MSISAS |Chapter 16 Recognizing Feelings

For the past month, Xu Qing hasn’t had a single peaceful night’s sleep, with dark circles under her eyes. However, most of the troubles have been resolved, and in the next two months, she just needs to wait for everything to fall into place. Xu Qing opened the chat window with Lu Xianzhi, feeling guilty and worried that Xiao Zhi might start to distance herself because of this. After all, they hadn’t talked for a month. In reality, Lu Xianzhi hadn’t thought much about it at all, as she was diligently attending auditions. Xu Qing looked at the chat box, “…Why hasn’t there been even a single message.” Does she really not care about me so much? Here I am thinking of you every day, reaching out whenever I’m free, truly heartless. Hmph, I’m not going to contact you first. “What are you doing?” “…” Ten minutes. Xu Qing almost stared a hole through the screen. Just when she was about to give up, her phone finally rang. “I’m at an audition! I’ve auditioned for several scripts recently! My agent sister says these roles suit me well!” “Oh.” “What about you, what are you doing?” “Just got some free time.” “Oh, oh, I see, you haven’t been around for a month.” “Are you worried about me?” “We’re friends, right? Isn’t it normal to care?” “…Yeah.” “Why do you seem so tired?” “I’ve been dealing with the company’s matters this month.” “Wow! That sounds amazing, keep up the good work!” “Yeah.” “Hang on a second!” “Mm.” The next second, Lu Xianzhi initiated a video call with Xu Qing. “Xu Qing, I haven’t seen you in a month, and your dark circles are so heavy! Make sure to get some rest, no matter how busy work is!” “Mm.” Xu Qing’s tone carried a hint of joy. “Hey! Young people shouldn’t be so quiet! Let me show you something.” “Okay… I’m looking forward to it.” On the screen, Lu Xianzhi was painting in the snow. Where did she go? “Look!” In the snow were two small figures, one with long hair tied into two braids, and the other with short hair, slightly taller. Xu Qing instantly recognized them as her and Lu Xianzhi, her eyes twinkling with warmth. “This is you, this is me! And we’re going to be best friends forever!” Lu Xianzhi, seeing Xu Qing silent, puffed her cheeks at the screen, “Do you not want to be best friends with me?!” “No.” “Then why won’t you promise me!” Xu Qing looked at her meaningfully, her eyes seemed to speak volumes, “I promise.” Lu Xianzhi blushed under Xu Qing’s gaze, thinking, how captivating her eyes are! And she’s a girl. “Alright! My agent is calling me! I’ll hang up first!” “Mm.” After hanging up, Xu Qing wore a smile she didn’t even realize she had. Lu Xianzhi sent a few more photos, dressed in ancient style and holding a small snow duck, smiling foolishly in the snow. The young girl’s complexion was rosy, her eyes seemed to contain stars. Xu Qing couldn’t help her ears from turning red, feeling warm, as she freed a hand to rub them. Lu Xianzhi sent a voice message to Xu Qing. “Xu Qing! Has it snowed here yet? I really want to see the first snow! There’s so much snow here!” Xu Qing noticed some background noise in the voice message, and the girl’s tone was slightly breathless, it seemed she was running. So silly, a bit shy. Looking at Lu Xianzhi’s photos, she quietly saved them, using them as wallpaper. Cute… Waiting for you to come back. The night draped the city in a thin fog, hurried footsteps on the street. What has this city left for itself? Xu Qing stood at the top floor window, holding a cup of warm milk. The company employees gradually left, and Xu Qing took a small sip of her milk. Mother, why are you so foolish? Xu Qing looked up at the sky, finding it increasingly hard to see stars in the city; only a bright moon hung on the horizon. Xu Qing answered the phone, “Hello.” “Qinger, it’s me.” “Mom.” “I’m sorry, Qinger, your father isn’t doing well, and I just want to spend his last moments with him.” “Qinger, I know you resent us, please let me be selfish one more time, I’m still weak, I can’t forget him.” “Mom!” “Child, I’ve always loved you very much, hoping for your happiness.” “I know.” “Thank you for understanding, Qinger, I’m sorry.” Xu Qing stared at the disconnected call, feeling as if her connection to the world had severed. She felt like she was all alone. A cool sensation brushed across Xu Qing’s face. How long had it been since she last cried? When she was bullied? When she couldn’t learn? When she wasn’t acknowledged? Crying never solved anything for her. Xu Qing wiped the tear lingering on her cheek. Sitting alone in her office chair, she picked up the family photo newly placed on her desk. It was a photo that had been a bit damaged all along, showing a couple that seemed in love holding a delicate little doll, about four years old, smiling at the camera. When did it begin? Looking at the photo, Xu Qing’s eyes, unbidden, blurred, though she uttered not a sound, merely leaned back slightly on the sofa, looking up. Her stubborn nature wouldn’t allow her tears to fall. Xu Qing’s eyes seemed filled with emptiness; within her deep black eyes lay the vulnerability usually hidden. Happiness? Mother, you never taught me what happiness is. But is it that everything must wait for me to learn it myself? That night, some in their dreams embraced the things they yearned for: love, family, fortune. Others slept dreamless. Upon waking, Xu Qing rubbed her puffy eyes, feeling a bit swollen, and took a day off work. That day, she wore sunglasses and a coat, as it was deep winter. Xu Qing exhaled a breath of warm air, which soon dissipated with the wind. She walked down the street, where the shops were about to close, as if the new year was approaching. On the street, she encountered a young couple holding a little girl, who seemed to be born in expectation and love. She was holding a lollipop. “Big brother! Why are you alone? Here, take this!” Xu Qing paused for a moment, accepting the little girl’s candy, “Thank you.” “Hey! Are you Xu Qing?” “Mm.” “I’ve seen you on the romance show! I really like you! You and Xiao Zhi must be happy together!” Xu Qing looked at the blissful young mom, “Mm, thank you.” Xu Qing looked at the candy in her hand, milk-flavored. Xiao Zhi, what are you doing? Xu Qing opened her door, realizing she hadn’t been home in a long time. The house was so quiet. Was she always living just for herself? Xu Qing looked at her wallpaper, “Having someone to think about doesn’t seem so bad after all.” “It’s the New Year.” “Boohoo, so pitiful, cherish the people in your life. Reunion is the best way to celebrate the New Year!”