E ⋆ Chapter 29

High fever. Lying on an unfamiliar bed, waiting for Yang Ke to return with medicine, Yu Zhinian drifted between sleep and wakefulness, and found himself inexplicably recalling his twenty-first year.

A very particular year. Exhausting. Mediocre. But a year in which Yu Zhinian had not yet completely lost his courage.

That October, early in the month, Yang Zhongyun said he wanted to come to He City to see Yu Zhinian and Yang Ke.

After landing, he suddenly suffered cardiac failure and was rushed to a cardiac specialty hospital in Yi City, near He City, for treatment. He had a cardiac stent placed and was kept under observation in the hospital.

Yu Zhinian suddenly felt as though he had returned to his high school life, commuting between the hospital and school every weekend, attending to Yang Zhongyun just as he had back then, except now there was no Yang Ke coming to keep him company after class.

Yu Zhinian heard that Yang Ke had visited Yang Zhongyun a few times during the week, but never once crossed paths with Yu Zhinian.

Since his last illness, Yang Zhongyun’s body had deteriorated greatly. His frame was gaunt, like a piece of yellowed paper stored for a hundred years, crumbling apart. For most of each day, he lay in bed with his eyes closed, breathing faintly.

Yu Zhinian seemed to have caught Yang Zhongyun’s sickly aura. Every time he returned from the hospital to school, he would run a low fever, and his mind felt perpetually scattered.

Looking back, perhaps it was because of his depleted energy at the time that he forgot to put his observation diary notebook in his backpack when leaving the library to go to class, and someone found it.

Strangely enough, though it had all happened three years ago, when Yu Zhinian closed his eyes, he could still recall every single moment of it.

The cold hospital. Still in the top-floor ward, but with different decor. Silent assistants and caregivers who never said a word. After the diary incident, Yu Zhinian suddenly felt the hospital was better than school.

Because the hospital was quiet. He only had to sit there blankly, or read some professional books, write a bit of his thesis, without needing much contact with people.

When Yang Zhongyun woke up, Yu Zhinian would go sit by his bedside. Sometimes he read books aloud to him; sometimes Yang Zhongyun and he would chat. When Yang Zhongyun was in good spirits, he would tell Yu Zhinian about his past.

Again about his former lover. But for some reason, each time the story came out slightly different.

He would also bring up his will, which he had already drawn up.

He told Yu Zhinian: “Zhinian, I’ve left you something wonderful. You’ll definitely like it.” He said: “This is the best I can leave you after I’m gone. You’ll be satisfied.”

Yu Zhinian had never had any thoughts about Yang Zhongyun’s will, so he often declined, saying that Yang Zhongyun had already given him so much, a privileged life, a good education. He was an adult now and didn’t need any other gifts. It could all go to Yang Ke.

“Yang Ke hasn’t come in a long time.” At these moments, Yang Zhongyun’s face would suddenly cloud with sorrow.

Yu Zhinian couldn’t help, so he pretended he and Yang Ke were in frequent contact. “He seems very busy,” he said.

One day, returning from the hospital to school, Yu Zhinian didn’t want to ride in the driver’s car. He went to the station himself and took the intercity railway.

He took a taxi back to school but didn’t want to go home. He wandered halfway around the campus and came to the glass-walled swimming pool next to the gymnasium.

Yu Zhinian arrived at just the right moment. Yang Ke and his teammates happened to be training. Yu Zhinian slipped in quietly through the side entrance and stood behind a pillar watching.

The sound of splashing water and whistles reached Yu Zhinian’s ears from not too far away. He watched Yang Ke in secret. Yang Ke finished his lap, leaned against the edge of the pool, and lifted his head slightly.

He looked very proud. Very impressive.

Even if they didn’t know each other, Yu Zhinian thought, Yang Ke would still be the most handsome among them.

Yu Zhinian watched for a long time, as though watching a film or a play. Everything happening around Yang Ke, all the people and affairs around him, had nothing to do with Yu Zhinian.

