DPLO Chapter 7

Baek Jungyung, sitting at the desk next to me, leaned in my direction. I could see his clear intention to get under my skin.

“She’s not his girlfriend yet.”

“I heard it’s the first time he’s been seen hanging out one on one with a girl so openl.. Then it’s pretty much a done deal.”

My grip tightened on my pen. I knew I would only be losing out if I let myself be swayed by every petty attempt to provoke me, so I tried not to react to Baek Jungyung.

“Then you’d be better off meeting another guy. Who knows? Maybe Euihyun hyung will eventually develop an interest in you.”

Did he think this was the first or second time I’d heard something like that? It was the constant refrain of people who had watched my unrequited love and felt so frustrated on my behalf that they wanted to beat their chests.

“While you’re at it, why don’t you learn how to win a man’s heart? Huh? I’ve told you time and time again, there’s a side to you that just makes people sick of—”

“Jungyung, why are you so interested in me?”

Caught off guard by my direct question, Baek Jungyung blinked.

“I have no intention of making you sick of me too, so stop picking fights.”

When I faced him with a smile, Baek Jungyung’s face flushed red. Perhaps nervous about what else might come out of my mouth, he anxiously licked his lower lip.

“Should I tell you again, too? Mind your own business. Shut your mouth. Do your own work. And stop giving me your pathetic advice.”

I poured it all out without holding back, then withdrew my smile. Baek Jungyung stared at me with a vacant expression. Since there was no partition between us to stop him, I raised my middle finger to make sure his gaze returned to where it belonged.

Baek Jungyung’s level wasn’t more than that of an elementary school student poking a girl in the cheek just to get attention. He was so pathetic and childish that I didn’t even want to deal with him, but every now and then, I had to push down that stupid head of his whenever it popped out of its hole for him to realize his place and quiet down.

***

My portfolio was 100 percent composed of Kang Euihyun, and squeezing Han Jio in there had already been a stretch. There was absolutely no room left to spare for small fry like Baek Jungyung.

I sent a thank you message to Han Jio, along with a few cute emoticons. Even without much effort, the light blue message window looked colorful and flirtatious.

[Want to have lunch together later?]

This was likely the reason Han Jio had come all the way to the Business Administration building today. I readily sent a reply agreeing. Since it was a weekday and I had classes, there was a chance I could run into Kang Euihyun anywhere. I decided we should just eat at the school cafeteria.

2. The Crossed Line

The earliest childhood memories I can recall begin with Kang Euihyun. To be precise, they begin with Kang Euihyun reaching out both hands toward me.

I had been caught up in one of Yoo Dokyeom’s pranks and ended up trapped in a laundry basket; with my short, diaper clad body, I couldn’t get out and was on the verge of tears. That was when Kang Euihyun, who had come over to visit, saw me in that state and immediately lent a helping hand. 

Held in the arms of my prince on a white horse, I was safely rescued and let out all my sorrow.

And that is likely where my long standing unrequited love began.

When Yoo Dokyeom was an elementary student playing mean pranks on a sister five years his junior, during the adolescent years when he was lost in his own world and ignored me, and even as a student preparing for study abroad and on edge every single day, Kang Euihyun always smiled at me with consistent kindness. Even when my own brother completely forgot my birthday, he was the one who bought me the game console I wanted most as a gift. That was Kang Euihyun.

At first, I wished Kang Euihyun were my biological brother, and later, I prayed to be his first love. The former was an impossible wish from the start, and the latter had become a distant hope, but the fact that Kang Euihyun still remained by my side remained unchanged.

***

I could feel a presence in the house from the moment I touched the door lock. It had been a while since I’d heard the noise of another person. It seemed the “sometime soon” when Yoo Dokyeom said he’d stop by was today.

When I opened the front door, I had intended to ignore Yoo Dokyeom and shut myself away in my room. However, seeing my brother’s back as he stood with his bedroom door wide open, rummaging through the closet, my footsteps stopped instinctively. 

I was glad to see another person in this house for the first time in months, but I hated that it was Yoo Dokyeom; yet, I wanted to strike up a conversation, but the fact that he was preparing to leave as soon as he arrived made me surge with anger.

“Leaving again?”

I forced my voice, which wanted to snap out in a confrontational tone, to soften. I didn’t want to fight with my brother after such a long time.

“Yeah.”

Yoo Dokyeom didn’t even look back at me. He simply packed his thin summer clothes one by one.

