ACM | Chapter 1

I have already been standing in front of the mirror for an hour, fussing with my scarf. My already pale face has gone even paler, and my tense expression, like I’m about to throw up any second, feels unfamiliar. It’s definitely my face, but…. It feels like it isn’t me.

Today, I’m going to confess. To a senior at school who doesn’t know I’m gay.

Jinhoo sunbae, a third-year, and I got to know each other after meeting in a general education class at university. After that, I quietly developed feelings for him on my own. Honestly, the moment I first saw his face, I was helplessly smitten.

His slightly dark skin, his long eyes that tilted upward, the sexy line of his eyebrows, and his straight, sharp nose that looked like it belonged to a Western model drew the attention of not just me, but everyone on campus.

But he was, no need to say it, straight as an arrow, so I had planned to keep my feelings for him hidden for the rest of my life. At first, that was how it was. Definitely at first….

During the short, two-month acquaintance we kept up, the girlfriend at sunbae’s side changed three times. Every one of them was an incredible beauty, but maybe the reason they broke up so quickly was that sunbae couldn’t feel affection from the other person deeply, or maybe, even if he didn’t realize it yet, he might be the type who prefers men over women… I had even fallen into these pointless delusions.

But the reality was the exact opposite. Sunbae wasn’t indifferent to women at all, he actually liked women too much. He wanted to date every attractive woman who came up to him, but he didn’t want to take the dangerous gamble of an octopus leg in the narrow campus, and he was too lazy for multiple dating, so he kept replacing his girlfriends one after another. It was only after hearing his brutally honest thoughts during drinking parties with his friends, who he sometimes hung out with, that I learned what he was really like.

‘Ah, Mikyung? I’ll move fast and break up with her. Probably sometime this week. If she says no to sleeping with me, I wonder if she’s worth waiting for. Whether I sleep with her or not, I’m planning to end it this week anyway.’

‘What’s the problem again? Is she being annoying?’

‘Our personalities seem to match well, but I just never had any intention of keeping it going for long in the first place.’

‘Your personality is seriously…. If you’re going to break up, just break up. Why do you have to sleep with her first and then dump her?’

Sunbae was telling his friend Gyuseok hyung about his plan to clean up his girlfriend. Sungmin hyung, another friend, must have thought this wasn’t right too, because he jumped in and scolded sunbae, while Gyuseok hyung seemed to think it was no big deal, as if saying, This bastard acting like this, is that new? And all the while I listened to their conversation, I was frozen all over and couldn’t say a word.

‘Isn’t the reason we date, in the end, to have sex? I’ve already got a full list of women to meet after Mikyung, so is there any need to go all in on one person? By now, I’ve dragged it out long enough.’

‘What I’m saying is, if you’re going to break up, don’t overthink it, just cleanly end it now.’

‘Who said anything about forcing them? If I sweet-talk them and they fall for it, that’s their choice. This isn’t a proposal, do I have to stay with them long-term and be responsible just because we slept together?’

Sungmin hyung shook his head again and again, and the liquor glass he was holding swayed in the same direction as his head. Then, when his eyes met mine, he folded his elegant eye corners and gave me a smiling glance, as if quietly asking for my agreement too. Like, Even to a kid like you, doesn’t Jinhoo seem like such a scoundrel?

‘Oh Sungmin is acting all righteous by himself. But I’m pretty decent, aren’t I? Even though I could sleep with multiple women at once whenever I want, I still set a turn order and only meet one at a time. I don’t even cheat.’

‘At this rate, you’ll probably cheat before long too. Isn’t setting up the next person before breaking up already cheating? Make sure you don’t mess up the order.’

‘Ah, the one I’m talking to right now is named Joohye, and she goes to another school, so there won’t be any talk.’

I hadn’t expected such words to come out of Jinhoo sunbae’s mouth, with his hot-tempered and easygoing personality, so all I could do was hold the glass of liquor I could barely even drink and stare blankly at it.

