E ⋆ Chapter 10

May 3rd, the last day of the short holiday, Yu Zhinian went to New City.

From Ning City to New City, the high-speed rail took only an hour, and there were many departures, but because of the holiday, Yu Zhinian had booked his ticket more than a week in advance and still only managed to get a seat on the 3rd.

At noon, he arrived at New City’s train station. Professor Zhao came to pick him up.

The academic circle of sociology wasn’t large to begin with. After Yu Zhinian returned to the country at the end of last year, Professor Zhao had called him quite quickly, suggesting they meet once. He’d said either Ning City or New City would work, and the time and place were up to Yu Zhinian.

Professor Zhao had suggested meeting Yu Zhinian three or four times, but each time the timing was off. Yu Zhinian’s studies were too demanding, with different schedules every day, and the pressure from his thesis was heavy. He’d never managed to find the time.

Now that Yu Zhinian was about to return to school, he finally found the time and took the initiative to visit.

New City’s train station was newly built and very spacious. Yu Zhinian got off the train, walked to the exit, and immediately spotted Professor Zhao standing not far away.

Professor Zhao resembled Yang Ke in appearance and stood out even in a crowd. He wore a dress shirt and dress pants, only slightly shorter than Yang Ke, but compared to the last time Yu Zhinian had seen him, he had aged considerably.

Seeing Yu Zhinian, Professor Zhao smiled in greeting and led him toward the underground parking garage.

“First time picking someone up at the new station,” he said. “I went around in circles in the garage for ages and even called one of my students to ask which exit was closest.”

Yu Zhinian saw the car keys in his hand. They were still for the same Nissan from ten years ago, and even the small green LEGO pod keychain hanging on the keys hadn’t been replaced.

The keychain showed signs of wear and was quite old, but it was kept very clean. Professor Zhao’s car was the same way.

Yu Zhinian sat somewhat awkwardly in the passenger seat where Yang Ke used to sit, waiting quietly for Professor Zhao to start the car.

“Is there anywhere you’d like to go?” Professor Zhao asked him. “You haven’t had lunch yet, right? What would you like to eat?”

Yu Zhinian didn’t want him to spend money, so he said, “Let’s go to your school.” He lied, claiming that a friend at Xin University had told him their new campus cafeteria had delicious food at reasonable prices.

Professor Zhao turned his head slightly, as if looking at Yu Zhinian or perhaps the rearview mirror, paused for a moment, and said okay.

“But the new campus is a bit far,” he said.

New City was a coastal city, famous for its strong winds.

Professor Zhao drove onto the cross-sea bridge highway leading to the school, going over a hundred kilometers per hour. The car windows were closed, but Yu Zhinian could still hear the enormous sound of the wind, like fierce waves crashing against the car body.

On both sides of the bridge was a pale blue sea, and behind them was an entire continent.

The music in the car was drowned out by the howling wind, as if at any moment the sedan would be swept up by the wind and sent into the sea.

The two of them remained silent for a long time. Professor Zhao spoke first. He said, “Zhinian, these past two years have been hard on you.”

Yu Zhinian looked at the distant land and didn’t say anything.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to speak. He simply didn’t know what to say.

If he said it wasn’t hard, that would actually be a lie.

Alone in his dorm room in the middle of the night, Yu Zhinian often thought that if he had insisted on marrying Yang Ke before coming on the project, if the two of them had been bound together, at least he could have gained happiness for himself, and wouldn’t be suffering like this now.

But saying it was indeed hard seemed too whiny, and there was no need for that.

And besides, being selfish was wrong. Yu Zhinian understood this principle.

Professor Zhao had told him this once before.

Not receiving an answer from Yu Zhinian, Professor Zhao asked him again, “Have you been in contact with Yang Ke?”

Yu Zhinian said “No.”

He paused for a few seconds, then told Yu Zhinian that Yang Ke’s career had been developing fairly well recently, saying they’d spoken on the phone a few days ago.

“That’s good,” Yu Zhinian said flatly, offering perfunctory praise. “My thesis is almost done too.”

Professor Zhao said he knew about Yu Zhinian’s research topic. “Wilson praised you to me. He came to our school for an exchange in February, bringing two students, but at that time you seemed to be doing fieldwork and weren’t at school.”

Yu Zhinian made a sound of acknowledgment. He paused for a moment, then Professor Zhao changed the subject. “Zhinian, where are you going to stay when you return to He City?”