“At least have dinner before you go. I made some seaweed soup.” 

I put on the voice of a kind sister. Kang Euihyun had worked hard to get Yoo Dokyeom to come to this house, and I couldn’t let my own inability to control my resentment make his efforts go to waste.

“I have plans.”

But Yoo Dokyeom rejected the hand I offered every single time. I stood stubbornly in front of the bedroom door and swallowed a sigh. They say you should carve the character for patience three times. 

“Aren’t you sleeping at home tonight? Just stay one night. Have breakfast with me tomorrow before you leave.”

“I told you I have plans.”

Fuck. In the end, a curse slipped through my lips. I violently let out the temper I had been suppressing. Only then did Yoo Dokyeom turn his head to look at me.

“Yoo Dokyeom, act like a brother for once. Do you think it’s enough if only you’re eating and living well? Does it feel great to leave your sister alone in this house while you stick to your girlfriend?”

“What, fuck?”

Yoo Dokyeom frowned menacingly and stepped toward me.

“Who the fuck are you cursing at? Do you not even see your brother as your brother anymore? Just because you’ve grown up a bit, you’re being this rude to me.”

Everything I actually wanted to say was buried at the end, but Yoo Dokyeom obsessed over the short curse at the beginning.

“This is why I don’t come home, because your temper is so fucking erratic. Try acting half as nice to me as you do to Euihyun. I’ll feel like being a brother once you start acting decent. If you have a brain, use it. Stop spitting curses at your brother.”

I curled my trembling fingertips into tight fists. Overwhelmed by sorrow, and terrified of my brother who was angry at me, I wanted to run away and lock myself in my room to cry.

But at the same time, I wanted to give it back to Yoo Dokyeom. Just as he had wounded me, I wanted to sharpen my nails and scratch out his insides.

“You don’t come home because of me? Don’t lie.”

I tried to sneer at Yoo Dokyeom. I curled the corners of my mouth upward, but it probably wasn’t successful.

“You’re just too scared to come back because you know Mom is in this house.”

“What do you mean, Mom!”

The veins in Yoo Dokyeom’s neck stood out.

“Your eyes are just broken! Our mom died three years ago! Stop talking about Mom and just go to a psychiatric hospital! How long are you going to keep acting this way!”

However, no matter how much he raised his voice and spat curses, he couldn’t hide the bloodless pallor of his face or his trembling focus.

“Go outside and ask. Everyone calls you a crazy bitch. I don’t want to come home because you act like such a moron! When on earth are you going to snap out of it?”

Yoo Dokyeom’s tone grew closer to a plea. He reached out to grab my shoulders, then recoiled with a shudder and stepped back a few paces. It was as if he believed that even brushing against me would transmit a mental illness.

“You’re still talking to Euihyun about her. Do you have no pity for our deceased mother? Do you want to gain sympathy by using her like that?”

After Yoo Dokyeom poured out his rage, all that remained was the sound of his heavy breathing. I would never admit it to my brother, but I was glad even for that ragged breath. Because it meant there was someone other than me alive and breathing in our house.

Yoo Dokyeom glared at me as if he wanted to kill me, then turned around to finish packing. Perhaps intending not to return until the season changed, he snatched clothes at random and crammed them into his suitcase.

“Hey, and stop pestering me through Euihyun.”

Having finished his business, Yoo Dokyeom walked toward the door. He twisted his shoulders as he left the room, as if terrified that even a hair’s breadth of him might touch his sister.

“Now that you’re grown, let’s just live our own lives. Just how long do I have to be responsible for you?”

“What a load of bullshit.”

At my reply, Yoo Dokyeom’s eyes widened. But that was all. He couldn’t deliver a long winded speech while spitting saliva like he had before. He probably knew it himself, that not a single person would even chuckle at the idea of him having been responsible for me.

As he opened the front door, Yoo Dokyeom glanced upward. The talisman pasted above the door was failing to exert any effect, merely ruining the interior. My brother chewed a curse between his teeth, then slammed the door shut and left.

As always, Mom, settled on the living room sofa, was staring blankly in this direction. I wondered if she had heard us talking about her, that she died three years ago, or that I used her to gain sympathy. But since it was all true, there was no way to explain it away.

What I had wanted was the sound of a person, but that had vanished like the wind, and as always, silence enveloped me. I remained in the deafness of the stillness, constantly chewing on the fact that I was alone. Even in the moment the silence consumed me like a tidal wave, Mom’s gaze clung to me tenaciously.