, it was sympathy.

Only You Chen was different. You Chen didn't pity him at all. You Chen hated his stutter and never hid it. You Chen was harsh with him and never pretended to be kind. Only the love You Chen gave him was true love.

But no one allowed You Chen to love him, nor did they allow him to love You Chen. Even though he had so little, why couldn't he hold onto it?

Ji An voluntarily applied for a seat in the corner, a single seat. The classroom was on the third floor, and he liked looking out the window. Sometimes he would stare outside all morning. There was a tree downstairs, he didn't know what kind of tree it was, it looked like a locust tree, but it wasn't, and it certainly wasn't that locust tree.

Sometimes he would accidentally fall asleep, and when he woke up, his face would be covered in tears. Fortunately, no one noticed in that corner.

Two months after being at the new school, his mom suddenly asked him during dinner, "Is there a girl you like at the new school?" Ji An was stunned, his stomach churning. He could have simply said "no" to avoid a confrontation, but he seriously replied that he only liked You Chen.

Then he was locked in the room for a second time. Again, he lived like a walking corpse for a month. Maybe his clothes were too loose, and his mom didn't notice how frighteningly thin he had become. Or maybe the previous coma wasn't enough to make them realize that their so-called gentler methods were indirectly killing him.

Every time Ji An fainted, he wondered if he wouldn't wake up this time. But he always woke up. Ji An didn't understand why he couldn't just die.

When he saw the psychologist again, Ji An took out a pre-written note from his pocket and handed it over. The doctor slowly unfolded it. "I've fainted many times, I can't eat or sleep, I feel like I'm dying, but I haven't died yet, why? Could you prescribe me some sleeping pills? I want to commit suicide."

After reading it, the doctor slowly folded it back and said, "Perhaps it's because there's someone you still want to see." Ji An shook his head, borrowed paper and pen from the doctor, and wrote: I don't want to see him.

The doctor said, "But he wants to see you." Ji An lowered his head mournfully, still shaking it. They shouldn't meet again. He didn't even think You Chen would want to see him. Would You Chen hate him?

Ji An didn't say anything more. This session unexpectedly went smoothly, and a week later, he was able to return to school. His mom never gave up. Later, she changed her phrasing and asked him a third and fourth time. Ji An always answered that he only liked You Chen. And the result was always the same.

Ji An never left the room again. His mom would sit by his bed every week, asking him those questions. He no longer said he liked You Chen, he just said You Chen's name.

Later, for some unknown reason, his stutter suddenly improved, but he didn't say anything anymore, he just cried. His mom cried too, asking him why he liked You Chen so much.

Ji An choked and answered, "Because he hates my stutter, but he doesn't distance himself because of it, he doesn't pretend it's okay and say the stutter doesn't matter. He tells me to… speak well, to speak fluently."

Only You Chen wanted him to get better, wanted him to stop stuttering, rather than giving him sympathy or so-called gentle love. His mom shed many tears.

His dad never locked the door again, but Ji An felt like he was forever trapped in that room, unable to get out.