“I rented a place,” Yu Zhinian said. “The apartment my grandfather left me is currently occupied by someone and they can’t move out right away.”

Yu Zhinian didn’t really want Professor Zhao to keep expanding on the topic, fearing that eventually the conversation would circle back to his relationship with Yang Ke. So he shamelessly played the victim, telling the whole story of finding a rental from beginning to end, from receiving the professor’s notice to contacting the real estate agent, then viewing the apartment by video call, and finally paying the rent.

By the time he finished, they had already come off the cross-sea bridge and were driving up the mountain along the road.

“It’s really not easy to rent a place on your own,” Professor Zhao said sympathetically, then added with concern, “Zhinian, if you have any financial difficulties, you must tell Uncle.”

“I’m alone at school, and I don’t spend money on food or accommodation,” he said. “I still have some savings. If you have difficulties, don’t be polite with me.”

The mountain road leading to Xin University was beautiful all the way.

The sun was neither too bright nor too dim, and the sky was nearly white, with a faint hint of blue.

If Yu Zhinian were to describe it, he would say it was a color that represented innocence. A color that couldn’t be judged as wrong, a color he wanted to become.

Yu Zhinian stared intently at this sky and said “no need” to Professor Zhao, telling him “Grandfather left me a monthly allowance for daily expenses, and it’s enough,” and then, fearing he might be misunderstood, he added, “I can still receive it even without getting married, just not as much.”

Although in fact Yu Zhinian had never touched that money. For several years, he had only used his scholarship, which was why he was somewhat tight on funds.

Professor Zhao fell silent again for a moment, then said “okay” to Yu Zhinian.

If the silence and conversation along the way had already made Yu Zhinian feel overwhelmed, the unexpected phone call that came next made him feel even more awkward.

As they approached the university gate, Professor Zhao’s phone rang.

His phone was connected via Bluetooth to the car’s speakers. Perhaps acting on instinct, he pressed a button on the steering wheel to answer, and Yang Ke’s voice came through the car.

“Dad,” Yang Ke said, “it’s me. Are you in class?” His voice was very calm, his tone casual, carrying an intimate quality that Yu Zhinian longed for but could never obtain.

Professor Zhao glanced at Yu Zhinian, and perhaps after thinking it over, out of politeness, he didn’t switch to the handset. He said to Yang Ke, “No class. It’s a holiday today.” Then, seeming to hesitate, he paused and told Yang Ke, “I’m with Zhinian right now. We haven’t seen each other in a long time, so we’re catching up.”

Yang Ke was briefly silent for a second or two, then said “oh,” speaking somewhat slowly. “Where are you?”

“At my school,” Professor Zhao said. “We’re checking out the new campus.”

“The new place?” Yang Ke asked.

Professor Zhao said yes. Through the car speakers, Yu Zhinian heard Yang Ke say quietly, “I haven’t been there either.”

They drove through the campus gates. Professor Zhao slowed the car and drove leisurely, chatting easily with his son. “Didn’t I show you a lot of photos? You said the new place looked very similar to the old house and gave it the highest rating.”

“Did I,” Yang Ke said. “I don’t remember. I’ve been very busy lately.”

Yu Zhinian sat quietly to the side, feeling awkward and somewhat suffocated.

“So busy,” Professor Zhao asked Yang Ke, “what did you call your dad for?”

Yang Ke paused briefly and said, “I worked too late. I’m a bit tired.”

His voice did sound somewhat exhausted. Yu Zhinian couldn’t help but glance at the time, calculating the time difference. It was already 2 AM in He City. A vague, nameless ache rose in his chest. He looked out the car window at the students walking on the sidewalk, trying to redirect his attention.

Professor Zhao said with some tenderness, “You still need to take care of your health.”

Yang Ke made a sound of acknowledgment.

Both ends of the line fell silent for a few seconds. Professor Zhao suddenly said, “By the way, I ran into Wei Chi’s father the other day. He said Wei Chi told him you were dating someone?”

Yu Zhinian was lost in thought when he heard this and suddenly froze. But before he had time to react, he heard Yang Ke’s decisive denial. “No.”

Whether it was a signal issue or not, Yang Ke’s voice suddenly became a bit loud, startling Yu Zhinian.

“… okay then,” Professor Zhao said. “He made it sound so convincing that I thought it was true. But busy as you are, you should still think about your personal life.”

