DPLO Chapter 4

My mother and father died on the Yeongjong Bridge, on the way to pick up their son, an international student returning to Korea for summer vacation. The culprit was a drunk driver in broad daylight who couldn’t control his speed. It was a horrific accident where both the victim and the perpetrator died instantly on the spot.

Yoo Dokyeom, who had made dozens of calls while waiting for parents who never arrived at the airport, had to put on a black suit before he could even unpack his luggage. The chief mourner’s armband tightened around his arm, but Yoo Dokyeom just sat leaning against the wall, dazed. Everyone understood his irresponsibility.

Thus, I, who had never experienced a funeral, had to scramble and do as the funeral service company instructed. While a grief that felt like it was splitting my crown pressed down on me, there were many voices telling me to do this or that this wasn’t necessary. “Yes, yes.” The same answer flowed from my mouth repeatedly.

I had no luxury to sink into depression after seeing my parents’ bodies after the shrouding. I had no time to dwell on how gruesome their broken bodies were, nor the capacity to be overwhelmed by the bleakness of how I was to live from now on. All of that was Yoo Dokyeom’s share.

Mourners who rushed to the scene upon hearing the news held my hand and cried. I stood there blankly, not knowing how to react. My parents had died overnight, so responding with “I’m okay” wasn’t appropriate, and if I cried with them every time, all the moisture in my body would dry up. So, I just bowed my head and silently listened to the guests’ lengthy consolations.

At that time, the only person I could lean on was Kang Euihyun.

The man, who arrived at the funeral hall first, stood between the dazed Yoo Dokyeom and me, who was barely holding onto my sanity, and greeted the mourners. Like the eldest son of this shattered family, he bowed to the guests, looked into burial sites, and took care of the meals for me and Yoo Dokyeom.

“Eat a little and sleep.”

I had fallen into a light sleep, and when I opened my eyes, Kang Euihyun was sitting in front of me. In his hand, he held a bowl of soup and a spoon. He had brought rice mixed with spicy beef soup, telling me to eat something. 

Leaning against the wall, I quietly opened my mouth. Rice soaked in red broth passed over the spoon. Without a hint of annoyance, Kang Euihyun pushed small amounts of rice into my mouth.

“Do you want to sleep in oppa’s car?”

The soup bowl was almost empty. Kang Euihyun gathered the remaining food and held it to my lips.

“I want to stay here.”

I didn’t want to be alone. Even if there were bustling noises, even if I hated the sight of the useless Yoo Dokyeom, I felt more at peace inside the crowded funeral hall. Moreover, Kang Euihyun was here.

“Alright, then.”

While Kang Euihyun went to clear the empty bowl, I reached for the black jacket he had left behind. As I slipped my arms in, the oversized garment wrapped around my body like a blanket. Having been exposed to the air conditioner, the outside of the jacket was cool, but the lining held the owner’s body warmth.

Even though I had taken his clothes without permission, Kang Euihyun said nothing. He simply sat beside me and offered his shoulder. Having filled my stomach, I fell into a deep sleep using his hard shoulder as a pillow.

The more I hated Yoo Dokyeom, who sat as if he had given up on everything, the more I clung to Kang Euihyun’s side, as if he were my biological brother, as if the spot beside him were my home.

In the early dawn, a few hours before the funeral procession, once the stream of guests had dried up, Kang Euihyun led me to a bench behind the funeral hall. He held out a chocolate milk with a straw in it. When I only stared at it without taking it, he pulled a macaron out of his pocket.

I couldn’t help but notice his intention in offering only things so sweet they made my teeth ache. I took the straw and sipped the chocolate milk. The sweetness slid refreshingly down my throat.

Kang Euihyun lightly tapped the side of my head. His large hand, which had neatly adjusted the white hairclip made of plain cloth, soon covered the crown of my head. His body heat was enough to drive away the chilly dawn air.

“You can cry now.”

He must have separated me from Yoo Dokyeom and fed me sweets because he wanted to say this, to give me time to grieve, since I tended to choose a nap over mourning my parents whenever I found a moment to breathe.

