DPLO Chapter 10

Upon entering Sangheon University, I felt grateful to myself for doing well on the CSAT, to Kang Euihyun, who was only five years older than me, and to my country’s mandatory conscription system. Thanks to all that, I was able to spend at least one year at the same university as Kang Euihyun.

The best part about being alumni with Kang Euihyun was, first of all, that I could run into him anywhere on campus. Moreover, whenever I ran up to greet him, he welcomed me warmly, and I could show off to others just how close we were.

But there was something even better than all those advantages combined: the moments when Kang Euihyun sought me out first. When he appeared at the classroom door just like now, pinpointing me exactly with his gaze and gesturing for me to come over, my posture straightened and the corners of my mouth curled upward. It didn’t matter at all how upset I had been with him over the past few days.

“The Principles of Economics exam is on Friday, right?”

Kang Euihyun held out a thick stack of papers. At a glance, it looked like he had printed out notes he’d taken on his tablet.

“I found this while looking through my things yesterday. Take a look before the exam.”

My eyes, brimming with emotion, looked up at Kang Euihyun. Hearing that he had dug through materials from his freshman year while thinking of me made something hot surge up inside me. Just yesterday, I had been harboring resentment because he treated me like a child, but today, the moment he took care of me like this, my mouth fell open in a goofy grin.

My mind, long steeped in unrequited love, quickly drifted into delusions again. If I had been the same age as Kang Euihyun, wouldn’t I have experienced things like this sooner? Staying in a classroom wearing the same uniform, glances that occasionally collided, sitting side by side in the library under the pretext of studying for exams… However, since there was no possibility of that becoming a reality, I had moved on to an all girls middle and high school without regret.

“What are you doing after the exam?”

Before I could even manage a thank you, Kang Euihyun asked another question. I immediately thought of Han Jio, the clueless man who had contacted me to ask if I got home safely, even though I’d practically been chased away from his place last night.

“I’m going to an exhibition with Jio oppa.”

Wearing a mask of indifference, I leaked the information in a clear, deliberate voice.

“It’s at the Ttukseom Museum, and I heard it’s interesting. He said let’s meet on Saturday at 11.”

There was no significant change in Kang Euihyun’s expression. Does it take something like meeting Han Jio in front of the house in the middle of the night to get this man’s attention? I suppose a daytime date doesn’t matter to him.

“Then, is oppa…”

“Oh? Hyung!” 

Just as I was trying to subtly fish out whether he was meeting Jeong Sujin over the weekend, an unwelcome voice interrupted. Baek Jungyung shoved his grinning face into view.

“I was actually about to contact you, Hyung. We decided to go on an MT to Daeseongri next week after exams. You should come too, Hyung.” 

“What would a fossil like me do there?” 

“Aw, where else can you find a fossil as fresh as you, Hyung? The attendance rate will go up if a popular guy like you comes. Please come. Please? Please?”

Baek Jungyung acted cute in a cringeworthy way, oblivious to his place. Kang Euihyun, shaking his head with a light laugh, looked back at me.

“Are you going?”

“I don’t know.”

I shrugged, avoiding a definitive answer. Rather, I wanted to ask Kang Euihyun if he was going. If he went, I went; if he didn’t, then naturally, I wouldn’t either.

“If Chaewon goes, I’ll follow.”

Kang Euihyun’s hand rested on my shoulder for a moment before dropping away. Having finished his business, the man turned and walked away without any particular farewell. I stared blankly at his retreating back, clutching the exam materials to my chest.

“You’re coming, right?”

Baek Jungyung nudged my arm, pressing for an answer. I frowned deeply and took a step back. It was utterly unpleasant when anyone other than Kang Euihyun touched me.

“We’ve gotta separate Euihyun hyung and his girlfriend for at least one day.”

But the clueless and tactless Baek Jungyung followed up the unpleasant touch with a topic that made me irritable.

“She’s not his girlfriend.”

“Right, right. The soon to be girlfriend.”

It seemed this guy was specialized only in grating people’s nerves. Instead of answering him properly, I turned away abruptly. I was tempted by the idea of separating Kang Euihyun and Jeong Sujin for a day, but my pride wouldn’t allow me to readily agree.

“Hey, Yoo Chaewon. They say as long as there’s alcohol and night, there are no friends between a man and a woman.”