“No time,” Yang Ke’s attitude became cold and hard. “Don’t have that much time.”

Professor Zhao said helplessly, “Okay, okay.”

After that, Yang Ke still didn’t hang up, but Yu Zhinian had lost interest. His body seemed to have activated a defense mechanism. He could hear Yang Ke and his father talking, but none of the content registered.

Finally, Professor Zhao parked the car in a spot next to the cafeteria. The two of them said a few more words, and finally hung up.

Yu Zhinian watched the LEGO pod swing back and forth on the key and felt a sense of relief in his heart. He opened the car door, and a slightly cold wind hit his face.

He stayed at Xin University for most of the afternoon and evening, walking around campus, visiting Professor Zhao’s office, and the two of them discussed their respective research topics. Finally, Yu Zhinian stayed one night at the university guest house, and Professor Zhao insisted on paying for it.

The next morning, Professor Zhao drove him back to the train station. After more than twenty hours together, Yu Zhinian felt as if he’d had a dream that left him with no particular impression, but was something he had to do. The dream wasn’t pleasant, but once he woke up, it was over.

When saying goodbye, Yu Zhinian had already turned to leave when Professor Zhao called him back.

“Zhinian,” Professor Zhao’s eyes held regret. He said to Yu Zhinian, “I know you actually didn’t want to see me. I’m sorry.

“I’ve always wanted to tell you, what I said two years ago was wrong. The wrong wasn’t in you, but in Yang Ke’s grandfather.

“Your choice to end this wrong was very selfless. If it were me, I’m not sure I could be as selfless as you.

“I want to thank you on behalf of my son, and I want to apologize to you once more. Zhinian, I’m sorry.”

The high-speed rail station was bustling with people coming and going. Travelers at the entrance carried large and small bags, placing their suitcases on the conveyor belt.

Yu Zhinian looked at the security gate lights flickering on and off for a moment, still not knowing what to say to Professor Zhao. Finally, he casually said there was no need to thank him, and walked toward the security checkpoint.

The short holiday was over. The train on the return trip to Ning City wasn’t as crowded as before. Yu Zhinian sat in his seat and finally dared to sum up this visit, thinking about what Zhao Sibei had said to him.

He thought that what Zhao Sibei said at the end was wrong. He was not without fault.

Yu Zhinian’s fault was in loving Yang Ke, loving him at an inopportune time, loving with a hideous intensity, producing feelings that no one welcomed. This feeling was the error itself.

Back at school, Yu Zhinian tidied up his luggage and slept for a long time in a daze. On the morning of May 5th at 6 AM, he got up, checked his luggage one last time, checked the online backup of his computer and thesis, then went downstairs and walked toward Ning University’s East Gate.

The campus was still very quiet. The sky hadn’t fully brightened, and the air was still cold, with very faint morning mist.

Yu Zhinian wore a windbreaker and walked on the empty asphalt road, listening to the slight sound of his suitcase wheels scraping against the ground.

His gaze passed over the blurred white mist, over the iron gate, and he caught the orange-yellow flashing hazard lights of the taxi he’d arranged, realizing once again that he was about to leave a place alone.

* * *

Observation Analysis Notes (I)

Topic: Something that made Yang Ke smile

(Recorded by: Yu Zhinian Date: 2016.09.29)

Management Mathematics Modeling course, first class as course introduction.

Yang Ke and other students arrived relatively early and sat in the front row.

Looking forward from the middle of the third row, one could see the students from the finance department ahead. Almost all of them brought laptops, and some brought voice recorders. Yang Ke only brought a laptop.

After listing all the foundational knowledge the course required, the professor presented a very simple model.

He invited Yang Ke as an interactive participant, asking him to come to the podium to conduct a simple analysis and demonstration of the model together. (Model attached below)

As the analysis was about to conclude, the professor praised Yang Ke, saying his performance was very good and expressing the hope that he would get a high score like he had in the comparative law course.

“But I’m not as lenient as Allen,” he said to Yang Ke, then looking at all the students, “you all know my grading standards are always strict. If any of you can’t accept my standards, you can choose to drop this course after the trial class ends. Professor Allen welcomes you.”

Yang Ke showed a very faint smile.

But as he came down from the podium, when he saw the face of a student sitting three rows behind him in the middle seat, Yang Ke’s smile disappeared.