I pulled my lips away from the half finished chocolate milk and looked at Kang Euihyun. A faint smile played on my lips. If I had been looking in a mirror right now, I probably would have been surprised to find that I was capable of making such a face.

“The tears won’t come.”

In that moment, I thought I was being very mature. I had handled my parents’ funeral instead of my brother, who was five years older than me, and I had stood resolutely, nodding before people who tried to comfort me in various ways. On top of that, instead of sobbing, I had gently returned Kang Euihyun’s consideration. I felt as though I had grown up significantly in just a few days.

“Maybe it’s because it hasn’t sunk in yet. Oppa, don’t worry about me and go…”

But before I could even finish the sentence, teardrops tumbled down from between my eyelashes. Flustered, I blinked rapidly, and the streams of tears only grew thicker, pouring down my cheeks.

Kang Euihyun, who had been quietly observing me, turned toward me. He moved the hand that had been covering my head down and pulled my shoulder toward him. My face was buried in his chest.

A scent of incense clung to the man’s shirt, which was deeply wrinkled from staying up all night. The smell of facing death. The trace of him spending three days and nights by my brother’s and my side.

Sobbing sounds leaked through my tightly clenched lips. Even as sorrow scratched its way up my throat, I took a deep breath and swallowed Kang Euihyun’s scent. I liked the fact that he was by my side even in the moment I was being dragged down to hell.

After Yoo Dokyeom left to study in the United States, the reason to meet Kang Euihyun separately had vanished. But suddenly, the thought crossed my mind that perhaps from now on, the time I spent seeing his face would increase. There were more than enough excuses to stimulate Kang Euihyun’s sympathy.

When the sun rose, my parents’ bodies had to be burned in flames of hundreds of degrees. Even before the final moment of sending my mother and father away, I thought about clinging to Kang Euihyun’s ankle. It was an act of filial impiety that wasn’t only shameless but cruel. If Kang Euihyun ever realized my gloomy inner thoughts, he would never hold me like this again.

Looking back now, I felt I vaguely understood why my dead mother hadn’t left the house. It was probably because of a daughter so selfish it was shudder inducing. Because she was disgusted by a daughter who, despite her parents’ death, struggled just to get the attention of a man she loved, and so she wanted to stay by my side and punish me.

When I returned home after leaving my parents’ ashes at the ossuary, my body froze upon discovering my mother occupying the center of the living room. Yet, at the same time, a shiver ran down my spine at the realization that I now had a reason to call Kang Euihyun, whom I had just parted from.

The destination of the thoughts floating in my head was always Kang Euihyun. I felt wretched in that moment, but in the end, I was the only one who could understand myself.

I dialed Kang Euihyun’s number and gained another opportunity to bury my face in his chest.

***

It was a strange dynamic.

I occupied the spot opposite Kang Euihyun, and Jeong Sujin sat beside him. While our eyes moved busily, Kang Euihyun alone was calmly focused on studying for his exams. I felt like a concubine engaged in an internal struggle over a single king.

My glancing eyes met Jeong Sujin’s. I immediately lowered my head and pretended to look at my tablet. With only a few days left until the exams, I was likely to enter the classroom with an empty head at this rate. I had struggled so hard to get into this university just because I wanted to attend college with Kang Euihyun, but I wouldn’t have been able to complain even if I received a D on my first exam.

The fact that the three of us, who were incompatible, ended up studying together was all Kang Euihyun’s fault.

When Han Jio contacted me asking to meet briefly over the weekend, I shut him out and went to a cafe in front of my house. The reason I didn’t meet him, despite the fact that I was going to be out and about anyway, was that I didn’t want to keep up the act even on weekends when Kang Euihyun’s gaze didn’t reach me. Why bother putting in the effort to smile with my eyes at Han Jio on a day I didn’t have to go to college?

So, as I took a seat alone at the cafe I had claimed as my hideout three years ago, a message from Kang Euihyun arrived.

[Where are you?]