The sound of their voices drifted faintly into the ears of the twenty-four-year-old Yu Zhinian, who was running a fever.

Then Yang Ke came back. The door to the room opened.

He was wearing a dress shirt and looked, for some reason, not very composed. He was carrying a large bag of medicine. He sat down beside Yu Zhinian, first pulled out a box, unwrapped a thermometer, and took Yu Zhinian’s temperature.

“It’s a bit high,” Yang Ke said to Yu Zhinian. “Take some fever-reducing medicine.”

He went to pour a glass of water, unwrapped some tablets, helped Yu Zhinian sit up, let him lean against his chest, and fed him the medicine.

Yang Ke’s body warmth made Yu Zhinian feel very comfortable. Yu Zhinian swayed and tried to prop his head up, wanting to take the tablet from Yang Ke’s hand and take it himself, but he couldn’t reach it.

Yang Ke placed the tablet beside Yu Zhinian’s lips and said to him: “Hold it in your mouth first.”

Yu Zhinian had little strength. He opened his mouth and held the tablet. Yang Ke gave him water to drink.

Whether it was Yu Zhinian’s own fault or Yang Ke’s mistake in feeding him, water spilled from the cup, running down from Yu Zhinian’s chin to his chest.

Yu Zhinian swallowed the tablet and felt the water was cold. He reached to wipe it away. Yang Ke immediately grabbed some tissues and wiped it for him, saying quietly: “Why are you like a little child.”

Yu Zhinian didn’t speak. He looked at Yang Ke. Yang Ke set the cup aside, felt his forehead, and said “Sleep a bit more.”

Yu Zhinian made a sound of assent. Yang Ke helped him lie down. He watched Yang Ke lean over to tuck the blanket around him.

Yang Ke was very close to him. His expression and movements gave Yu Zhinian a great sense of security. But he had been too kind to Yu Zhinian today, and it made Yu Zhinian feel an inexplicable unease.

“Why aren’t you sleeping.” Yang Ke noticed his gaze and asked.

Yu Zhinian looked at Yang Ke for a moment, then said to him: “Yang Ke, after we go back, I still want to move out as soon as possible.”

Yang Ke’s hand, which had been touching the blanket, froze. “Why?” he asked.

“This is very hard for me,” Yu Zhinian’s mind was foggy, but he seemed to have found the courage to tell the truth. “You taking care of me like this, that’s also very hard for me.”

“What’s hard about it?” Yang Ke asked.

He seemed not to understand Yu Zhinian’s meaning, and so his expression shifted to something nearly innocent, similar to that night when he had stood in his slippers beside the car Yu Zhinian had called.

“I feel like I’m stealing something,” Yu Zhinian said to Yang Ke.

“I don’t understand,” Yang Ke said.

“Yu Zhinian,” Yang Ke looked down at him, as though struggling to comprehend, and said, “You didn’t say that when you moved into my place.”

“When you…” He paused for a few seconds, then suddenly changed the subject. “You’re sick. Your emotions might not be great right now. Let’s talk about it after you get better, okay?”

He turned off the light in Yu Zhinian’s room. The curtains were very thick. There was almost no light in the room at all, but Yang Ke didn’t leave. He sat beside Yu Zhinian, and seemed about to feel his forehead again, but because it was so dark, his hand landed on Yu Zhinian’s cheek instead.

Yu Zhinian wanted Yang Ke to stop staying in his room. He felt it made him suffer even more. Like going through a hopeless ordeal, or a treasure-hunting quest, except he wasn’t the protagonist, so at the end he wouldn’t get any treasure. He’d still have to go home alone.

Could Yang Ke please stop pitying him, stop being grateful to him, stop giving him charity. Yu Zhinian hid under the blanket, thinking hopelessly, recklessly. Could Yang Ke please like him.

Yang Ke suddenly murmured to himself in the darkness: “Probably need to drink more hot water.”

Then Yu Zhinian thought: It seems like he can’t.