PRU | Chapter 1.8

He was always a herbivore with no fangs at all, and could not possibly choke the windpipe of a carnivore. Jaehwan had no outer shell, no hooves, and no horns. It felt like he had been born to be eaten.

The wounds had all healed, but there was no word. Jaehwan was spending day after day in anxiety. In the meantime, this kind of visit, squeezing and toying with his heart… He had clearly said he would not come looking again even while going to hell several times a day. It was the kind of thing he had wanted to shout while opening his eyes and getting up, grabbing Alestia by the collar.

But the moment he looked into Alestia’s eyes, Jaehwan realized that all of his teeth were flat and good for chewing fiber. He was living his life so miserably. He wanted to throw away a life like this to the dogs.

Yet Alpeon’s pointless attempts were making him stupid. Alpeon, who had come several times while he was getting himself back together. His head felt like it would split. It felt as if he had become a little girl. Rather, these days, girls would probably have more agency than he did.

He thought of the friend who had been almost his only one, the friend he had not properly met in high school. That look of bitterness over being a girl. She gritted her teeth and vowed to succeed, and her preliminary CSAT score was also almost perfect. Compared to that, Jaehwan himself was a stupid boy who only dreamed of Cinderella. Would it have been better if that kid had come here? Let’s drop such ridiculous assumptions.

In fact, it did not matter whether Alpeon liked him or had feelings of that sort. He only wanted sympathy. Such feelings would someday die and be discarded with time. That was how it was originally.

So Jaehwan thought he just wanted Alpeon to let him escape. He did not know what life here was like, but if he could not return, merely escaping from here would make him so grateful that he felt like he could lick even the toes of that dog-like Sin Kala.

Jaehwan buried his head in the soft duck-down pillow. The sheet, smeared with blood, had long since been taken away. Even with a thick blanket over him, it was cold and lonely. Was that why he wanted to see the classmates who had no affection at all for him? The starlight coming through the crack in the window stung his eyes.

The visit came formally again the next morning. This time it was not that kind of visit where faces were flushed and threats and violence were everywhere. The tone was, as always, consistently dismissive, but compared to before, it was enough to be called warm.

Jaehwan was sitting in the chair with a posture more proper than anyone else’s. Alestia stood behind him as if protecting him, but Jaehwan knew painfully well that it was not that. She was watching him. Since it was obvious he could not even touch a fingertip anyway.

“Your complexion looks better.”

“It is all thanks to Your Majesty’s grace.”

“There is business. All the kings will gather.”

Originally, once a year had passed, it was customary for all the kings to welcome Apene. At those words, Jaehwan realized the time anew. He had already been dropped here for a year. In this place, where a year was four months longer than on Earth, saying one year meant the same as sixteen months had passed.

What he had achieved in all those years could be counted on one hand. He could speak to some extent, but there were still many words he did not know. Jaehwan wandered without being able to look straight at Meheon’s gaze. It felt as if he had come to a courtroom forcing out testimony. Do you swear to tell only the truth? Yes, I swear.

“You must show yourself without flaw as my Apene and as Biro. The protagonist of the promise will come to confirm the promise. Besides, there is even a festival before then.”

“……Yes.”

“So.”

A rough force pulled Jaehwan’s face. When Meheon’s face came right before him, Jaehwan tried to struggle free without even realizing it, but Alestia’s hand pressing him down held him trembling in place. Meheon seized Jaehwan’s jaw (lower jaw) with a rough hand.

“Smile.”

“Yes, yes!”

When Jaehwan said it hurriedly, Meheon let go of him as if shaking him off. Meheon looked down at Jaehwan, trembling like a young beast, with indifference. There was nothing much to see except that his face was white as if it had never seen sunlight.

His hair had at least been neatly arranged and tied up by the handmaids, and because he had neither muscle nor fat, the collarbones showing through the gaps in his clothes stood out, making him unsightly. A small Apene. A young Apene. And an foolish Apene, trying hard to breathe.

“You will have to live while smiling. If you are to show the promise before their eyes. It is ridiculous to carry out the fulfillment of a promise with sleight of hand, but that fellow’s purpose was probably not for me to get along with you, but to turn my attention elsewhere.”

“……Yes.”

“So smile.”

Jaehwan gave an awkward smile. Meheon looked at him with dissatisfied eyes, then clicked his tongue once.

“Alpeon will come again in the capacity of your teacher. He gave a faithful explanation that nothing improper happened between you and me, and because I trust my loyal retainer Alpeon, and because there are not many who are qualified for this matter, it was an unavoidable choice.”

“…….”