I read it in one second and replied.

[Cafe]

That one word was enough for him. Since he knew exactly where and what I, someone who hated staying indoors, would be doing, it was all in the palm of his hand. There was no further contact, but I knew Kang Euihyun would soon appear at this cafe. However, the woman who came along with him was unexpected.

Jeong Sujin stood up quietly, perhaps to go to the restroom. As soon as she vanished from my sight, I stepped hard on the top of Kang Euihyun’s foot with the sole of my sneaker. Only then did he look up.

“What?”

“Is it fun?”

I glared at Kang Euihyun, clenching my molars.

“Is it fun, playing around with women on both sides of you?”

Kang Euihyun let out a hollow laugh as if it were absurd and began taking notes again. Even while enraged, I felt a surge of annoyance at myself for noticing his clean fingernails and neat handwriting.

“We are just studying, so what’s the big deal?”

Kang Euihyun’s low voice was kind, but the content within that voice was indifferent.

“It’s not like I slotted you into a date.”

Kang Euihyun knew well who I had liked since I was young. Having the existence of someone like Jeong Sujin in his life, he must have guessed that I was spending each day biting my lip and holding back tears.

And yet, he showed me the sight of him studying together with a woman he was in a some relationship with, sitting side by side opposite me. He let me witness in detail how he pulled out a chair for Jeong Sujin, looked down at the tablet together, laughed, and whispered quietly.

I had never properly confessed to Kang Euihyun, but it was as good as having been dumped.

“Chaewon, eat this.”

Returning to her seat, Jeong Sujin held out a plate of cheesecake to me. It seemed she hadn’t gone to the restroom, but had gone to buy dessert. I mumbled a thank you and picked up the fork. I had no intention of leisurely eating cake in front of them, but I knew well what basic etiquette was.

“We’re going to go eat dinner later; is there anything you want to eat?”

Jeong Sujin asked, looking at me instead of Kang Euihyun. It was strange that she naturally gave the choice to me, when the dinner appointment must have been made with the man beside her.

“I’m going to study here until late, so I’m fine.”

As Kang Euihyun said, studying at a cafe wasn’t a date, but their dinner would be time for just the two of them, so I didn’t want to intrude. I wasn’t that much of an idiot.

“Still, eat before you do. Oppa said he’d buy something delicious today.”

Jeong Sujin’s elbow touched Kang Euihyun’s and then pulled away. Not wanting to pay attention to every single detail of how close they were, I simply used my fork to scrape together the crumbs of the cheesecake.

“Chaewon really studies hard. I just played around when I was a freshman.”

I didn’t know how Kang Euihyun had introduced me to her, but Jeong Sujin seemed to want to become close with me, like a classmate on the first day of school who gives candy and compliments a hair tie to win favor.

However, I didn’t want to be on speaking terms with Jeong Sujin. Just imagining a relationship where we exchanged contact information and chatted about trivial things with Kang Euihyun as a common topic made me feel nauseous.

That was the way to avoid hating Jeong Sujin. Only by maintaining a distance like this would I ensure that no misplaced arrows flew toward that woman. I had no intention of volunteering for the role of a petty, jealous villain. While I couldn’t help my unrequited devotion that received no response from Kang Euihyun, I wanted to protect my pride until the end.

“Then let’s go eat sundae gukbap.” 

I reluctantly chose the dinner menu, something that comes out quickly, can be eaten quickly so we can part ways, and where it is okay not to talk while eating.

“Chaewon likes sundae gukbap? Your face is like a baby, but your taste is like an adult’s? That’s so cute.”

Jeong Sujin smiled brightly with a face devoid of any ulterior motive. I mimicked her by pulling up the corners of my mouth, but my smile likely revealed my sharp, sinister inner thoughts.

Kang Euihyun, who had been one step removed from this conversation, reached his fork toward my portion of cheesecake. A large piece was cut away and entered his mouth. Because the man, who was observing as if he were an unrelated third party, was so obnoxious, I used my fork to mash the remaining cake.