Even though he didn’t have a girlfriend he truly liked, he liked women themselves so much that he had kept dating nonstop. Only enjoying what he wanted to enjoy, without putting in even a little effort to share feelings with the other person and build affection.

The way I’d seen sunbae until now had been rather gentle when he was with a girlfriend, so it was true that I had harbored a fantasy that if he developed feelings for me too, maybe he would become that kind of devoted lover for me as well, though the chances were very slim. That’s why sunbae’s completely shocking remark made my blood run cold.

But there was no way a person’s feelings could be settled that easily. The reason my already cooled heart was lit back up the moment I saw sunbae’s face at school the next day was because of my damn instincts that were weak against handsome men. Caught between not being able to follow sunbae like before and not being able to neatly give up on my feelings, I was tormented all by myself, and soon made the major decision to confess.

Sunbae wouldn’t accept every confession that came his way, but if he thought the other person was attractive, he seemed to put them on the ‘people I might date someday’ list and meet them one by one. Ten percent of my reason for confessing was the stupid hope that if I just blurted it out, maybe I’d get even a brief chance to date sunbae.

And the remaining 90% was… definitely about placing my weight on the possibility of being rejected, and intending to cut ties with him. It was a reckless and stupid decision I made because I didn’t think I’d be able to cut sunbae off myself.

And yet here I am…. My feet won’t leave the ground, and I’ve just been standing there in a daze for a long time. Before I knew it, I had reached the café where I had asked sunbae to meet me, and after stealing a look at the handsome sunbae already seated inside through the large glass window, I felt the urge to turn around and run home.

‘Do you know what you’re doing right now? You’re going to come out and confess to a sunbae who likes women! Are you crazy? Do you want to get outed at school?’

My scared inner voice screams like that. But wasn’t I the one who decided on today’s confession, even prepared to get hit by sunbae if necessary? I deliberately chose a busy downtown area far from school, where if I got beaten up, there would be enough people around to stop it, but no one who would know my personal information.

In the worst case, ruthless outing would follow, so in that case, I had even planned to take a leave of absence. Instead of running away like a coward, now that I had gathered my courage, the right thing was to charge ahead quickly and without hesitation.

Creak-.

After taking one deep breath, I opened the café door and went inside, and Jinhoo sunbae noticed me and smiled beautifully. Being able to face that overly charming smile, with dimples forming on both sides, to my heart’s content might perhaps be the last time today. Today too, Jinhoo sunbae is…. handsome.

“Welcome.”

“You picked a place that’s too far away, right? Wasn’t it inconvenient getting here?”

Thump, thump, thump.

My heart was pounding so hard that I could hardly even hear my own voice. My voice seems to be trembling too, unlike usual. Ah, this is so pathetic, maybe I shouldn’t confess….

“Your expression gives everything away. Today’s the day you’re confessing to me, right?”

“Huh?”

“You called me all the way out here, and you even put effort into your hair and clothes, it’s obvious you came to confess.”

My mind went blank like a sheet of paper, and I couldn’t think of a single word to reply with. I couldn’t tell at all whether sunbae was just joking around or if he had really seen through my feelings.

“Pfft…. Hey, you’ve been making it obvious all this time. Did you think I wouldn’t know you like me?”

“……”

“Your face has gone completely white. I was going to listen properly, but at this rate, can you even manage to confess?”

Before I even sat down in the chair across from sunbae, my vision went dark and I couldn’t take any action at all. Sunbae…. knew everything. I don’t know when he figured it out, but apparently I had been showing it all like an idiot.

Sunbae was now crossing his arms and staring intently at my face as if telling me to go ahead and show him a great love confession once and for all. I felt like there was a mouse hole somewhere I could crawl into and hide.

And one minute later, when I came to my senses, I had already bolted back out of the café and was sprinting down the street. I ended up getting scared and running away in front of the sunbae who had been waiting for me to confess.

What’s the point of fearing how to start when sunbae had already set the stage for me…. Even if I got rejected, I should have at least confessed quietly and come back out, seriously, why am I like this? How pathetic must I have looked?

That night, I spent the whole day in tears and, in the end, couldn’t fall asleep.