Baek Jungyung followed me, rambling about a ridiculous proverb.

“Who knows? Maybe Euihyun hyung will start seeing you differently.”

I slammed the materials Kang Euihyun gave me onto the desk and glared at the annoying pest. Despite flinching, Baek Jungyung showed the audacity to perch his backside on my desk.

“People’s hearts change when their environment changes. I’m giving you advice as a true friend because I feel bad for you, Chaewon. No matter how hard you push yourself, you’re just running in place.”

I could almost applaud Baek Jungyung’s persistence in rambling. My lips twitched. I tried to endure it indifferently, pretending not to be shaken by such advice, but in the end, my turbulent inner thoughts leaked onto my face.

“…I’ll go.”

My voice was barely audible, but Baek Jungyung didn’t miss it. He clenched both fists and shook them wildly in front of my eyes.

“Yes! Then I’ll put both your and Euihyun hyung’s names down!”

Once the leech like Baek Jungyung returned to his seat, I flipped through the materials Kang Euihyun had given me, biting my lip. I felt like I had been fooled by a shallow trick and wanted to take back the acceptance I’d just uttered.

However, as Baek Jungyung advised, I wanted a new opportunity. Since Kang Euihyun wasn’t actually dating Jeong Sujin yet, I still had time to wedge myself into the gap between them. I wanted to make sure their some ended as just a some.

At the same time, my pride urged me to stay still. It told me that even without Jeong Sujin, Kang Euihyun wouldn’t see me as a woman anyway, and that I should stop acting out and think about setting my heart on Han Jio, since that was the way to respect myself.

Fuck. I honestly don’t know what I want anymore.

***

My first college exams weren’t bad. I think I did quite well, but the reason I’m evaluating myself modestly is that I have no clue how much effort is required to get a certain grade.

On Saturday morning after the exams, I spent thirty minutes fiddling with my hair while glancing at my phone. All my nerves were focused there, hoping Kang Euihyun might contact me.

With that great memory of his, he couldn’t have forgotten that I was going on my first date with a man today. To the point where my preparation for various nags felt futile, Kang Euihyun had shown no reaction for several days.

Just as I picked up my lip tint, my phone finally vibrated. I looked at the screen instantly, but it was a message from Han Jio saying he was leaving now. Feeling disappointed, I replied cursorily and packed my bag.

The meeting spot was practically right in front of me, so it would have been fine to dawdle, but I diligently prepared to leave the house today as well. My mother’s figure, sitting still, was reflected in the transparent sliding door. While I hated being in the same space as my dead mother to a chilling degree, whenever I left like this, a faint sense of guilt wrapped around my ankles, as if I were leaving her behind alone. 

There were times when it felt as if my mother, curled up on the living room sofa, was waiting endlessly for me.

In truth, I liked being at home. That was partly due to my innate nature, but it had worsened because of the accumulated experiences of Kang Euihyun visiting often, to the point where it was more fun to be squeezed between Kang Euihyun and Yoo Dokyeom while ordering chicken than to wander around eating trendy foods with friends.

However, since Yoo Dokyeom had been drifting between his lovers’ houses for three years, Kang Euihyun had stopped visiting my home, and I had to cohabit alone with my dead mother, so I had to go outside if I hated it.

When I arrived in front of the museum with a slow walk, goosebumps rose on my arms as if I’d spotted a ghost. The familiar doll standing at the entrance looking at her phone also noticed my presence and widened her eyes.

“Oh, Chaewon.”

It was Jeong Sujin.

“Did you come to see the exhibition too, Chaewon?”

Unlike me, who was frozen in surprise, Jeong Sujin approached me with a bright smile. The woman, in fresh pink pants and carrying a white bag, suited this spring weather perfectly. And I could easily predict that she hadn’t come to see the exhibition alone.

“Yes. Did you come to the museum too, Unnie?”

“Yeah. Euihyun oppa said he’d arrive soon. It’s surprising to meet like this.”

See, I knew it. I looked at the brightly smiling Jeong Sujin and paid close attention to the angle of my lips. Because if I wasn’t careful, a bitter smile might slip out. It was ridiculous; my current state, having come out on a date with a man I didn’t love, only to watch the man I’d loved my whole life flirt with another woman.