“I hope you will understand my troubles, Apene. A woman with many rumors disgraces the family’s honor and makes things troublesome more than anything else.”

“…….”

“And, because I am a merciful lord, I permit entry to the annex garden attached to the concubines.”

“I am honored.”

Jaehwan said, his lips trembling. Meheon gave him a brief look and then turned and left the room without even acknowledging him. Jaehwan collapsed onto the table as he was, and Alestia scolded him for his manners after seeing what he was doing. Jaehwan got up languidly and went from the parlor into the room. Smile. Bastards no better than pigs and dogs.

He did not know how many times, since coming here, he had shouted out the curses he would not even have put into his mouth in Korea. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. The words full of resentment flowed out of Jaehwan instead of tears. Ah, how good would it be to strangle the king’s neck.

Why was he not even a magician, so that he was deprived even of the chance to kill the king? If the king were annihilated, he would have no regrets even if he himself were burned away. But that cruel Kala shattered even that sliver of hope without hesitation.

The iron hammer smashed the hope wrapped in an outer wall. The awkward hardness, like a fortune cookie, might have only made Kala’s hammering even more merciless. They said there were priests and sorcerers left, but, well. Probability was always like spinning roulette, and Jaehwan had never once been lucky.

Even in the midst of this, the fact that he could see Alpeon’s face made him happy. It might have been that he had used up all his luck on this reunion. Viscount Vanteil had always only pretended to worry about him with words, and had not done a single thing that would benefit him. He always only said that he was afraid of the unbelievers.

And yet he had never once said why he was afraid. Jaehwan was still a flower that had never even managed social life among humans, so he had no capacity to trust Viscount Vanteil based on what he had not seen or heard. He only clung to meaningless feelings toward Alpeon.

Someone who saw him like this might curse him, but it was a choice he could make because there was nothing Jaehwan could do in this room wider than his own house. This place was a world and a prison, wider than his house, narrower than the world. He felt like he would get high on emotions that were flailing and swimming around. No, thinking of his name was the only painkiller.

Not even a girl, and with so many handmaids around, why a man of all people. Maybe this feeling was not pure love. Maybe it was only longing for a savior. He might have instinctively realized that not the handmaids or Alestia, but that man alone was the only one who could let him escape. Maybe if that man saved him, he would have loved even a fish. In the end, it was not a matter of who it was. He had only stuck a syringe into his neck however he could, whether it was marijuana or cocaine.

The moment Jaehwan realized that fact, he became empty and laughed hollowly. He had been letting his emotions dribble away here and there without even thinking of cutting this life off and wiping it out. Though he said he was this painful, it seemed he was not in pain enough to die. A thrashing life.

As Jaehwan lay face-down on the bed like that, he heard the sound of the door opening. Jaehwan curled up into the soft duck-down pillow, as if a bird were burying its head between its feathers, and said.

“Please go out.”

“…….”

“Alestia?”

When he lifted his head listlessly, what he saw was the red hair from earlier, boasting of its king’s bloodline, but eyes as obedient as green woods. Jaehwan froze for a moment in surprise, then got up gropingly like a blind man.

“Here, here, why.”

“I am sorry for coming in without permission, Apene. I only wanted to be forgiven for my mistake.”

“Ah.”

Alpeon knelt. Startled, Jaehwan hurried down from the bed, grabbed Alpeon’s hand, and pulled him up. Unlike everything in this world that could do nothing according to its own will, Alpeon rose obediently to Jaehwan’s touch. And Jaehwan realized that he was still holding Alpeon’s hand, and quickly let go. The tips of Jaehwan’s ears were faintly colored like morning sunlight.

“L, Lord, I don’t know what mistake you made, but I.”

“To tell the truth, I carelessly let my mouth run and disturbed Your Majesty’s mood.”

Alpeon took Jaehwan’s hand again. All of Apene’s hardships were caused by me. I have nothing to say. Jaehwan, at a loss over the held hand and Alpeon’s apology, hesitated, then quietly pulled his hand away again. Alpeon did not take that hand again.

“It is fine. Didn’t Lord Alpeon think it was for my sake?”

“Good intentions are only complete when they align with good results. Apene. Do not forgive someone easily.”

Alpeon denied it. Jaehwan just smiled a little.

“I’m fine with that.”

When Alpeon fell silent, an awkward atmosphere soon settled in the room. Jaehwan could not stand it and was about to order him out, but Alpeon’s response was faster than that.

“Apene, you might like it, though.”

“……?”

“I brought some snacks. Do you like them?”

“I, I like them. Thank you.”

Jaehwan smiled a little more brightly than before. Alpeon smiled along with him. They were smiles as if excluded from this world.